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  • Had It Up To Their Neck With Bad Customers
    (2,477 thumbs up)
  • April Themed Story Giveaway: Creepy Customers!
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    Category: Language & Words

    This category features customers whose mishandling of vocabulary and grammar are so bad that we literally have no words to describe them!

    Dislike Father, Like Son

    | Cincinnati, OH, USA | Bigotry, Language & Words, Top

    (My father is having an issue with his prepaid cell phone that I haven’t been able to fix. I tell him to call the service provider. I am making dinner when I hear yelling in the other room, so I go running in.)

    Operator: *with strong Indian accent* “Sir, can you please confirm your father’s middle name?”

    Father: “What? What did you say? Speak English for the love of f***ing God!”

    (Note: I have a head cold and am nearly deaf from the pressure in my ears, yet I understand the operator just fine.)

    Operator: “I need you to confirm your security question, sir. Please, what is your father’s middle name?”

    Father: “I don’t know what you’re saying! Why can’t you just fix my phone?”

    Me: “Dad, give me the phone.”

    (I proceed to spend 45 minutes on the phone with the operator trying to figure out what my lunatic father has done to his account. It turns out that he registered the account with his name and my mother’s information. The operator finally managed to fix everything and was just about to end the call.)

    Father: “I want his name, address, and phone number before you hang up!”

    Me: “Um… why?”

    Father: “I’m going to complain about him. D*** foreigner needs to speak English! I can’t understand a thing he’s saying.”

    Me: “Seriously? He just spent nearly an hour fixing the account you screwed up and you want to complain? What is wrong with you?” *to the operator on the phone* “Thank you for your help. I’ll handle my father from here…”

    (Operator, wherever you are from, thank you for putting up with jacka**es like my dad. Not all of us are belligerent and bigoted.)

    Related:
    Dislike Father, Dislike Son
    Like Son, Like Father
    Like Father, Like Son

    A Mother’s Duty

    | LA, USA | Health & Body, Language & Words

    Me: “Thank you for calling the pharmacy. How may I help you?

    Customer: “Hi, my fiancè’s mother is incompetent, and I am going to be helping out with her medicines.”

    (When she says ‘incompetent,’ I am thinking she might want to transfer the woman’s meds to our pharmacy, has a question about her drugs, or something of the sort.)

    Me: “Okay, what can I help you with?”

    Customer: “Since she is incompetent, I think she is going to need some kind of diaper or underwear. So, what do y’all sell there?”

    UK is OK

    | Alabama, USA | Awesome Customers, Bigotry, Language & Words, Themed Giveaway, Top

    (I’m British, white-skinned, blue/green-eyed, red-haired, Celtic. I’m studying in the U.S. and work at a restaurant part-time. It’s a small-ish town and most people there seem to be quite sweet and any comments on my accent have always been ones of surprise or complimentary.)

    Me: “Good afternoon, sir and madam, are you ready to order?”

    Customer #1: *confused* “I’m sorry, what?”

    Me: “Are you ready to order?”

    Customer #1: *looks at her husband, confused* “What did she say?”

    Customer #2: “Must be a foreigner not bothering to learn English.” *slowly and loudly* “I CAN’T UNDERSTAND YOU. DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?”

    Me: *slowly and loudly* “YES, I DO, SIR. I ASKED IF YOU WERE READY TO ORDER.”

    Customer #2: “Oh, this is ridiculous! She doesn’t speak a word of English! Tell you what, all these foreigners are coming into America, taking American jobs from real Americans!”

    Customer #1: “Let’s find one who can understand us!”

    Me: “I can find someone else to take your order from you, if you’d prefer.”

    Customer #2: “Oh, she does speak English now!”

    Customer #1: “She was screwing with us the whole time! This is unacceptable! We don’t come here to be made fools of!”

    Customer #2: “Stupid foreigners coming in stealing our jobs and screwing up the American way of life!”

    Me: “If you’re worried about foreigners coming to America and stealing your livelihood and culture, you can take your complaints down to the nearest Native American reserve, where they will be more than happy to sympathise.”

    Customer #2: “How dare you?! You think you can come over here and disrespect the American people like that!”

    Customer #1: “We want the manager here now! I’ll have you fired and deported back to your own dirty country!”

    Me: “I’ll fetch him now for you.”

    Manager: “What seems to be the problem?”

    (Customer #1 & #2 rant excessively at him for employing foreigners who don’t speak English and disrespect Americans.)

    Manager: “Well, sorry to burst your bubble there, guys.” *gestures to me* “[My name] here is from the United Kingdom and arguably speaks better English than all of us. And she’s a valued employee so if it comes down to a choice between your custom and her working here, I’m a have to choose her over you two. Now get out of here!”

    (At this point, Customer #3, an old man with a thick southern accent, beckons me over.)

    Customer #3: “Hey, you, girlie.”

    Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

    Customer #3: “On behalf of the United States Of America, I just wanna apologise for the way those two morons just treated you. I been a citizen here for 78 years, an’ I ain’t never let nobody tell me howta treat people. I served alongside a British guy in a the last war and I never had a problem wi’ him. Far from it.”

    Me: “That’s so nice! Thank you!”

    Customer #3: “Woulda married him too if people like that wouldn’t make such a fuss about it.”

    Weekly Roundup: Language Hides Nothing!

    | Not Always Right | Language & Words, Roundups

    Weekly Roundup: Language Hides Nothing! This week, we feature five stories of bad customers badmouthing employees in another language… unfortunately for them, the employee understands every word!

    1. In A Tsary State (5,254 thumbs up)
    2. Customers Should Watch Their Language, Part 2 (4,345 thumbs up)
    3. Taiwannical Behavior (1,632 thumbs up)
    4. Es-pwñ-ol (1,822 thumbs up)
    5. Parlez-vous Douchebag (2,053 thumbs up)

    PS #1: check out our new Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news!

    PS #2: Read more roundups here!

    Guaranteed To Shut Anyone Up

    | San Antonio, TX, USA | Bad Behavior, Language & Words, Top

    (I am an EFL teacher and self-published writer. I am an English major and in several classes focusing on the history and structure of the English language. I am paying my way by working at a call center. I get a caller who sounds reasonably educated.)

    Caller: “I want you to tell me if there is a guarantee on this product.”

    Me: “I know, sir, but to cont—”

    Caller: “Tell me about the guarantee before we get anywhere else.”

    Me: “I’ve given you the information on my sidebar, sir. To get further details I need to advance the screen so can you just give me your name—”

    Caller: “Just tell me about the guarantee! Guarantee: Latin for get your money back!”

    Me: “Latinate.”

    Caller: “Pardon me?”

    Me: “It’s Latinate, not Latin. We acquired it from the French. Probably Parisian French but I’m not sure in that. Warranty actually comes from the same word, but Norman French has the W sound and other types of French don’t usually. Probably because the Normans were a bunch of Norse Viking types the French gave some land to in order not to be pillaged. The Normans invaded and conquered England and tried to obliterate the English language but only managed to get a bunch of words added. When the English invaded and conquered France a couple of hundred years later, they got the Parisian version of the word with the GU sound. This is why warranty has a more official and stronger meaning than guarantee.”

    Caller: “Uh…”

    Me: “Now, I have a specific script the client requires us to read about the guarantee. It is important that I read precisely the words they chose without interpretation. To get to that script, I need to process the first screen as if I am taking an order. I am not allowed to read from memory. If you choose not to order, then I just cancel it out and there is no order placed. Can I get your information now, sir?”

    Caller: *much calmer* “All right…”


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