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    Category: Language & Words

    This category features customers whose mishandling of vocabulary and grammar are so bad that we literally have no words to describe them!

    Diolch yn fawr Very Much

    | Porthmadog, Wales, UK | Awesome Workers, Bigotry, Language & Words, Top

    (I am a customer in a store, queuing at a till being worked at by my friend. I always try to be polite, and if I see a customer has more groceries than me, or looks busier than me, or is elderly, I always offer them to take the place ahead of me when it’s my turn next at the checkout. I live in a Welsh-speaking area so normally ask in Welsh first, then repeat in English if the other person does not understand.)

    Me: *in Welsh* “Hello, sir. Would you like to go next to the till? I don’t mind waiting.”

    Elderly gentleman: *in English* “DID YOU JUST SWEAR AT ME?”

    Me: *in English* “Not at all, I was simply trying t—”

    Elderly gentleman: “I can’t stand you young Welsh people. You think that because you have your own private little language that you can just swear and joke about us tourists. I’ll tell you what, missy, I bet you don’t have a job, you’re probably on benefits. The only people who have jobs around here are here to support tourists like me, who come here out of the kindness of our hearts to inject some money into your miserable, pathetic little local economy. I’ll not have it! I deserve better!”

    (Hearing this, my friend and coworker speaks up in my defense.)

    Coworker: “Actually, sir, she was just asking if you’d like to go next in the queue. Because this isn’t the regular tourist season, she was asking in Welsh. And for your information, she is also English. She’s been learning since she got here to Wales as she thinks it is important to preserve the local heritage. Now, will you take advantage of this girl’s generous offer to go first and let everyone else get on with their day, or will I call a manager and ask you to leave the store owing to your somewhat racist behaviour?”

    (The customer goes red, and slides in front of me in the queue. My coworker would not finish his transaction until she had taught him to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ in Welsh.)

    Auctions Speak Louder Than Words

    | Nottingham, England, UK | Language & Words, Money

    Me: “Hi, you’ve reached [me] at [company]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I sent my item back because I didn’t want it, and now you’re refusing to give me a refund.”

    (I take the customer’s order number and details and see what our system says.)

    Me: “According to our system, we received your item back on [date] and the refund should have been automatic.”

    Customer: “Well, I haven’t got it, and I got an email today telling me you were going to auction my refund!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

    Customer: “I can’t believe you can’t even do a simple refund! How stupid are you? I’ve shopped with you for a very long time, but I never will again! How dare you auction my things?”

    (The customer goes on like this for a few minutes, accusing the company of stealing her money and me of being too stupid to help her. Once she stops, I get a chance to reply.)

    Me: “Okay. Might the e-mail say we’re actioning your refund”?”

    Customer: *hangs up*

    Doe Is Dear

    | Washington, DC, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Language & Words, Pets & Animals

    (I work at a pet supply store that offers alternative foods for animals with allergies.)

    Customer: “What’s bee-son?”

    Me: “Bison. It’s an alternate protein source, similar to beef.”

    Customer: “But what is it?”

    Me: “It’s also called buffalo. It’ a lot like beef, just leaner.”

    Customer: “But what is it?”

    Me: “They’re kind of like, um, feral cows?”

    Customer: *blank stare*

    Me: “Moo?”

    Customer: “Well, why didn’t you just say that? And veen-ay-son?”

    (She points to a bag labelled “venison.”)

    Me: “That’s deer.”

    Customer: *more blank staring*

    (I put my hands up on either side of my head like antlers.)

    Me: “Bambi?”

    Customer: “All these fancy names for things. It’s just so you can charge more for it, isn’t it?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. That’s exactly how it works.”

    Focaccia, I Choose You

    | TX, USA | Food & Drink, Language & Words

    Me: “Hello, ma’am, would you like to order?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like a Pikachu.”

    Me: *confused* “Pardon me?”

    Customer: “A Pikachu! A Pikachu!” *points at the menu, where it says ‘focaccia’*

    Me: “Right, one Pikachu…”

    No IQ For IV

    | Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Language & Words

    (I work at a video store. A customer is on the far side of the store and yells out to me. He does not hold up the DVD.)

    Customer: “Hey man, which Saw is this?”

    Me: “Well, what does it say on the cover?”

    Customer: “It doesn’t say anything!”

    (I walk over to the customer and immediately recognise the problem.)

    Me: “That would be Saw 4, sir. ‘IV’ means four.”

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