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    Category: Language & Words

    This category features customers whose mishandling of vocabulary and grammar are so bad that we literally have no words to describe them!

    Language That Belongs In The Toilet

    | Apple Valley, MN, USA | Language & Words, Rude & Risque

    (I’m stocking shelves when a customer approaches me.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, do you have any a** wipe?”

    Me: “What?”

    Customer: “You know, a** wipe?”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “Toilet paper?”

    Me: “Oh! Aisle 6.”

    (The customer smiles and leaves. I’m from the area, so I can confirm that “a** wipe” isn’t a regional term for toilet paper!)

    You’re An Idi0t

    | Buffalo, NY, USA | Language & Words

    (I’ve just handed the customer her credit card receipt.)

    Customer: “Why do they put that diagonal line through the O’s?”

    Me: “To distinguish the zeroes from the O’s.”

    Customer: “But they’re the same thing.”

    Me: “Zero is a number, but O is a letter.”

    Customer: “No, they’re the same thing!”

    Sure Thing, Sweet Cheeks

    | Ontario, Canada | Language & Words, Rude & Risque

    (We have international newspapers that we keep behind us at the till. Also, I’m female. I’ve just finished ringing up some British newspapers for a customer.)

    Me: “Have a brilliant day.”

    Customer: “Can I take a look at your rack?”

    (This not only catches me off guard, but all the staff and customers within earshot, who turn and look at us.)

    Me: “Pardon?”

    Customer: “I just want to see what else you’ve got to offer.”

    (Everybody is still staring.)

    Customer: *realizing what he’s said* “Oh! Your newspaper rack.”

    They Don’t Call It Pain-em For Nothing

    | New York, NY, USA | Language & Words

    (I work as a volunteer at our small public library, usually at the front desk, helping patrons and checking out their books.)

    Woman: *approaching desk* “Do you have…Hunger Pains?”

    Me: “Sorry, what?”

    Woman: “I think it’s called Hunger…Pains?

    Me: “Oh, The Hunger Games? It’s very popular right now.”

    Woman: “Oh, right. My son told me the name. I knew I was going to get it wrong!”

    Better Than Swimming With The Fishes

    | New York, USA | Language & Words

    (Like any grocery store, we have different departments, including seafood. I work in the customer service department. Even though the phone system gives you options of different departments to connect you to them, many customers will just choose our number because it’s one of the first suggested.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [store], this is [name]. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Uh, hello, yes! I would like to speak with the fishes!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, the fishes?”

    Customer: “Yes! The fishes!”

    Me: “You mean the seafood department?”

    Customer: “Yes! The fishes!”

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