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    Category: Home Improvement

    Stupid customers still have to live somewhere. While we applaud them for sometimes wanting to make the place look nice, please don’t assume flat-pack furniture comes ready out of the box, or that power-tools are named as such because they need power! They make Tim The Toolman Taylor look like Frank Gehry!

    It Will Be All Right Angled On The Night

    | Montreal, QC, Canada | Home Improvement

    (I had dealt with this customer three hours before this phone call to make an 16×20 frame. I’ve given them a copy of the bill so they can see all the information.)

    Customer: “I think the girl who did my order made a mistake! I think she wrote the sizes in backwards.”

    Me: “Backwards? Did she write 61×02?”

    Customer: “No. Were it says ‘width’ she wrote 20, but the width is 16!

    Me: “Did she write 16 as the height ma’am?”

    Customer: “Yes! But that means the frame will be longer than wide.”

    Me: “The frame looks the same on all sides ma’am. 20×16 and 16×20 are the same size. All they’ll have to do is turn it 90 degrees.”

    Customer: “They’re smart enough to do that?”

    Some Assembly And Intelligence Required

    | Ottawa, ON, Canada | Extra Stupid, Home Improvement

    Me: “Hello, thanks for calling [home improvement store]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, I just had my shed delivered this morning and you people sent me the wrong size.”

    Me: “Okay, just let me pull up your order here and see what may have gone wrong.”

    Customer: “I don’t know how you people could have messed this up, I clearly ordered a 6×6 shed and I just measured the one you delivered and its clearly only 4×6.”

    Me: “Okay, sir. Well, the type of shed we delivered only comes in a 6×6 model. Did you happen to have any parts left over when you finished building it?”

    Customer: “Oh, well I haven’t actually built it yet. But I’ve measured the crate it comes in and it only measure 4×6.”

    Me: “Sir, what does the label on the crate say?”

    Customer: “It says 6×6. But I measured it and it’s only 4×6!”

    Taking A Leap (Year) From The Truth

    | Rothschild, WI, USA | Home Improvement, Money

    Customer: “I bought this heat gun a month and a half ago. I don’t have a receipt. I just want an exchange.”

    Me: “You bought this a month and a half ago? About early June?”

    Customer: “Yes. I just want an exchange.”

    Me: *double checks computer* “Sir, we discontinued this almost a year ago. We sold our last one this past October.”

    Customer: “Maybe it was a little longer than a month and a half…”

    When Non-Stick Causes Friction

    | New York, NY, USA | Home Improvement

    (A customer approaches me with a pan from one of our non-stick cookware sets.)

    Customer: “I need some pots and pans for our new house. However, I’ve heard this Teflon coating can release toxic chemicals into your food.”

    Me: “Actually, our vendors did away with Teflon years ago and now use a new, much safer variety of non-stick. What you’re holding in fact would really only present a problem if you were to deliberately damage the cooking surface, say by going at it with a hammer and chisel.”

    Customer: “Oh, well I’ll take two sets then.”

    (Several days pass, and the customer comes back and dumps everything he’s bought on my counter.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, I know this isn’t really your fault, but I tried using these and the food tastes really funny–like there are still chemicals being leaked into it. I think you’ve been told some dirty lies by your vendors.”

    (I take several of the pans out, and find they all have now have either a small ‘D’ or ‘M’ burned into their cooking surface.)

    Me: “What happened to these?”

    Customer: “Nothing, my family is insistent that we only use one set of pans dairy and the other set for meat so I made sure to label which were which.”

    Me: “Didn’t you hear what I said about damaging the cooking surface?”

    Customer: “You said that would only be dangerous if I used a hammer and chisel. So I took them to my jewelery store and did it with a laser engraver instead.”

    Avoid A Soft Touch With Bad Customers

    | Louisiana, USA | Home Improvement, Liars & Scammers

    (We sell a line of massage chairs. For two days, a man had come in, sat in one chair for 20 minutes, and left without looking at any other item. On the third day, my boss asks me to confront him.)

    Me: “Hi, sir! I’ve noticed your interest in this massage chair. Are you interested in making a purchase?”

    Customer: “Um… um… no…”

    Me: “Sir, we can’t allow you to sit in the chair for this long three days in a row if you don’t even have the slightest interest in buying it. Other customers who are interested would like to try it, too.”

    Customer: “What are you talking about, man? There isn’t anyone else here right now!  And who would pay $1,500 for a chair!?”

    Me: “Plenty of people. This is one of our most popular items.”

    Customer: “Idiots! Why would they pay for the chair when they can just come here and use it for free?!”

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