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  • Had It Up To Their Neck With Bad Customers
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    Category: Language & Words

    This category features customers whose mishandling of vocabulary and grammar are so bad that we literally have no words to describe them!

    Auctions Speak Louder Than Words

    | Nottingham, England, UK | Language & Words, Money

    Me: “Hi, you’ve reached [me] at [company]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I sent my item back because I didn’t want it, and now you’re refusing to give me a refund.”

    (I take the customer’s order number and details and see what our system says.)

    Me: “According to our system, we received your item back on [date] and the refund should have been automatic.”

    Customer: “Well, I haven’t got it, and I got an email today telling me you were going to auction my refund!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

    Customer: “I can’t believe you can’t even do a simple refund! How stupid are you? I’ve shopped with you for a very long time, but I never will again! How dare you auction my things?”

    (The customer goes on like this for a few minutes, accusing the company of stealing her money and me of being too stupid to help her. Once she stops, I get a chance to reply.)

    Me: “Okay. Might the e-mail say we’re actioning your refund”?”

    Customer: *hangs up*

    Doe Is Dear

    | Washington, DC, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Language & Words, Pets & Animals

    (I work at a pet supply store that offers alternative foods for animals with allergies.)

    Customer: “What’s bee-son?”

    Me: “Bison. It’s an alternate protein source, similar to beef.”

    Customer: “But what is it?”

    Me: “It’s also called buffalo. It’ a lot like beef, just leaner.”

    Customer: “But what is it?”

    Me: “They’re kind of like, um, feral cows?”

    Customer: *blank stare*

    Me: “Moo?”

    Customer: “Well, why didn’t you just say that? And veen-ay-son?”

    (She points to a bag labelled “venison.”)

    Me: “That’s deer.”

    Customer: *more blank staring*

    (I put my hands up on either side of my head like antlers.)

    Me: “Bambi?”

    Customer: “All these fancy names for things. It’s just so you can charge more for it, isn’t it?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. That’s exactly how it works.”

    Focaccia, I Choose You

    | TX, USA | Food & Drink, Language & Words

    Me: “Hello, ma’am, would you like to order?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like a Pikachu.”

    Me: *confused* “Pardon me?”

    Customer: “A Pikachu! A Pikachu!” *points at the menu, where it says ‘focaccia’*

    Me: “Right, one Pikachu…”

    No IQ For IV

    | Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Language & Words

    (I work at a video store. A customer is on the far side of the store and yells out to me. He does not hold up the DVD.)

    Customer: “Hey man, which Saw is this?”

    Me: “Well, what does it say on the cover?”

    Customer: “It doesn’t say anything!”

    (I walk over to the customer and immediately recognise the problem.)

    Me: “That would be Saw 4, sir. ‘IV’ means four.”

    Yukon Not Steal It

    | Strasbourg, France | Canada, Criminal/Illegal, Family & Kids, Language & Words, Tourists/Travel

    (I’m Canadian, but I’m visiting my French cousin and helping him do some repairs on his cafe. While we’re working, a large family passes by, obviously lost. I’m wearing a shirt with a large Canadian flag on the back.)

    Mother: “Excuse me! I’m sorry to bother you, but are you Canadian?”

    Me: “Yes, I am.”

    Mother: “Thank god! We’ve been lost for hours.”

    (She shows me her map. Ultimately, I work out they’re trying to cross the border into Germany, but got lost trying to find out how to get there.)

    Father: “Good thing the signs are all in French, or else we wouldn’t have managed to find our way around anywhere!”

    Me: “Yeah, it sure makes things easier for Canadians, eh?”

    (Suddenly, there’s a scuffle behind me. My cousin comes out dragging two of their sons behind him.)

    Cousin: “They were trying to steal bottles of juice! I heard them planning it!”

    Son #1: *to Son #2* “Well, how was I supposed to know they speak French here? They all sound so different!”

    (Quebecois and French speakers do sound somewhat different, but angry mothers are universal!)

    Related:
    Yukon Call Them
    Yukon See It On A Map, Part 3
    Yukon Not Spend It
    Yukon Not Believe This Juan


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