Category: Language & Words

This category features customers whose mishandling of vocabulary and grammar are so bad that we literally have no words to describe them!

Auctions Speak Louder Than Words

| Nottingham, England, UK | Language & Words, Money

Me: “Hi, you’ve reached [me] at [company]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I sent my item back because I didn’t want it, and now you’re refusing to give me a refund.”

(I take the customer’s order number and details and see what our system says.)

Me: “According to our system, we received your item back on [date] and the refund should have been automatic.”

Customer: “Well, I haven’t got it, and I got an email today telling me you were going to auction my refund!”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Customer: “I can’t believe you can’t even do a simple refund! How stupid are you? I’ve shopped with you for a very long time, but I never will again! How dare you auction my things?”

(The customer goes on like this for a few minutes, accusing the company of stealing her money and me of being too stupid to help her. Once she stops, I get a chance to reply.)

Me: “Okay. Might the e-mail say we’re actioning your refund”?”

Customer: *hangs up*

Doe Is Dear

| Washington, DC, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Language & Words, Pets & Animals

(I work at a pet supply store that offers alternative foods for animals with allergies.)

Customer: “What’s bee-son?”

Me: “Bison. It’s an alternate protein source, similar to beef.”

Customer: “But what is it?”

Me: “It’s also called buffalo. It’ a lot like beef, just leaner.”

Customer: “But what is it?”

Me: “They’re kind of like, um, feral cows?”

Customer: *blank stare*

Me: “Moo?”

Customer: “Well, why didn’t you just say that? And veen-ay-son?”

(She points to a bag labelled “venison.”)

Me: “That’s deer.”

Customer: *more blank staring*

(I put my hands up on either side of my head like antlers.)

Me: “Bambi?”

Customer: “All these fancy names for things. It’s just so you can charge more for it, isn’t it?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. That’s exactly how it works.”

Focaccia, I Choose You

| TX, USA | Food & Drink, Language & Words

Me: “Hello, ma’am, would you like to order?”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like a Pikachu.”

Me: *confused* “Pardon me?”

Customer: “A Pikachu! A Pikachu!” *points at the menu, where it says ‘focaccia’*

Me: “Right, one Pikachu…”

No IQ For IV

| Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Language & Words

(I work at a video store. A customer is on the far side of the store and yells out to me. He does not hold up the DVD.)

Customer: “Hey man, which Saw is this?”

Me: “Well, what does it say on the cover?”

Customer: “It doesn’t say anything!”

(I walk over to the customer and immediately recognise the problem.)

Me: “That would be Saw 4, sir. ‘IV’ means four.”

Yukon Not Steal It

| Strasbourg, France | Canada, Criminal/Illegal, Family & Kids, Language & Words, Tourists/Travel

(I’m Canadian, but I’m visiting my French cousin and helping him do some repairs on his cafe. While we’re working, a large family passes by, obviously lost. I’m wearing a shirt with a large Canadian flag on the back.)

Mother: “Excuse me! I’m sorry to bother you, but are you Canadian?”

Me: “Yes, I am.”

Mother: “Thank god! We’ve been lost for hours.”

(She shows me her map. Ultimately, I work out they’re trying to cross the border into Germany, but got lost trying to find out how to get there.)

Father: “Good thing the signs are all in French, or else we wouldn’t have managed to find our way around anywhere!”

Me: “Yeah, it sure makes things easier for Canadians, eh?”

(Suddenly, there’s a scuffle behind me. My cousin comes out dragging two of their sons behind him.)

Cousin: “They were trying to steal bottles of juice! I heard them planning it!”

Son #1: *to Son #2* “Well, how was I supposed to know they speak French here? They all sound so different!”

(Quebecois and French speakers do sound somewhat different, but angry mothers are universal!)

Related:
Yukon Call Them
Yukon See It On A Map, Part 3
Yukon Not Spend It
Yukon Not Believe This Juan

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