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    Category: Hotels & Lodging

    A good hotel prides itself on providing a decent service to all its guests. But when its guests are our stupid customers, there is very little they can do to remedy the situation except pray they’re fully booked the next time they come around!

    Cause And Defect

    | Indianapolis, IN, USA | Hotels & Lodging, Liars & Scammers

    Guest: “How much for one of your hotel rooms?”

    Me: *gives price*

    Guest: “How about if I only pay [another price]?”

    Me: “Sorry sir, I can’t do that. We’re almost sold out and I can’t reduce room rates when we’re almost sold out.”

    Guest: “Do you really think you’re going to sell this room anytime tonight?”

    Me: “Yes, I will. I’m the only hotel in the area with rooms left and other hotels are sending their overflow guests to me. I’ll sell this room in the next half hour.”

    Guest: “Oh come on!”

    Me: “Plus there’s a concert tonight and I’m getting a lot of concert go’ers coming in to get a room.”

    Guest: “But the concert is over! I just came from the concert myself!”

    Me: “And here you are!”

    Voodoo Or Do Not, There Is No Jedi

    | Orlando, FL, USA | Bizarre, Crazy Requests, Hotels & Lodging

    (I’m the resort coordinator and often deal with claims from guests who have had an incident.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [resort]. How may I help you today?”

    Guest: *already irate* “You can help me by filing a claim for me! I slipped and fell on your property during my vacation and I deserve compensation.”

    Me: “I’m so very sorry that happened to you. Can you please provide me with your name and the dates of your stay so I can pull the incident report?”

    (She gives me the information.)

    Me: “It seems that your stay with us occurred in 2007, almost three years ago. The report says you didn’t want to file a claim at the time. May I ask why you’re just now contacting us?”

    Guest: “You should know! You’re the one that hired that voodoo man!”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Guest: “The security guard! The security guard who helped me up! He wiped my memory and his spell just wore off!”

    Me: “He wiped your memory?”

    Guest: “That’s what I just said, you idiot! Wiped it clean so I wouldn’t sue you people!”

    Me: “He wiped your memory? Like a Jedi?”

    Guest: “Yes! A Jedi! Now you understand why I have to deal with this now! That voodoo man is evil!”

    When (Not) In Rome

    | Boston, MA, USA | Hotels & Lodging, Language & Words, Tourists/Travel

    Me: “Thanks for calling [executive car company]. How can I help you?”

    Caller:“I need to make a reservation.”

    Me: “Sure where is the pick up?”

    Caller: “A hotel called the George V?” *she pronounces it like the letter ‘V’* “It’s in Paris, France.”

    Me: “Okay.”

    Caller: “Oh, wait. It’s called the hotel five!”

    Me: “That makes sense, since the V must be a roman numeral.”

    Caller: “Yeah, V must mean 5 in French. It was confusing to me and you because we are English.”

    Me: “Haha, yeah. That must be it…”

    Can’t Keep Up With The Joneses

    | Annapolis, MD, USA | Hotels & Lodging, Liars & Scammers

    Customer: “I want to look at my final bill.”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. Your room number?”

    Customer: *already angry by the question* “331!”

    Me: *looking at the name on the room* “331. Ms. Jones?”

    Customer: “Yeah! What’s the charge?”

    Me: “It’s $434.67.”

    Customer: “What! That’s insane! What did you people do? It should only be a hundred dollars!”

    Me: “Your bill shows a number of movie charges and quite a few items from our market here. It is 331, right, Ms. Jones?”

    Customer: “That’s insane! What did you do?! I knew this was going to happen! I knew you were going to try and cheat us and we wouldn’t know it till we got home!  I read on the internet that hotels always do this! Print that bill up right now! I’m going to sue you with it!”

    Me: “I’m sorry about  the confusion, Ms. Jones. Here’s your bill.  Let me get my manager so we can look over this and figure out the problem.”

    (As my manager approaches, she grabs the bill out of my hand so hard she tears part of it.)

    Me: “Here you are, Ms. Jones. And here’s my manager.”

    Customer: *looking at bill* “This isn’t me!”

    Me: “You are not Ms. Jones, in 331?”

    Customer: “No! What is wrong with you?!” *turning to my manager* “Why do you let idiots work here?!”

    Manager: “Ma’am, what is your last name?”

    (The customer rattles off a long, hyphenated name that could not be further from Jones if she tried.)

    Manager: “Then I have to ask why, when my employee asked you if you were Ms. Jones, did you say yes?”

    Customer: “I don’t get paid to know who I am!”

    Unable To Order, Drunken Disorder

    | Alberta, Canada | Hotels & Lodging

    Me: “Hi, what can I do for you this evening?”

    Customer: *visibly intoxicated* “I need a room.”

    (After arguing with her for a good ten minutes about the cost per night, the customer settles on a standard room. A few hours later, she calls.)

    Me: “Front desk.”

    Customer: “My phone isn’t working.”

    Me: “Are you sure?”

    Customer: “Girl I am sure! My phone is not working.”

    Me: “Is it not working when you are trying to dial out? Make sure you’re pressing ’9′ before you dial the number you’re trying to reach.”

    Customer: “No, I know that! I read that. It’s not working. No dial tone, nothing.”

    Me: “Ma’am, aren’t you calling me from the room phone?”

    *Silence for a moment.*

    Customer: “While I’ve got you on here, can you order me ribs?”

    Me: “From the restaurant next door?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’m not required to do that. The number for the restaurant is in your guest directory found in the drawer of the desk in your room.”

    Customer: “But my phone isn’t working!”


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