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    Category: Language & Words

    This category features customers whose mishandling of vocabulary and grammar are so bad that we literally have no words to describe them!

    The First And True Language Of America

    | Santa Fe, NM, USA | Bigotry, History, Language & Words, Top

    (I’m waiting in line behind a woman speaking on her cellphone in another language. Ahead of her is a white man. After the woman hangs up, he speaks up.)

    Man: “I didn’t want to say anything while you were on the phone, but you’re in America now. You need to speak English.”

    Woman: “Excuse me?”

    Man: *very slow* “If you want to speak Mexican, go back to Mexico. In America, we speak English.”

    Woman: “Sir, I was speaking Navajo. If you want to speak English, go back to England.”

    Verbose On Verbs

    | Dayton, OH, USA | Language & Words

    (At our store we have a policy where we greet every guest we can.)

    Me: “Good evening, sir. How are you doing today?”

    Customer: “I’m doing alright. How about you?”

    Me: “I’m doing well.”

    Customer: “No, you’re not.”

    Me: “Excuse me, sir?”

    Customer: “You’re doing ‘good,’ not ‘well.’”

    Me: “As you say, sir. Is there anything I can help you with?”

    Customer: “Yes, you can start speaking proper English!”

    (At this point the customer is starting to become visibly upset and starts making a scene.)

    Me: “I can assure you, sir, that there is nothing wrong with my grammar. ‘Good’ is a word that can be used in conjunction with copular verbs. ‘Well,’ on the other hand, is an adverb, and in the context of the sentence ‘well’ would be the correct choice.”

    Customer: “Cop… ad… what? You don’t know what you’re talking about! You’re just a work drone!”

    Me: “Would you like to see my master’s degree in English and creative writing?”

    (The customer stammers a bit more and becomes very sheepish.)

    Me: “Now, is there anything I can help you with?”

    Customer: *embarrassed* “The ribs on sale?”

    Me: “Right over there on the end-cap. I hope you have a pleasant evening!”

    One Sandwich, Hold The Plural

    , | Stillwater, OK, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Food & Drink, Language & Words, Top

    (I am working at a very popular fast food place. I am very sick, and have tried to call in, but as we were short-handed, I am asked to come and just work the lunch rush. Since the lunch rush is over, my manager tells me to help the last two customers, who appear to be construction workers, and then I can go home. I smile brightly despite feeling like crap.)

    Me: “Hi, what can I get for you?”

    Customer: “I want [sandwiches]!”

    (I am confused, as he pluralizes the word and doesn’t specify the number of sandwiches.)

    Me: “Sure, how many would you like?”

    Customer: *glaring* “I… want… ONE… [sandwich]. Do you understand? ONE… [sandwich].”

    Me: “Sure, sorry for the misunderstanding. It’s just usually when someone pluralizes a word, that means they want more than one. Would you like the meal, or just the sandwich?”

    Customer: “I said ONE [sandwich]! I don’t want the d*** meal!”

    Me: “Okay, no problem. Would you like anything else?”

    Customer: “Yeah, give me a small fry and an orange juice.”

    Me: “Sir, it would actually be cheaper for you to just get the meal, which comes with a medium fry, and then you could still get orange juice as the drink.”

    Customer: “I said I don’t want the meal! Are you stupid?”

    Me: “No, sir, just trying to save you money. But that’s fine. Your total is [total].”

    (His total is a couple of dollars more than how much the meal would have been.)

    Customer: “Wait. How much would the meal be?”

    Me: “Just one moment, and I’ll total that up for you.”

    (I press a few buttons, canceling out his order, and replace it with the meal with an orange juice.)

    Me: “Your total doing it that way is [new total].”

    Customer: “Huh. I guess it is cheaper. I’ll do that instead.”

    (The customer pays, and I help the next customer in line, who is apparently one of his coworkers. This one is much nicer than the other one, and even says please and thank you. I get off work and go to change out of my work clothes so I can walk home. On my way out of the bathroom, I’m stopped by the two men.)

    Customer: “Listen, I’m really sorry for how I treated you. There was no excuse for that. I’ve just had a really bad day.”

    Me: “It’s okay, sir, really.”

    Customer: “This is for you.”

    (He hands me an apple pie, which he had apparently gotten after I had gone into the bathroom to change.)

    Customer: “Your manager tells me that you are sick today, and still came in. I never would have guessed you weren’t feeling well. Your customer service is really extraordinary, and I told him so.”

    Me: “Thank you so much, sir. I hope you have a much better day from here on out, both of you!”

    (They wish me a good day also, and tell me they hope I feel better soon. Somehow, after that, I DO actually feel better!)

    A Whole New World

    | NC, USA | Extra Stupid, Geography, Language & Words

    (I’m spending the summer with my grandmother in a small southern town, but I’m from Connecticut.)

    Me: “Hello, I’m [name]. I’ll be your server today. Can I start you off with something to drink?”

    Customer: *in a thick southern drawl* “What an unusual accent! Where are you from?”

    Me: “I’m from New England.”

    Customer: “How lovely! I’ve always wanted to go to Europe!”

    Chip Quip

    , | NM, USA | Food & Drink, Geography, Language & Words

    (I’ve recently moved to the USA from England, and have got myself a job in a fast food place. I keep saying chips instead of fries, which causes confusion.)

    Me: *to coworker* “Can I get two medium chips to go please?”

    Customer: “No, I wanted fries.”

    Me: “Oh yeah, my bad. I’m still not used to talking American.”

    Customer: “So where you from? Mexico?”

    (I have tanned skin, so this is a common question.)

    Me: “No mate, I’m British.”

    Customer: “Oh, I see. So you’re not used to speaking English?”

    Me: “What? Us Brits speak English too; we invented the language.”

    Customer: “Oh sweetie, don’t worry! You’ll learn real English in America.”

    Me: “Okay.” *I decide to throw in a British colloquialism* “Here’s your order. Have a pukka day!”

    Customer: “See, I knew you British didn’t speak English.”

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