Customer: “Is there a** sailing here?”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Customer: “A** sailing. You know, like rock climbing?”

Me: “You mean abseiling?”

Customer: “That’s what I said!”

Me: “What salad would you like?”

Customer: “Lettuce, cucumber, capsicum, Filipino–”

Me: *laughing* “Did you mean jalapeño?”

(I’m stocking shelves when a customer approaches me.)

Customer: “Excuse me, do you have any a** wipe?”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “You know, a** wipe?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Toilet paper?”

Me: “Oh! Aisle 6.”

(The customer smiles and leaves. I’m from the area, so I can confirm that “a** wipe” isn’t a regional term for toilet paper!)

(I’ve just handed the customer her credit card receipt.)

Customer: “Why do they put that diagonal line through the O’s?”

Me: “To distinguish the zeroes from the O’s.”

Customer: “But they’re the same thing.”

Me: “Zero is a number, but O is a letter.”

Customer: “No, they’re the same thing!”

(We have international newspapers that we keep behind us at the till. Also, I’m female. I’ve just finished ringing up some British newspapers for a customer.)

Me: “Have a brilliant day.”

Customer: “Can I take a look at your rack?”

(This not only catches me off guard, but all the staff and customers within earshot, who turn and look at us.)

Me: “Pardon?”

Customer: “I just want to see what else you’ve got to offer.”

(Everybody is still staring.)

Customer: *realizing what he’s said* “Oh! Your newspaper rack.”