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  • Marriage Of The Undead
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  • November Theme Of The Month: I Don't Work Here!
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    Category: Holidays

    Even during the holidays, customers don’t seem to take a break. With that many extra light-bulbs around you’d think a few extra would appear above their heads?

    Young Boys Display Monstrous Behavior

    | TX, USA | Bizarre, Family & Kids, Holidays, Theme Of The Month

    (I work in a costume shop, and I see a six- or seven-year-old boy looking through the aisle.)

    Me: “Hey there, little guy! Are you looking for a costume?”

    Boy: “Yeah! I’m gonna be a clown, zombie, vampire, werewolf, monster!”

    (The mother of the boy comes around the corner.)

    Mother: “Sweetie, you can only be one, so just choose one.”

    Boy:” Okay, can I be a clown monster werewolf vampire?”

    Me: “But not a zombie?”

    Boy: “Oh yeah, and zombie!”

    Me: “How about we stick two of them together? You can be a werewolf zombie, or a clown monster, or a vampire clown, even.”

    Boy: “Ooh! I want to be a vampire clown. Can I be a vampire clown, please? I want lots of blood.”

    Mother: “Do you even have a vampire clown costume?”

    Me: “We have clown and vampire costumes separately. I’d say a clown outfit, some vampire teeth, and some blood should make the costume right.”

    Boy: “Do you have lots of blood?”

    (I point to the rack with small tubes of fake blood.)

    Me: “We only have these.”

    Boy: “No, I want lots of blood.”

    Me: “Well, I’m sure it’ll have enough—”

    Boy: *serious face* “No. I want lots of blood. I’ll just have to take yours…”

    Hoping They Were Born Yesterday

    | Houston, TX, USA | Food & Drink, Holidays, Liars & Scammers, Theme Of The Month

    (I work at a bakery franchise that specializes in bundt cakes. On loyalty customers’ birthdays, they have the opportunity to come into the store and get a free mini cake. The following exchange happens the week before Halloween over the phone.)

    Me: “Hello! Thank you for calling [Franchise Name]; how may I help you?”

    Caller: “Yeah, hi. I was just calling about the birthday bundtlet? I didn’t get one.”

    Me: “Oh, geez, sorry about that. When did you come in?”

    Caller: “I didn’t. I never got the email with the coupon on it.”

    Me: “Okay. When did you sign up for the loyalty program?”

    Caller: “Um, it was for my cousin’s birthday, so it was a while ago, and…”

    (The customer proceeds to ramble on for a minute or so, making me suspicious that she signed up after her birthday.)

    Me: “Okay, miss. If you come in with your ID, to prove that your birthday was within a week of today, I’ll check to make sure you’re on the loyalty program and get you that cake.”

    Caller: “Oh, my birthday was in August. But my husband’s birthday is in a week, so I’ll just get a bundtlet for then.”

    Me: “No, that won’t work. I’m sorry.”

    Caller: “God, I f****** hate this store. You never work with your customers!”

    5 Horrifyingly Hilarious Halloween Customer Stories

    | Not Always Right | Holidays, Theme Of The Month

    Weekly Roundup: 5 Horrifyingly Hilarious Halloween Customer Stories! In this week’s roundup, we share five Halloween-themed customer stories!

    1. Thank You For Shopping At ApocalypseMart (16,411 thumbs up)
    2. Helping The Needy (5,156 thumbs up)
    3. He Is Twice The Man (3,165 thumbs up)
    4. More Leftovers, Less Landfill (3,145 thumbs up)
    5. We Ain’t Got Jack (2,959 thumbs up)

    PS #1: check out our Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news!

    PS #2: Read more roundups here!

    Top 5 Funny Fall-Themed Stories

    | Not Always Right | Holidays, Roundups

    Weekly Roundup: Top 5 Funny Fall-Themed Stories! In this week’s roundup, we share five funny seasonal stories about fall/autumn!

    1. A Good Chance Of A Falling Out (4,082 thumbs up)
    2. A Pal-Tree Understanding Of Plants (2,171 thumbs up)
    3. Window Pains (1,106 thumbs up)
    4. Someone’s Been Pumpkin At The Gym (1,505 thumbs up)
    5. Happy PTLBOTT Day! (2,715 thumbs up)

    PS #1: check out our Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news!

    PS #2: Read more roundups here!

    He’s The Best Actor Of The Bunch

    | TN, USA | Holidays, Liars & Scammers, Theme Of The Month

    (It’s mid-September. I’m helping my parents with their haunted house by working in the concessions stand. For the past few years, a customer has gone through and come back out blackened and bruised and sues us, claiming one of our actors hit him. While he has never won a case due to lack of evidence, the trials themselves drain away anywhere from $500-$1000 of our income. We ban him the year before, but this year after, he comes back and we’re sure it’s to try his scam again. The cashier is new and doesn’t know his face, so she goes ahead and sells him a ticket. After that he walks up to the stand where my coworker and I are.)

    Customer: “Man, just starting the season, and you guys are already this busy? I bet you’ll be rich before the year is over.”

    Coworker: “Yeah… I get a feeling not as much as we should since you’re here.”

    Customer: “Aw come on; I can’t help it that your employees are all brutes and bullies. Anyway, I’m going to go ahead and go in, take care!”

    (My coworker looks ready to call security; I tap her on the shoulder and shake my head, watching as the man goes through.)

    Coworker: “Why did you do that? You know what he’s going to do.”

    (I give my best slasher smile.)

    Me: “We bought security cameras this year.”

    (Sure enough, he makes another attempt at his scam. The camera catches him goading an actor into attacking him, and when they don’t fall for it, he walks out of sight of people, but still where cameras are. He bashes his arm and head against the wall until he bruises. When he tries to sue, we let him take to us to court and show the camera footage. The case is dropped immediately, and we counter-sue him for roughly three times the cost of being taken to court, very nearly making up all the money he has scammed out of us in the years past.)

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