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    Category: Language & Words

    This category features customers whose mishandling of vocabulary and grammar are so bad that we literally have no words to describe them!

    Stereotypes Are A Bigot’s Best Friend

    | Stewart, BC, Canada | Bigotry, Language & Words, Top

    (Born and raised in Donegal, Ireland, I moved to Canada in my late teens. I still carry an extremely thick accent. I am working my first day at a call center and pick up the phone.)

    Me: “Hello, my name is Danny; how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’m sorry; what did you say? Your name is Darry?”

    Me: “My name is Danny, sir. Short form of Daniel.”

    Customer: “Wait, are you a Scotsman?”

    Me: “Irishman, sir.”

    Customer: “Oh, f***’s sake! Put me on the phone with someone who can help me.”

    Me: “Well, sir, I am new to this profession, but I assure you that I’ll—”

    Customer: “No, just shut up and get me an American! You can go get drunk off an a**-load of whiskey that you pale f***s live for.”

    Me: “Sir, with all due respect, I work in a Canadian call center, and therefore most of the workers here are Canadian, not American.”

    Customer: “I can’t understand you! You’re slurring because of how f****** drunk you always are! Go get me your boss, ya f****** Leprechaun!”

    (I proceed to put my boss on the phone, who happens to be an African-American.)

    Customer: “Sir, my call was just answered by an Irishman.”

    (My boss raises an eyebrow at me, and I shrug.)

    Boss: “Yes, and?”

    Customer: “And I want to make that next time I call, I don’t end up with a n****** on the other end. Real people should be doing this kind of work. I’m sure you’re a respectable man who will think about this.”

    Boss: “Actually, sir, I happen to be black.”

    Customer: “Oh, s***!” *hangs up*

    A Cursory Attitude To Cursing

    | MI, USA | Books & Reading, Language & Words

    (A couple walk into my store.)

    Me: “Hi, can I help you find anything?”

    Woman: “Yes, we’re looking for the book Go the F**k to Sleep.”

    Me: “I think I have that right back here.”

    Man: “Honey, I think ‘go the F to sleep” is the polite way to say that.”

    Me: “No worries. If I’m selling it, I should be able to hear it.

    Man: “Touché.”

    Not The Greatest Heights Of Intelligence

    | Seattle, WA, USA | Extra Stupid, Language & Words

    (I’m working a helpline with a woman to take her information so she can sign up for help to quit smoking. She’s clearly not the brightest berry in the bunch, and I’ve had to explain nearly every question in super-easy terms.)

    Me: “What is the highest level of education you’ve had?”

    Caller: “Five foot nine.”

    Try Before You Psy

    | USA | Language & Words, Musical Mayhem

    (I work in a store that sells movies, games and music among other memorabilia. A customer approaches me.)

    Customer: “I’d like to exchange this CD.”

    Me: “I can offer you store credit, and you can use it to purchase anything in the store.”

    Customer: “Well, I was looking for this same CD but in English.”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “My daughter asked me for this CD, but it seems I made a mistake, as it’s all in Chinese! I want the CD in English.”

    (She shows me the CD in question, and I see it’s a ‘Girls’ Generation’ album, a Korean girl group.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am; this album is of a Korean girl group. They sing in Korean.”

    Customer: “Korean, Chinese, whatever, I just want the American version with the songs in English!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, they’re Korean singers. They sing in Korean. They have Japanese albums too, but we don’t have them, though.”

    Customer: “So they’re not in English?”

    Me: “I’m afraid not.”

    Customer: “Then why the h*** do I want to listen to it if I can’t understand it?”

    Job Unap-para-ent

    | Salt Lake City, UT, USA | Extra Stupid, Language & Words

    (I am a paralegal. Paralegals are trained in the law, but they are not lawyers, and are prohibited from giving legal advice. I am also a young woman. I am helping two elderly clients when this happens.)

    Me: “Hello, clients! I’m the attorney’s paralegal, and I will be assisting today.”

    Client: “Oh, I see. So…”

    (The client proceeds to ask a question that would clearly be the practice of law if I answered it.)

    Me: “We’ll have to ask the attorney on that one. That goes out of scope for me as a paralegal.”

    Client: “What do you mean? I thought you were just like him! Why can’t you answer my questions?”

    Me: “I’m a paralegal, sir, not a lawyer.”

    Client: “Oh. I thought that was what they called lady lawyers… paralegals.”

    Me: “Um, nope. Paralegals do a lot of legal work, we set appoints, do research and writing, and a good deal of interviewing, but we don’t represent people in court or give legal advice.”

    Client: “SO you’re basically a glorified secretary?”

    (I breathe a deep sigh, as I have a two year degree in legal studies.)

    Me: “If that helps you understand it, then yes, I suppose so.”

    (Note: A paralegal is NOTHING like a secretary. NOTHING.)

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