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    Category: Language & Words

    This category features customers whose mishandling of vocabulary and grammar are so bad that we literally have no words to describe them!

    The Cuss-tomer Is Always Right

    | USA | Family & Kids, Language & Words, Top

    (A mother storms into our day camp. She’s holding her five-year-old son by the arm.)

    Mom: “My son said the F-word last night after coming home from YOUR day camp. I will NOT have a bunch of unprofessional teenagers setting bad examples for my child!”

    Me: “I’m so sorry, ma’am. I have no idea which employee could have said that, but I will definitely call a meeting with all of our counselors to discuss this.”

    Mom: “Yeah, you’d better. I should have all of you fired, really!”

    (She turns to leave, but as she walks away she drops her sunglasses.)

    Mom: “Oh, f***!”

    So Much Pun

    | Springfield, MO, USA | Awesome Customers, Language & Words, Top

    (I’m zoning the laundry aisle at a popular retail store. An elderly couple walks down the aisle. The husband makes a pun of every name brand he walks by.)

    Customer: “CHEER up, dear. We’re in a new ERA now. We’re ALL together, and have everything to GAIN. So SNUGGLE up, but be careful. There’s a TIDE coming in, so SURF’s up!”

    (Best. Old dude. Ever.)

    Flayed Nerves

    | California, USA | Language & Words

    Customer: “Hi, I’m looking for a cookbook by a famous chef. He’s on TV. His name is Bobby Fray.”

    Me: “Oh, sure…you mean Bobby Flay. Let me—”

    Customer: “No, no, NO! I said Bobby FRAY. That’s F-R-A-Y. Fray!”

    Me: “Okay, just follow me over to the cookbooks. We’ll take a look and see if we can find what you’re looking for.”

    (She follows me to the cookbooks. I pull one of Bobby Flay’s books off the shelf and hand it to her.)

    Me: “Is this the author you were looking for?”

    Customer: “Yes! See, Bobby Fray—”

    (Upon reading “Flay,” she screams in frustration and throws the book on the floor at my feet and storms out.)

    Me: *speechless*

    E Pluribus Dumbum

    | Pennsylvania, USA | Language & Words

    (We have a regular customer who always brings in his latest metal detector find for me to see, knowing that I’m a fan of antiques and history.)

    Customer: “See this ring my metal detector found this morning?”

    Me: *looks at the ring* “It looks like an old military officer’s ring. See the rank insignia on one side, the army seal on the other, and ‘E pluribus unum’ around where there used to be a gem/stone?”

    Customer: “‘In God we trust.’”

    Me: “What?”

    Customer: “‘E pluribus unum’ means ‘In God we trust.’”

    Me: “Actually, it is Latin for ‘Out of many, one.’ It’s the nation’s motto, meaning we are many states and people, but one country.”

    Customer: *suddenly angry* “NO! It means ‘In God we trust’, like on money! WHY DO YOU HATE AMERICA?!” *storms out*

    That’ll Be One Rippled Rear

    | USA | Health & Body, Language & Words

    (A woman walks into the video section of the department store.)

    Customer: “I’ve been looking all over this d*** store, and I can’t find the new Buns of Abs workout video!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ll try to find it for you. Were you looking for Buns of Steel or Abs of Steel?”

    Customer: “It’s called BUNS OF ABS! BUNS OF ABS! BUNS OF ABS! BUNS OF ABS! Don’t you think I know what I’m talking about?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. I’m sorry, but it looks like we only have Buns of Steel and Abs of Steel at this moment. Would you like either of these two?”

    Customer: “No, I want Buns of Abs!”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. I’m afraid we simply don’t have your video in stock. Is there anything else I can do to assist you?”

    (The customer lumbers off, grumbling. Thankfully, at the insistence of her daughter, she came back two minutes later to purchase Abs of Steel and Buns of Steel.)

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