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    Category: Language & Words

    This category features customers whose mishandling of vocabulary and grammar are so bad that we literally have no words to describe them!

    Not Seeing The Problem Here

    | Tampa Bay, FL, USA | Food & Drink, Language & Words, Top

    (I am a server at a rather nice restaurant in the downtown area. It’s New Year’s Eve and a couple in their forties are enjoying the after-meal cocktails while waiting for the midnight fireworks.)

    Me: “How are the drinks?”

    Customer: “Great, thanks.”

    Me: “Anything else that I can get for you at the moment?”

    Customer: “I’m fine.”

    Customer’s Wife: “I’ll have another glass of wine, please.”

    Me: “No problem at all—”

    Customer: “You know, I really hate people that use that term ‘No problem.’ It’s as if to say you doing your job is an inconvenience. You should just do it.”

    Me: “My apologies, sir. It’s merely a turn of phrase. I will get your drink right away.”

    (I walk off, a little irritated, but otherwise still smiling. Some time goes by without incident and this table continues to get drinks up until close, at which point the customer approaches me as I’m doing some side work.)

    Customer: “Hey, I think I was being a bit of a jerk earlier with that whole “No problem” thing. My wife made me come over and apologize.”

    Me: “Oh, it’s fine, sir.”

    Customer: “No, really, I’m sorry about that!”

    Me: *without thinking* “It’s no problem, sir.”

    (We both realize what I’ve said and the the customer stares at me, but he bites his tongue and shakes my hand before walking away. His wife just behind him? Cracking up!)

    You’re Welcome, Custer Mer

    | Jacksonville, FL, USA | Language & Words, Top

    (An older gentleman calls our doctor’s office with questions about an upcoming test he is scheduled for. We talk at length about what is going to be done and why it was going to be done.)

    Patient: “I’m sorry to have so many questions.”

    Me: “Oh, that’s no problem. You can always call and ask for clarification when you need it.”

    (I answer several more questions.)

    Me: “Okay, Mr. [name]. I hope I have been able to help.”

    Patient: “Thank you very much, Clara Fication! You’ve been very helpful.”

    Obviously Infected With Selective Hearingitis

    | Arizona, USA | Language & Words, Technology

    (On an unusually busy day during the slow summer sales period, a customer comes into our department and begins talking to a coworker of mine.)

    Customer: “Hey there! I’m looking for this anti-virus program that my friend told me about. I don’t remember the name, but I know it starts with a ‘k’. Oh, and it sounds Russian! I know I would remember it if I heard i or saw the box!”

    Coworker: “Oh! You must mean Kaspersky! I know it quite well, because it is the only anti-virus that I have used for the last three years.”

    Customer: “No! No, that is definitely not it! You must not know what you’re talking about. I’ll just go find it myself.”

    (I happen to be standing right next to a section nearby that houses only Kaspersky products. The customer looked around a little, and then came up to me.)

    Customer: “Hey there, I talked to one of your friends over there before, and she obviously didn’t know what she was talking about. Ha!”

    (He then repeats the same thing he said to my coworker.)

    Me: “Oh, do you mean Kaspersky?”

    Customer: “Yes! That’s the one! That other girl obviously didn’t have a clue!”

    Related:
    A Nasty Case Of Selective Hearingitis

    Portrait Of A Customer As A Young Man

    | Curitiba, Brazil | Language & Words

    Me: “Hi, this is [bookstore]. Can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, do you have Ulysses in stock?”

    Me: “We have it on paperback and hardcover. Do you want to make a reservation?”

    Caller: “What is the author’s name?”

    Me: “It’s James Joyce, sir.”

    Caller: “J-A-M-E-S-J-O-Y-C-E, 10 letters… thank you! I’m doing some crosswords and I needed the answer to this. Thanks!” *click*

    This Sauce Has A Bite To It

    , | Maryland, USA | Food & Drink, Language & Words

    Me: “Would you like any sauces or ketchup, sir?”

    Customer: “Yea, I’ll take some of that Pomeranian Sauce.”

    Me: “Pardon?”

    Customer: “Pomeranian Sauce!”

    Me: “Uh… you mean Polynesian Sauce?”

    Customer: “Oh! Yeah, that’s it!”

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