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    Category: Language & Words

    This category features customers whose mishandling of vocabulary and grammar are so bad that we literally have no words to describe them!

    Needs To Find A New Post

    | UK | Extra Stupid, Health & Body, Language & Words

    Customer: “Excuse me. I’m looking for [brand] aftershave lotion, but you don’t seem to have any!”

    Me: “Did you look in the [brand] section? I think they do a few different ones actually. I’ll show you now.”

    (I walk him to the section and show him a few.)

    Me: “So, you’ve got this one, for sensitive skin, and this one is—”

    Customer: “This isn’t AFTER shave! It says right here: ‘POST Shave Balm!”

    Me: “Erm, actually ‘post’ means ‘after.’”

    Customer: “…What do they pay you here?”

    Me: “Around [salary] per hour.”

    Customer: “Well, you deserve every penny of it! You’re a smart girl!” *mutters as he walks off* “Who knew that ‘post’ meant ‘after’…”

    Death Goes Shopping

    | Sydney, NSW, Australia | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests, Language & Words, Top

    (I am working behind the register on my first ever day of employment. It is also a particularly busy day. I am finalizing the purchase and handing the customer her bag…)

    Me: “Thank you for shopping at [Store]; have a nice day!”

    (The customer snaps her head up, gasping, while simultaneously dropping her bag of goods to the floor.)

    Customer:What did you say?”

    Me: “I thanked you for shopping here, and told you to have a good d—”

    Customer: “I know what you said! You told me to have a good DEATH!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I can assure you that I did not say anything of the kind.”

    Customer: “You DID! You DID and it’s YOU that should be dying, YOU B****! I can assure you that I’ll be taking this further!”

    (There is an unimpressed looking customer next in line.)

    Next Customer: “Lady, pick up your s*** and get out of here, or I’ll kill you myself.”

    Following Instructions In A Manner Of Speaking

    | Albuquerque, NM, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Language & Words, Technology

    (I am finishing ringing up a sale for a customer. The final step on the signature pad is to confirm the transaction total.)

    Me: “Okay, sir, just say ‘yes’ to confirm the total on the signature pad and I’ll get you your receipt.”

    (The screen on the pad has two buttons: one reading ‘yes’ and one reading ‘no.’ The customer leans down with his mouth close to the pad and shouts…)

    Customer: “YES!”

    Doesn’t Know When To Finnish

    | Canada | Crazy Requests, Language & Words, Rude & Risque

    (I’m teaching myself Finnish by talking to a friend over texts and by reading the newspaper clippings she sends me every now and then. It takes me a long time to read them, because I’m just beginning, so I do it in a library with a notebook to jot down notes. An elderly woman comes up while I am in the middle of getting my clippings, notebook, and pen out.)

    Woman: “Oh! What are you doing there? Learning Arabic or something?”

    (I look down at the very obviously not-Arabic text.)

    Me: “Nope, actually Finnish.”

    Woman: “What?”

    Me: “Finnish? Suomi?”

    Woman: *annoyed* “Are you telling me you don’t want to talk to me?”

    Me: “No, miss, I’m just saying that I’m teaching myself Finnish, the language from Finland.”

    Woman: *finally clicks* “Oh! I’m so sorry! I keep sticking my foot in it!”

    Me: “Not a problem, ma’am.”

    (I go to start working, and then I see the headline and stop.)

    Woman: “What’s the problem? You can’t do it?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, it’s just I’m not sure this story is quite appropriate.”

    (I go to turn the page, but the woman snatches the clipping away and looks at it, bewildered.)

    Woman: “Don’t be ridiculous; how hard could it be?”

    Me: “Finnish isn’t related to English, so it’s unlikely you’d be able to recognize much.”

    Woman: “You’re just faking; [you're] trying to pick up women by looking clever! I f****** hate you f****** a**-holes who think they can fool people! You’re just a f****** b****** who thinks he’s so smart! D*** f****** kids these days!”

    (The woman flings the clipping back down and storms off. I begin translating, saying it as I write just loud enough for her to hear.)

    Me: “HORNY BEARS TORMENTING PEOPLE…”

    Spelling Bee Bee Cee

    | UK | Extra Stupid, Language & Words, Technology

    (The customer has issues with accessing the internet and getting the standard ‘Internet Explorer cannot display this webpage’ error message. After doing various checks it turns out to just be a simple reset that is needed. We normally check it by asking the customer to try going to various web pages.)

    Me: “So we’ve got Google up on the screen. That’s great. Okay, I want you to try going to BBC’s webpage now.”

    Customer: “What website?”

    Me: “Er, the address is www.bbc.co.uk.”

    Customer: “How do you spell that?”

    Me: “Which part? ‘co?’”

    Customer: “BBC.”

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