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    Category: Hotels & Lodging

    A good hotel prides itself on providing a decent service to all its guests. But when its guests are our stupid customers, there is very little they can do to remedy the situation except pray they’re fully booked the next time they come around!

    Hot Tub Size Machine

    | Orlando, FL, USA | Family & Kids, Hotels & Lodging, Top

    (I work as a lifeguard at a swimming pool in a hotel. On the pool deck, we also have a large hot tub. As a rule, kids aren’t allowed in the tub for more than 15 minutes due to health hazards. I notice a kid, no older than six, who has been in the tub longer than 15 minutes.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, young man, but you are going to have to get out of the hot tub now.”

    Kid: “No!”

    Kid’s Mom: “Sweety, you need to come back in the pool now. The nice lady said that you had to get out.”

    Kid: “I don’t wanna!”

    (His mom gives me this lost, “no clue what to do” look.)

    Me: “Hey, I know you are a big, strong, tough guy and all, and you can probably handle a lot worse than me. However, I gotta tell you: the thing about these hot tubs is that they stunt your growth.”

    Kid: *worried* “What does that mean?”

    Me: “It means that you shrink. I remember when I was your age, I hung out in a hot tub for twenty minutes, and I shrank to the size of a Barbie doll. Never did grow back to my original size, either.”

    (The kid looks more than a little worried now, but obviously still doesn’t want to get out.)

    Me: “…And to be honest, you look a little smaller than you did when you first got in.”

    (I have never seen someone get out of a hot tub so fast in my life.)

    The Diva Is Always Right

    | Phoenix, AZ, USA | Bizarre, Hotels & Lodging

    (At the hotel where I work, we’ve had an influx of stolen credit cards and IDs recently. So, my manager is very strict about only allowing valid state issued ID. A guest calls in one night.)

    Guest: “I’m over here at [another hotel chain]. I just flew in from Spain, but my purse got stolen and this jacka*** won’t let me get a room! I don’t mean to brag, but I’m a millionaire. Can I check in at your hotel instead?”

    Me: “Not without a valid state issued ID, ma’am.”

    Guest: “Oh, so I guess I’m going to have to buy your hotel as well?! You’d better watch out, b****, because I’m going to buy your hotel! You’ve just pissed off THE DIVA! You’ve just been DIVAFIED!” *hangs up*

    The DST Fairy Bids Thee Good Morning

    | Grapevine, TX, USA | Hotels & Lodging, Math & Science

    (I am working in guest care at a hotel. It’s the morning after “springing forward”, and a guest calls down to ask the time.)

    Guest: “What’s the current local time?”

    Me: “It is 7:45 AM.”

    Guest: “Then why does my clock say that time already? Did you send a maid into my room while I was sleeping to set my clock forward?! That is just unacceptable!”

    Me: “Sir, the rooms all have atomic clocks that are automatically set by satellite signal.”

    Guest: *click*

    Checking Out On Capitalism

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA | Hotels & Lodging, Money

    (This is graduation week for the college that is a couple blocks away, so our rates are higher than they usually are for this week. Our rates are about 30 dollars less than the average rate of next closest hotel to campus.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [hotel]. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yeah, I would like a room with two beds for May 11th-14th.”

    Me: “Sure, that will be $119 plus tax per night.”

    Caller: “What?! That’s ridiculous! I stayed there last month, and it was only $79!”

    Me: “Well, our rates do fluctuate based on what is going in the area. Supply and demand, you know?”

    Caller: “What do you mean?”

    Me: “Well, more people want hotel rooms, so the price goes up. That’s how businesses make money.”

    Caller: “But you’re a hotel, not a business! I refuse to stay at a place where you jack up the rates to screw people over!” *hangs up*

    Less Than Or Equal To Dumb

    | Portland, OR, USA | Hotels & Lodging, Math & Science

    Guest: “We have a party of six. Will that fit in your hotel’s van?”

    Me: “Well, our hotel van has room for eleven.”

    Guest: *blank stare*

    Me: “So, your party of six will fit.”

    Guest: “Oh! Good.”


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