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  • The True Appliance Of Science
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    Category: Home Improvement

    Stupid customers still have to live somewhere. While we applaud them for sometimes wanting to make the place look nice, please don’t assume flat-pack furniture comes ready out of the box, or that power-tools are named as such because they need power! They make Tim The Toolman Taylor look like Frank Gehry!

    Out Of The Frying Pan…

    | SA, Australia | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Home Improvement

    (A customer is browsing our sale frying pans, which are gift boxed. On top of the pile of boxes is a frying pan that has been taken out so customers don’t keep opening new boxes to look at them.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, are any of these out on display? I don’t want to buy one if I don’t know what it looks like.”

    Me: “Yep, there’s this one right here.”

    Customer: “Oh, I didn’t think it was the same one. It looks different to the one in the picture. The one in the picture has vegetables in it.”

    (I laugh politely, thinking it’s a joke.)

    Customer: “So, are there vegetables in the box?”

    Me: “Um… no. It’s just a frying pan, and a glass lid. If there was food in there, it would go off.”

    (The customer continues browsing, while I am called away to help someone else. As I am passing back by the first customer, I notice he is roughly pulling a new frying pan out of the gift box, tearing it up.)

    Me: “Uh, do you need some help here?”

    Customer: “I just wanted to see what this frying pan looks like before I buy it.”

    Me: “It’s exactly the same as the one on display. We put that out so everyone can see what it looks like. That way, people will stop pulling new stock out of boxes and wrecking them.”

    Customer: “I know, but I want to see what this one looks like. Yes, this should be fine. Oh, but the box is all torn up. Can you give me a discount for that?”

    Not Painting A Pretty Picture Of Himself

    | BC, Canada | Bigotry, Home Improvement, Theme Of The Month

    (Note: I am female.)

    Me: “Hi there! Is there anything I can give you a hand with?”

    Customer: “Yes, can I speak with your boss?”

    (He points to my coworker, who is a middle-aged gentleman. He has worked here longer than me, but he is not my boss. My coworker hears the customer, comes over, and pats my shoulder.)

    Coworker: “She’s the boss.”

    (The customer is suddenly outraged.)

    Customer: “How dare you! A woman in a hardware store! This blonde b**** probably doesn’t even know the first thing about paint!I want to talk to a man about man stuff!”

    Coworker: “Actually, she used to paint houses professionally before she went to college, and has more experience than anyone in this store when it comes to color theory and technique. She’s also assisted in completely gutting three houses and rebuilding them. That’s more than I could say I, or most of the men in this store, have done themselves.”

    Customer:Lies! Girls don’t f****** know anything about this s***! You’re a f****** liar!” *storms off*

    Knot Possible

    | Oshawa, ON, Canada | Crazy Requests, Home Improvement

    (I work in the lumber department of my store. I spot an older customer, studying our 2×4 lumber. She looks very sour.)

    Me: “Hi there, ma’am. Can I help you with anything?”

    Customer: “Yes, I need a 2×4, but I don’t want one with knots.”

    Me: “Well, that’s going to be tricky with these. Just about every one that I’ve ever seen has a least a few knots here and there.”

    Customer: “No, I need one with no knots. I’m working on a project and if there are knots, the wood will break.”

    Me: “Well, I have some pieces of pine select; no knots in them at all!”

    Customer: “Oh, I looked at those. They’re too expensive; I’m on a pension you know. What about that one up there? It looks clean.”

    (The customer points to a fresh lift of lumber, and it indeed looks clean, but the home is full.)

    Me: “Well, ma’am, I’m willing to bet that they’ll have just as many knots as this lift.”

    Customer: “Show me!”

    (I begin the process of getting a driver, and pulling down the lift. Due to the fact that I have to close down the main lumber aisle to due so, two assistant managers are watching me. As they watch, I open the lift and start sorting through the pieces, showing the older lady that they all have knots in them.)

    Customer: “This is ridiculous!”

    (After she leaves, one of the managers walks over to me.)

    Manager: “What was wrong with the wood?”

    Me: “She didn’t want any knots in her 2×4.”

    Manager: “Yeah, find a tree without branches and we’ll give her a 2×4 without knots.”

    Invoking Blind Fury

    | Culpeper, VA, USA | Health & Body, Home Improvement, Wild & Unruly

    (I’m working in the area of the store where we have patio furniture and the like. Per my standard style, my hair is pulled up but my long bangs are heavily covering my left eye. I’m helping a little old lady with some patio cushions.)

    Me: “Yes, this style will fit your furniture. It’s UV-stable, so if it’s out for a long time it won’t damage, crack, or fade too quickly.”

    Lady: “Oh, thank you so much! You’ve been just so helpful. Why, it’s so difficult to get straight answers sometimes; everyone’s always in such a hurry!”

    (The customer starts rambling a bit, as older ladies sometimes do. I’m used to this behavior, so I tune out just a bit, and consider when I should take my next break. Suddenly I see the customer reach towards my face, and I tune back in immediately.)

    Lady: “Young people nowadays just don’t know anything! Look at you! Get that hair out of your face! If you leave your hair in your eye like that, you’ll go cross-eyed!”

    (The customer has her hands on my face, and is physically pushing my hair out of my eye. As we’re not allowed to touch customers no matter what, I simply back up. The customer gets aggravated.)

    Lady: “Now come here missy, and stop being so disrespectful!”

    Me: “Ma’am, let me stop you right there. I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t touch me again. Second, if you will let me move my own hair out of the way, you will see that my left eye is severely crossed. I was born with significant strabismus, and can’t see out of that eye. I have never been able to see out of it. I usually have my hair covering my left eye because it often disturbs customers, and they don’t know which eye to look at. So, I don’t think your advice has much weight here, does it?”

    Lady: “Well… you should consider yourself lucky! My niece was born with a cataract! Humph!”

    (The lady walks away, not buying a single thing I have spent twenty minutes helping her pick out. I sigh, put my hair back in place, and decide yes, this is a great time for a break.)

    A Garden Needs A Good Offence

    | NJ, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Home Improvement

    Customer: “Excuse me, I have a ques—oh.”

    (She folds her arms, and eyes me critically.)

    Me: “Yes?”

    Customer: “Well, I doubt you would know. You look awfully young.”

    (I am 21, but look younger.)

    Me: “I’m older than I look. What can I help you with?”

    Customer: “No, I really don’t think you would know. You look like a d*** little kid!”

    (I raise my eyebrows and stare at her.)

    Customer: “I guess that was a little rude, huh.”

    Me: “More than a little. Can I help you?”

    Customer: “Like I said, I doubt it. I like that pink plant over there, but I don’t know anything about it.”

    (I rattle off the plant’s name, sun preference, average height and width, and how often to water and fertilize it.)

    Customer: “Huh! You did know all about it! I just seem to keep offending people today; every time I open my mouth!”

    Me: “Maybe try keeping it shut.”


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