• Retract The Tract
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    Category: Language & Words

    This category features customers whose mishandling of vocabulary and grammar are so bad that we literally have no words to describe them!

    Her Lips Are Sealed And Waterproof

    | WA, USA | Language & Words, Rude & Risque

    (I am shopping for shelf brackets at a hardware store and I overhear this conversation between a nervous-looking woman and an apron-clad store assistant.)

    Woman: “Yes, hi, I need to replace the edges of my bathtub. Could you tell me which aisle has those?”

    Assistant: “Well, we have bathroom units and tub liners that cover your bath and give it a new surface. I can show you where those are, if you’d like.”

    Customer: “No, no, no. I don’t want a new bathtub. I just need to… there are some cracks and old spots around the edges that I just need to, um, reseal.”

    Assistant: “Oh, well if you want to touch up cracks or worn places in the finish, I’d really suggest having a professional come look at it. We have the primer and finish here, but it’s not the easiest job for one person.”

    Woman: *visibly flustered and fidgeting with her pocketbook* “No, it’s not the paint that needs to be fixed; it’s the edges near the wall. I need to seal them so I don’t get mold in the walls.”

    Assistant: *I see his brow furrow as I sneak a peek at the odd conversation* “So something to waterproof the inside edges? Do you mean caulk?”

    Woman: *turns an alarmingly bright red and stares at him for a few seconds with wide eyes before whispering* “Yes, that.”

    Assistant: *looking amused, but stays professional* “No problem, ma’am, the waterproofing sealant is this way. In fact, we have some products that prevent mildew, so you don’t have to worry about your walls.”

    (They walk off and I giggle to myself. The poor woman, around fifty years old but still too embarrassed to say ‘caulk’!)

    Can’t Be Possible

    | USA | Language & Words

    (During a call with an irate customer.)

    Customer: “Don’t you know you can’t use the word ‘can’t’ in customer service?”

    Me: “Okay, then, it’s not possible.”

    Customer: *expletives*

    A Big Gap In Their Knowledge

    | Brisbane, QLD, Australia | Food & Drink, Language & Words

    Me: “Hi—”

    Customer: *cuts in* “Hey, I see a couple outside eating this thing. I don’t know what’s the name of it.”

    Me: “Um… could you please describe it to me?”

    Customer: “I don’t know how to describe it, it’s a… it’s a big thing.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “I want it!”

    Me: “…”

    ‘A’ As In Awesome

    | CO, USA | Awesome Customers, Language & Words

    (I work in tech support, and am asking a caller his username. All is normal until…)

    Caller: “That’s R as in Raygun, Z as in zombie…”

    (I didn’t know what to say! Thank you caller for making my day!)

    Not A People Person

    | KS, USA | Bad Behavior, Language & Words

    (I work at a popular retail chain where a new assistant manager is focusing on getting the store and its associates to adhere more strongly to its policies. A customer comes to my computer to pick up an order he had sent from site to store.)

    Me: “Alright… looks like it’s here. I just need to get in touch with electronics so they can bring it up.”

    Customer: “…it’s not here?”

    Me: “It is! We just don’t have room to keep all the site-to-store items at the service desk, so we keep them in the backroom, where electronics brings it up since they’re the closest department to where it’s being kept.”

    Customer: “Whatever.”

    (My manager and I are furiously attempting to bring down the lines at the service desk. I have called up electronics and they are looking for the site-to-store customer’s item. About a minute passes after that call before the customer comes storming back up to the desk. He approaches the manager this time.)

    Customer: “Okay, what the f***?! My item should be here! Why isn’t it up here! What the F*** is going on!?”

    Manager: “You can leave the store.”

    Customer: “What about my ITEM, huh? I paid for that!”

    Manager: “I’ll refund it to you, and then you can just leave. We ARE people, you know.”

    Customer: *calms down, then looks at the ground* “…I only cussed a few times.”

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