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    Category: Language & Words

    This category features customers whose mishandling of vocabulary and grammar are so bad that we literally have no words to describe them!

    Speaking American Is A Country Diction In Terms

    | USA | Bigotry, Language & Words, Top

    (We have one really racist customer who calls in every few hours, and asks ridiculous questions about the employees. When he gets answers he doesn’t like, he hangs up. One of our reps decides she’ll deal with him the next time he calls, so we pass the call along to her. It is slow, so a few of us crowd around to listen.)

    Representative: “Thank you for calling [company]; how may I help you?”

    Caller: “None of that s***! Before you help me, you have to pass a test. First of all, were you born in the state you live in?”

    Representative: “No, sir. Now how may I help you?”

    Caller: “That’s strike one. Were you born in the US?”

    Representative: “Yes. Is that all?”

    Caller: “How long has your family been here?”

    Representative: *mischievous smile* “Which side are you inquiring about, sir?”

    Caller: “Excuse me?”

    Representative: “Well I’m assuming you have at least a rudimentary understanding of genetics. Therefore, unless your parents are brother and sister, you should have two sides to your family.”

    Caller: “Who the f*** you think you are, asking me that?”

    Representative: “Well, you’re the one who asked an unclear question, sir.”

    Caller: “And you ain’t smart enough to know I meant BOTH sides of your family?”

    Representative: “Well, sir, to answer your ambiguous question it depends on which part of the family you mean. Both my parents were born in the United States.”

    Caller: “What about their parents?”

    Representative: “What about them?”

    Caller: “YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!”

    Representative: “Well I really don’t think that’s any of your business, sir.”

    Caller: “I want to make sure I’m dealing with a real American, you hear me? Someone who can speak American good, who ain’t some dummy foreigner, and who ain’t none of them [string of racial slurs]!”

    Representative: “Sir, as someone who majored in language and literature in college, I can guarantee you that I probably speak English better than you do.”

    Caller: “That ain’t good enough! I said American! Not English!”

    Representative: “You do realize that American is a vernacular of English?”

    Caller: “What’s that?”

    Representative: “Why don’t you get a dictionary, and look it up? While you’re at it, look up ‘inbred’ and ‘bigot’, and call back when you figure out why I suggested it.” *hangs up*

    Law And Order: The Next Generation

    | Australia | Family & Kids, Language & Words, Money, Top

    (A customer approaches the counter with curtains in her hand. Her 15-year-old daughter hovers around.)

    Me: “Hello, ma’am! Those curtains will be a total of $45, at $15 a piece.”

    Customer: “What? No, the sign said $5 a piece.”

    Me: “Really? I’m very sorry for the inconvenience, ma’am; I was told not to sell these specific curtains for any less than $15. We are a charity drive, so I hope you understand the pricing.”

    Customer: “No, you don’t get it. These curtains were over there on that rack, and it said $5! You are bound, by law, to sell me these at this pri—”

    (The daughter interrupts.)

    Customer’s Daughter: “Actually, she’s not. The sign beside the curtains could have been referring to any number of things. That said, even if we were to assume that it referred to the curtains themselves, it would only constitute an invitation to treat, which is something very different to an offer. You know as well as I do that both an offer and an acceptance are needed to form a contract. By taking the curtains to the counter, you’re offering, and by disagreeing with an express term of the contract—in this case, the price—this lovely lady who’s merely performing her job is not accepting. Therefore, no contract has been formed.”

    Customer: “I… I… shut up!”

    (The customer storms out of the shop.)

    Me: “Thank you!”

    Customer’s Daughter: “No problem. I just finished a semester on contract law, and she’s done this in the past three stores we’ve gone to. I hope things look up for you!”

    Getting In A Puff About The Pastry

    | Bethesda, Wales, UK | Extra Stupid, Funny Names, Language & Words

    Customer: “What’s that?”

    Me: “That’s an almond croissant.”

    Customer: “What about that one?”

    Me: “A chocolate croissant.”

    Customer: “And that one?”

    Me: “Plain croissant.”

    Customer: “Nah. What’s that?”

    Me: “Pain au chocolat.”

    Customer: “What the f*** does that mean?”

    Me: “It’s a pastry with chocolate in it.”

    Customer: “So, it’s like nutty, yeah?”

    Me: “Well, we can’t guarantee it’s nut free, but the pastry just contains a roll of chocolate paste.”

    Customer: “So what does ‘pain’ mean?”

    Me: “It’s the French word for ‘bread’.”

    Customer: “Oooh! Posh! So what’s ‘chocolat’ mean, peanuts?”

    Me: “Nope, ‘chocolat’ is French for ‘chocolate’.”

    Customer: “I don’t like France; too artsy-fartsy. I’ll just have one of them chocolate croissants, then.”

    Must Have An Ex-Wife

    | UT, USA | Language & Words

    (I am providing a customer a temporary password.)

    Me: “That is ‘X’, like X-ray.”

    Customer: “X-ray starts with an ‘E’. Didn’t you go to school?”

    Me: “X-ray starts with an ‘X’, sir.”

    Customer: “Fine, have it your way, then!”

    Not The PIN-nacle Of Intelligence

    | Athens, GA, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Language & Words, Money

    (I have finished scanning the customer’s items at the register.)

    Me: “Your total come to [price].”

    (The customer pulls out a card to pay.)

    Me: “What kind of card is it?”

    Customer: “Debit.”

    (I hit the debit key on my register. She proceeds to swipe it on her side, and I turn to finish bagging her groceries.)

    Customer: “This thing isn’t working!”

    (I turn back to see her holding the machine’s electronic pen, looking frustrated.)

    Me: “I’m sorry; did it not read your card? These things get temperamental sometimes.”

    Customer: “No, it read the card. But it’s not doing anything!”

    Me: “Hmm. Well, what does the screen say?”

    Customer: “It just says to enter my PIN.”

    Me: “Well then, just enter your PIN, ma’am.”

    Customer: “I did that twice, and it didn’t take it! It’s not working!”

    (The customer proceeds to demonstrate, by WRITING her PIN on the screen with the pen.)

    Me: “Um, no, ma’am. You use the buttons to type it in. The screen can’t read hand writing.”

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