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  • Category: Language & Words

    This category features customers whose mishandling of vocabulary and grammar are so bad that we literally have no words to describe them!

    Always Time For A Rhyme

    | UK | Awesome Customers, Awesome Workers, Language & Words

    (Our county council has online web-forms for people to get in touch.)

    Customer Email:

    “The winds outside blew and blew
    and my bin lid verily flew
    in a lickety split
    I emailed you quick
    to request a brand new one from you”

    (Since the customer did not tell us whether it was her recycling or refuse bin that broke in the weather I have to contact her back. It is the first time I have EVER received a request in limerick form, so I decide to phone the lady. Unfortunately, it goes to voicemail.)

    Me: *to the voicemail*

    “The council received your request
    but you leave us a little perplexed
    Amidst rhyming hype
    forgot ye the type
    of the bin-lid you meant to suggest”

    Suffering From A Vowel Movement

    | MN, USA | Extra Stupid, Geography, Language & Words

    (The grocery store I work in has a week every summer in which we put Hawaiian-esque foods on sale, such as tuna, pineapples, spam, pork, coconuts, etc. Neighborhood luaus are very popular in our area during the summer. We have signs proclaiming this all over the store.)

    Customer: “I need to speak to your manager right away!”

    Me: “I’m the manager. What can I help you with, ma’am?”

    Customer: “I’m an English teacher, and I’m appalled by your signs!”

    Me: “What’s wrong with them?”

    Customer: “Whoever made then doesn’t know how to spell! Don’t you people know that you can’t put four consonants in a row?”

    Me: “You mean vowels? And that is how you spell ‘Hawaiian,’ ma’am.”

    Customer: *exasperated* “God, all of you are such f****** idiots! I’m looking it up on my phone right now!”

    (She did just that, and my coworkers and I watched as she suddenly paled, ditched her cart, and left the store. We haven’t seen her back since, even though she was a regular.)

    Can’t Do ‘Without’

    | Coquitlam, BC, Canada | Food & Drink, Language & Words

    (I’ve had a lengthy day and am fairly tired as I approach the snack bar at a movie theatre. I’m thinking that I’d like popcorn without butter, but for some reason my mind has forgotten the word ‘without’ and I can only think ‘unbutter popcorn.’ I know that’s ridiculous and I’m still trying to straighten out my thoughts as the server/cashier comes up.)

    Her: “Hi there, what can I get you?”

    Me: “Oh, just butter.”

    The Only Way To Stop The Call Going Down Under

    | IA, USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Language & Words, Technology

    (I work at a well-known electronics store in the computer department.  I am at the customer service desk finishing up with another customer when the phone rings. Seeing that the customer service reps are all busy I take the call.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, I would like to speak to someone in computers.”

    Me: “I can actually help you. What questions do you have?”

    Caller: “Oh… I thought I called the customer service desk.”

    Me: “You did. I just happened to be up here and answered the phone.”

    Caller: “Well, I would really like to talk to someone in computers.”

    Me: “I do work in the computer department. I was just up here…”

    Caller: “Could you please transfer me to computers so I can talk to a computer salesman?”

    Me: “Okay… please hold.”

    (My manager is standing close by and asked what is going on. I explain the call to him and tell him I am going to go to the computer department to take the call. My manager decides to follow me since he knows my sense of humor and is sure this is only going to get better. Once in the computer department I pick up the call.)

    Me: “[Store] computers. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Aren’t you the guy I just asked to transfer me to computers?”

    Me: “Yes. I am in the computer department. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I WANT SOMEONE WHO WORKS IN COMPUTERS!”

    Me: “Sir, I do work in computers and I am fact in the computer department. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “DON’T LIE TO ME. YOU WORK IN CUSTOMER SERVICE AND I TOLD YOU I WANT TO SPEAK TO A COMPUTER SALESMAN NOW OR I WILL TAKE MY BUSINESS ELSEWHERE!”

    Me: “Okay, sir, please hold.”

    (I hang up the phone and get the grin on my face that my coworkers as well as my manager know means I’m thinking up something good. After a few seconds I pick the phone back up.)

    Me: *in an obviously fake Australian accent* “G’Day, sir! How can help you?”

    (My manager and coworkers are covering their mouths to hide their laughter.)

    Caller: “Finally. I have a question about the computer in your ad.”

    (I answered all the customers questions still with an Australian accent, and tried hard not to laugh myself. The customer thanked me and stated that he will be in later to pick up the computer. My manager told me the next day that the caller came in after my shift and asked to speak to the nice Australian man that helped on the phone. It was all he could do to keep a straight face.)

    Morons In Disguise

    | NY, USA | Extra Stupid, Language & Words, Technology

    (I work for a large cable TV company’s call center. I get a call and my customer mentions having problems with the image looking pixelated. This company gives customers a cable box to get their channels; this is the troubleshooting target.)

    Me: “Okay, I’ll be sending a signal to the box and it’ll reboot. It is possible that you see some blue screens while it does that. This completely normal.”

    Customer: “Okay.”

    (This cable boxes usually take 2 to 7 minutes to reboot. 12 minutes after…)

    Customer: “Okay, the screen went black now. Looks like it’ll restart again.”

    Me: “That won’t happen; the box is looking fine from my end. Can you please turn it on and check on the channels you had issues with?”

    Customer: “I don’t know. It looks very weird…”

    Me: “Does the channel look weird?”

    Customer: “No, the box! It has some strange symbols on it.”

    Me: “Can you describe those to me?”

    Customer: “They look like alien symbols, Transformers, like! You know? Their way of writing stuff?”

    (At this point of the evening, on a Saturday, after this long call and three energy drinks, I take a look outside the window to check I’m still on planet Earth.)

    Me: “That’s very strange. The box is only supposed to show the time. Can you check all cables in the back of the box are not loose?”

    Customer: “They’re tight! What’s going on?! What did you do?! I need my TV! Fix this NOW!”

    Me: “Can you turn on the box, from the button panel in the front of it, please? It’s the last button to the right.”

    Customer: “I pressed the button and nothing happened. The first symbol just changed and looks like a ‘G,’ but weird looking. You have to get this fixed!”

    (Another eight minutes go by trying and trying to get the box to turn on, assuming the display screen is damaged.)

    Customer: “YOU’RE USELESS! THIS WAS A WORKING BOX WITH ALL THE OTHER CHANNELS AND NOW I’VE LOST THEM ALL!”

    Me: “I’m really sorry about this, is the first time I’ve seen someth—” *brief pause*

    Customer: “HELLO!?”

    Me: “Can you please press the first button to the left?”

    Customer: “It worked! It’s on! The TV’s back! What the h*** happened?!”

    Me: “Your box was upside down.”

    Customer: “…”

    Me: “Hello?”

    Customer: *click*

    (I think Megatron abducted her…)

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