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    Category: Language & Words

    This category features customers whose mishandling of vocabulary and grammar are so bad that we literally have no words to describe them!

    English And Polish And French, Oh My

    | Krakow, Poland | Food & Drink, Language & Words

    (Our bakery in question sells the best cupcakes, muffins and American coffee in town. It attracts a lot of English-speaking clients. Therefore, all the staff speaks excellent English. I am standing in line behind an elegant woman in her mid 30s.)

    Cashier, in Polish: “Good morning, ma’am. What can I get you?”

    Customer, in French: “I’d like a coffee with milk, please.”

    Cashier, switching to English: “Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am. I don’t speak French.”

    Customer, in French: *appalled* “What?! I don’t understand! You’re talking to me in English!”

    (She turns to other customers in line.)

    Customer, in French: “She’s talking to me in English!”

    Me, to the cashier: “I know French. Maybe I could help?”

    Me, to the customer, in French: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Maybe I could translate for you? What would you–”

    Customer, in French: “She’s talking to me in English!”

    Me: “Yes, she is. She doesn’t speak French. Don’t worry, I can translate for you.”

    Customer: “But we’re in Poland! And she’s talking to me in English! Isn’t that illegal?!”

    Throw Your Claims Up At Me

    | UK | Funny Names, Language & Words

    (I am asking a customer if there were any independent witnesses to an accident. To make it clear, an independent witness is one not known previously to either party.)

    Me: “Were there any independent witnesses?”

    Customer: “Well, there was a 92 year old woman.”

    Me: “Excellent. Is she known to either party?”

    Customer: “Oh yes. I was taking her for her weekly shop at the time.”

    Me: “Right. Well, I don’t think we can class her as an independent witness but we can still take a statement if necessary.”

    Customer: “Oh, but she is independent! She lives by herself and does all her housework by herself! We only help out with taking her shopping because she can’t drive!”

    Language Barrier Drives A Wedge Between Us

    | Louisville, KY, USA | Food & Drink, Funny Names, Language & Words

    (Our snack bar sell typical snack bar type stuff, like popcorn and pretzels, as well as pizzas. Two clearly foreign women come to the counter and look at the menu for a few moments.)

    Me: “What can I get you tonight?”

    Customer #1: “You have pizza?”

    Me: “Yes, I have a cheese pizza coming out of the oven in just a minute, and a pepperoni ready right now.”

    Customer #1: “You have wedgie?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer #2: “You have wedgie deluxe?”

    Me: “I don’t think so.”

    (I suddenly realize that they’re trying to say ‘Veggie’.)

    Me: “No, we don’t. We only have cheese and pepperoni.”

    Customer #1: “No wedgie toppings?”

    Me: *trying very hard not to crack up laughing* “No, sorry, just cheese and pepperoni.”

    (They thank me and walk away. A few moments later, they return and order the cheese pizza.)

    Customer #1: “You should get wedgie. I love it.”

    Acting Nutty

    | Sacramento, CA, USA | Language & Words, Pets & Animals, Technology

    (I am helping a customer scan and email important documents to his insurance company. He speaks English very poorly.)

    Me: “Okay, sir. The email is sending now. It will just take a moment. There! Sent!”

    Customer: “Is sent?”

    Me: “Yes. Your agent should get the email any second now.”

    Customer: “Oh! Am so happy! Happy like SQUIRREL!”

    Giving The French Stick

    | AK, USA | Geography, Language & Words, Top, Tourists/Travel

    Customer: *with a strong French accent* “I would like a ticket to Paris, USA.”

    (His friends are snickering.)

    Me: “The one in Illinois or in Tennessee?”

    Customer: *pauses* “What?”

    Me: “Do you want Paris IL, or Paris TN?”

    Customer: “How about Marseilles?”

    Me: “Okay, Marseilles in Illinois or Ohio?”

    Customer: “Berlin?”

    Me: “So, Connecticut?”

    Customer: “Moscow?”

    Me: “Idaho?”

    Customer: “You’re making that up.”

    (I show him the screen for Moscow, Idaho.)

    Customer: “Look, I was only pointing out that American movies always list the city and country for a location because you’re too d*** stupid to know that Paris is in France!”

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