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  • Category: Language & Words

    This category features customers whose mishandling of vocabulary and grammar are so bad that we literally have no words to describe them!

    Portrait Of A Customer As A Young Man

    | Curitiba, Brazil | Language & Words

    Me: “Hi, this is [bookstore]. Can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, do you have Ulysses in stock?”

    Me: “We have it on paperback and hardcover. Do you want to make a reservation?”

    Caller: “What is the author’s name?”

    Me: “It’s James Joyce, sir.”

    Caller: “J-A-M-E-S-J-O-Y-C-E, 10 letters… thank you! I’m doing some crosswords and I needed the answer to this. Thanks!” *click*

    This Sauce Has A Bite To It

    , | Maryland, USA | Food & Drink, Language & Words

    Me: “Would you like any sauces or ketchup, sir?”

    Customer: “Yea, I’ll take some of that Pomeranian Sauce.”

    Me: “Pardon?”

    Customer: “Pomeranian Sauce!”

    Me: “Uh… you mean Polynesian Sauce?”

    Customer: “Oh! Yeah, that’s it!”

    Much A-Poo About Nothing

    | London, UK | Language & Words

    (Our games are priced with the stickers in the top right hand corner. If there is a special offer sticker, this goes directly below the normal price sticker. A customer approaches me holding an old PS2 game which has the aforementioned stickers.)

    Customer: “How can you sell this filth?”

    Me: “What game is that you’re upset about, sir?”

    Customer: “POO PARADE! Sick filth!”

    (I take the game from him and remove the two price stickers.)

    Me: “There you go sir, now you can see the whole title. This game is called Pool Paradise. It’s simply a snooker and pool simulation game.”

    Customer: *leaves quickly*

    The Sole Of Discretion

    | New Jersey, USA | Language & Words, Rude & Risque

    (There is an older customer who comes into our store often during overnights. She always announces herself as the “short blond lady.” She is actually very nice, but she spends at the least an hour at the store minimum, taking up a lot of the staff’s time.)

    Customer: “Where can I find erotic insoles? You know, the expensive ones that match your feet perfectly?”

    Me: “Um… you can find them over by aisle 17. We have a special machine for that.”

    Customer: “Thank you. I’ve always wanted to try erotics. They’re supposed to help for my back and legs especially walking around so often!”

    Me: “Yes, I heard they were very good. Pricey, but good.”

    (15 minutes later she comes back up with the insoles.)

    Customer: “Okay, so I found the erotic insoles… wait a minute, what are these called again?”

    Me: “They’re called orthotic insoles.”

    Customer: *laughs* “Oh! How embarrassing of me!”

    Clueless And Shampooless

    | Rockford, IL, USA | Bigotry, Language & Words

    (A customer comes in to exchange a bottle of conditioner for a bottle of shampoo.)

    Customer: “I would like to return this mess. It says ‘Shampoo’ when it clearly reads ‘Conditioner’.”

    Me: “I’m sorry for the mix-up. Let’s get you the correct bottle.”

    (I proceed to go with her to help her get the right item. After taking a couple seconds to look, she lets out an exasperated sigh.)

    Customer: “I can’t believe it! They all say ‘Shampoo’ AND ‘Conditioner’. SEE?!”

    (She thrusts the bottle into my hands. I look at it a minute and see what she means.)

    Me: “Oh, ma’am, this one is conditioner, but these over here are shampoo.”

    Customer: “What?! That’s stupid! Why does it say ‘Shampoo’ when it’s ‘Conditioner’?”

    Me: “Oh, because it actually reads ‘apres shampooing’, which literally means ‘after shampoo’, which in turn means it’s conditioner.”

    Customer: “Well, I don’t speak Spanish!”

    Me: “Ma’am, it’s French.”

    Customer: “Well, you d*** French people need to give the jobs back to the REAL Americans. We’d get this labeling s*** right!

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