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    Category: Hotels & Lodging

    A good hotel prides itself on providing a decent service to all its guests. But when its guests are our stupid customers, there is very little they can do to remedy the situation except pray they’re fully booked the next time they come around!

    How To Cancel Death

    | USA | Family & Kids, Hotels & Lodging, Liars & Scammers

    (I work guest relations for a large hotel chain. One of my duties is to cancel advanced purchase reservations, which have a non-refundable clause.)

    Me: “Guest relations, my name is [name]; how may I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, I want to cancel my reservation.”

    Me: “What is the confirmation number?”

    (I pull up the account, and run the customer’s membership club information for case history.)

    Caller: “Yes. My wife died suddenly, so I cannot make this reservation.”

    Me: “I’m terribly sorry to hear about your loss, sir. Let me see what I can do for you. Since this is an advanced purchase, we would need a copy of your wife’s death certificate to verify her passing. I’m so sorry to ask for this.”

    Caller: “It will be after the funeral that I can get that to you, but that is after the 24th.”

    (The reservation is for the 24th this month.)

    Me: “I see. May I place you on hold for a moment while I look into some options with the hotel?”

    (After placing him on hold, I review past case history, noticing a lot of cancellations of advanced purchases. One thing seems common. They’re all for wives. All fairly recent, as well.)

    Me: “Sir? Yes, thank you for holding. Sir, how many wives do you have?”

    Caller: “WHAT!? WHY WOULD YOU ASK ME SUCH A QUESTION!? WHY WOULD YOU DISHONOR MY WIFE!?”

    Me: “Well, you see, in looking up your membership information, I see that in the last six months you have cancelled eight advance purchase reservations, all of them stating your wife passed away. So how many wives do you have?”

    Caller: “This is absurd! I want your manager!”

    Me: “I am a case manager, sir, and I am not going to cancel this reservation, nor ask the hotel to honor a cancellation without you providing a death certificate. If she really has passed, then I certainly apologize and am very sorry for the loss, but unless you have been remarried seven times in the last six months, your wife has either passed away previously, and not suddenly as you claimed. Would you like our mailing address so that you can send in a copy of the death certificate?”

    Caller: *hangs up*

    No Room For Negotiation

    | USA | Crazy Requests, Hotels & Lodging

    (My hotel is the only one near a very busy pavilion. During concert season, we book up solid.)

    Me: “Hello. May I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, I need a room.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but we have no more.”

    Caller: “WHAT! You’re lying.”

    Me: “I’m not.”

    Caller: “Yes, you are. You have rooms left. Aren’t you still waiting on people to show up?”

    Me: “Yes…”

    Caller: “Well then, give me their room! I’m here, and they’re not!”

    Me: “I can’t.”

    Caller: “WHY NOT!”

    Me: “Because they’ve reserved that room. I have to hold it for a few more hours. If they still don’t show until then, you may have it.”

    Caller: “That’s stupid! You’re just being mean!”

    Me: “No, what’s ‘mean’ is if I gave you their room that they booked. How would you like it if I gave one of your rooms that you booked?”

    Caller: *blank stare*

    Me: “Exactly…”

    Caller: “You just lost some money!” *storms off*

    (The reservation did show, so we didn’t.)

    Weekly Roundup: Hotels & Lodging

    | Not Always Right | Hotels & Lodging, Roundups

    Weekly Roundup: Hotels & Lodging! In this week’s roundup, we share five stories about hotel & motel customers!

    1. Smoking Rate Gets Smokers Irate (2,101 thumbs up)
    2. Unable To Order, Drunken Disorder (1,959 thumbs up)
    3. Can’t Keep Up With The Joneses (4,248 thumbs up)
    4. When (Not) In Rome (1,940 thumbs up)
    5. Voodoo Or Do Not, There Is No Jedi (2,813 thumbs up)

    PS #1: check out our Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news!

    PS #2: Read more roundups here!

    Not A Fan Of The Fan

    | CA, USA | Hotels & Lodging

    (I am working the front desk at my hotel, when one of the guests comes up.)

    Me: “Good morning! Do you need to check out?”

    Customer: “Yes, but I want to complain.”

    Me: “Oh, dear. What seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “Well, the fan in the bathroom is very loud, and it kept me up all night!”

    Me: “It did? I’ll leave a note for maintenance. That’s strange, though. It wouldn’t turn off at all?”

    Customer: “No! I thought it was on a timer or something, but it just kept running all night long!”

    Me: “That’s very odd. Was it running when you entered the room?”

    Customer: “No, it turned on when I… flipped… the…” *blinks a bit in realization* “Oh! Well, poop!”

    Me: “…turned on the light in the bathroom?”

    Customer: “Yup. Sorry to bother you!”

    Straight-Talking Travel Agency

    | Tel Aviv, Israel | Hotels & Lodging, Top, Tourists/Travel

    Me: “Hello, this is [travel agency]; how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hello. I bought a tour to Prague from you a while ago, and yesterday I googled the hotel and… uh…”

    Me: “Yes?…”

    Customer: “Well, there’s lots of reviews online saying that the hotel is favored by homosexuals and lesbians.”

    Me: “Really?”

    Customer: “Yes. I’d like a different hotel, if you don’t mind.”

    Me: “Are you sure? It could be fun!”

    Customer: *laughing* “I’m not sure about that. I’m coming there with my wife, you know.”

    Me: “Think about it. You’re going abroad for an exotic experience. Why not go all the way and choose a hotel with a difference?”

    Customer: “I still think I’d be uncomfortable there. I have nothing against gay people, but still—”

    Me: “There’s no reason you should be uncomfortable… Unless, of course, you’re having certain doubts…”

    Customer: “No doubts, thank you. But how do I explain it to my wife?”

    Me: “Just tell her that if she doesn’t behave herself, you’ll leave her for another man.”

    Customer: *laughing hard* “Sold!”

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