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    Category: Language & Words

    This category features customers whose mishandling of vocabulary and grammar are so bad that we literally have no words to describe them!

    Not What They Claim To Be

    | Adelaide, SA, Australia | Extra Stupid, Language & Words

    Me: “Welcome to the [Insurance Company]. You’re speaking with [My Name].”

    Caller: “Oh, hi. I don’t have my policy number or anything, but I have my name and address and I need to ask some questions.”

    (Usually if they need to ask questions it’s for a claim.)

    Me: “That’s fine. Is this for a claim?”

    Caller: “Oh, no. It’s just a few questions about my policy.”

    (I proceed to find her on the system.)

    Me: “Okay, so this is for your home insurance policy. What can I help you with?”

    Caller: “Okay. Well, a lil’ while ago a few tree limbs and branches fell on my house and I took out a claim and I wanted to know how it’s going?”

    Me: “… Let me transfer you to claims.”

    See Her In Her Cah

    | Lafeyette, LA, USA | At The Checkout, Language & Words

    (I’m ringing up a man and a woman. The woman is wearing a shirt and a couple of rubber bracelets that reference running in Boston.)

    Me: *indicating her shirt* “You from up north?”

    Woman: “Hmm? Oh, no. That was just a run I was in.”

    Me: “Ah. I used to live about an hour out of Boston.”

    (I finish ringing them up and hand the woman her change.)

    Man: “You don’t sound like you’re from Boston.”

    Me: “Well, I pick up accents pretty quick, and I’ve been in Louisiana for a year, so I guess I wouldn’t sound much like I’m from Boston anymore.”

    Man: “I mean, you’re polite.”

    Me: *laughing* “You haven’t seen me in the car!”

    Getting A Man-Handle On Your Words

    | Flagstaff, AZ, USA | At The Checkout, Food & Drink, Language & Words, Rude & Risque

    (I am a woman, and I am cashiering at a grocery store that is conducting a charitable fund drive. I am packing a chatty man’s groceries into his backpack.)

    Man: “Look at how you just get that all in there! You’re really man-handling that stuff!”

    Me: *packing the last two things, which are pieces of fruit* “Oh, but I don’t want to man-handle your peaches.”

    Man: “I don’t want to man-handle your peaches.”

    (I splutter and stare at this, torn between outrage and hilarity.)

    Man: “I’m sorry.” *as if to himself* “Get your mind out of the gutter.”

    Me: “To make it up to me, you will donate to our fundraiser.”

    Man: “Deal.”

    Came To Within An Inch Of Getting It Right

    , | PA, USA | Food & Drink, Language & Words, Rude & Risque

    (After working late shifts at the local discount retailer, I pull into a fast-food drive thru.)

    Drive Thru Worker: “Welcome to [Restaurant]. May I take your order?”

    Me: “Hi, I’d like a six-inch nugget, please.”

    (There are a couple seconds of silence, and then I hear the speaker turn on and I hear some laughter and giggles in the background.)

    Drive Thru Worker: *barely able to speak without giggling* “Uh… Could you repeat your order?”

    Me: “I’d like a six-inch nug— OH, MY GOD! No! I want a SIX-PIECE nugget!”

    (I complete my order and pull around to see the worker and two of his coworkers red-faced and trying to contain their laughter. In the mean time, I’m no better; my face was red with embarrassment. I pay and get my food, and I couldn’t have gotten out of that queue fast enough! I guess I subconsciously wanted to go to the sub shop that night.)

    Close, But No Cigar

    | Reno, NV, USA | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests, Language & Words

    (I work at the front counter of a chain store, and am responsible for all tobacco sales during my shift. A customer comes up to the counter and waves a $20 bill at me.)

    Customer: “[Brand].”

    Me: “Sure. What kind?”

    Customer: “[Brand]!”

    Me: “Sir, I have a lot of different kinds of [Brand]. Which one do you want?”

    Customer: *getting annoyed* “[Brand]!”

    Me: “Short or long?”

    (There is a long pause.)

    Me: “Sir?”

    Customer: “[Brand]!”

    (I point at the cigarettes at the top left corner and slowly slide my finger along the 12-foot display. I repeat this for every shelf until the customer finally speaks.)

    Customer: *excitedly* “Finally! [Brand]!”

    (I ring up his cigarettes and the customer leaves.)

    Manager: “Does he even speak English?”

    Me: “He did yesterday!”

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