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  • Category: Language & Words

    This category features customers whose mishandling of vocabulary and grammar are so bad that we literally have no words to describe them!

    With Customers Like These, Sales Are Guaranteed To Take Off

    | Las Vegas, NV, USA | Language & Words

    Me: “Hi, may I help you find something today?”

    Customer: “Uh, yeah. Where do you have your ceiling propellers?”

    Me: “Do you mean ceiling fans?”

    Customer: “No, I’m looking for ceiling propellers.”

    (I assume that she is looking for ceiling fans anyway, and point her towards them.)

    Me: “Is that what you’re looking for?”

    Customer: “Oh yes! There’s your ceiling propellers. I thought you sold them!”

    In A Tsary State, Part 2

    | Boston, MA, USA | Language & Words

    (A group of three Russian 20-somethings comes in; they’re unaware that I also speak Russian. Note: state law in Massachusetts says I have to card everyone in a group in order to sell them alcohol.)

    Me: “May I see your IDs?”

    (Two give me their IDs, but one doesn’t have it on him.)

    Customer: “He’s not drinking.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I need his ID anyway. State law: I have to card the whole group.”

    Customer: “But he’s not drinking.”

    Me: “If you don’t all have IDs, I can’t sell this to you. Sorry, guys.”

    (The man without his ID goes to their car to get it. He returns, I check it, and proceed to run the credit card through, but the customer is clearly upset by this minor inconvenience. I print out the receipt and the customer signs the store copy.)

    Customer: *in Russian* “Here you go, b****.”

    Me: *also in Russian* “Thank you! Bye bye, now!”

    (I have never seen anyone leave the store that quickly before in my life!)

    In A Tsary State

    Not Specifying Spices Can Spark Speculation

    | Atlanta, GA, USA | Food & Drink, Language & Words

    (I work a popular sub sandwich chain. I’m finishing up a customer’s sandwich with vegetables and condiments.)

    Me: “Would you like anything else?”

    Customer: “Yeah, some peppers.”

    (Note: the customer is very clearly pronouncing the “s” in “peppers.” We have bell peppers, pepperoncinis, and jalapeños.)

    Me: “Which kind?”

    Customer: “Peppers.”

    Me: “Which kind of peppers?”

    Customer: “PEP-PERS. PEPPERS!”

    Me: “Yes, but which kind?”

    Customer: “Freaking black peppers! Right there in the shaker! The only peppers you have!”

    Me: “Oh, pepper! I’m sorry, I thought you were talking about the veggies.”

    Customer: “Why would peppers be a vegetable?! It’s just little black flakes!”

    Me: *speechless*

    Customer: *to her companion* “Dumb b****!”

    Parlez-vous Down Under

    | California, USA | Geography, Language & Words

    (I’ve just finished ringing up a customer. Note that I have a very noticeable Australian accent, as I am from Australia.)

    Me: “Have a nice day!”

    Customer: “You too! By the way, I’m surprised, your English is really good!”

    Me: “Er… thanks?”

    Customer: “No, really! I mean it! If it weren’t for your accent, I’d have no idea you were French!”

    Me: “Um… actually, I’m from Australia.”

    Customer: “Oh, nonsense! I know a French accent when I hear one! Come on, say something in French!”

    (To humor her, I make up some random sounds that vaguely sound like French, as I do not actually speak French.)

    Customer: “See! I knew you were French! So what does that mean?”

    Me: “It means, ‘I don’t speak any French because I’m not from France.’”

    Customer: “Oh, you! You French have such great senses of humor!”

    Not So Profound Profanities

    | UK | At The Checkout, Family & Kids, Language & Words, Rude & Risque

    (While waiting at the self-checkout tills, I overhear this conversation.)

    Customer #1: “This bloody till won’t work! Why won’t it scan my coupons?”

    (At this, an employee appears to help.)

    Employee: “Here we are, ma’am. You just put your coupons in this slot here and it should work.”

    (Suddenly, a middle-aged woman with a young daughter who are using another self-checkout pipes up.)

    Customer #2: *to Customer #1* “Excuse me, could you please refrain from using language like that in public? I don’t want my daughter picking up bad habits”.

    Customer #1: “Oh, of course!” *to Customer #2′s daughter* “I’m sorry, sweetie. Never ever use the word you heard me use just now…”

    Customer #2: “Thanks!”

    (Customer #2 smiles and gets back to scanning her items, but Customer #1 isn’t done speaking.)

    Customer #1: “…unless you’re really f***ed off, that is!”

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