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    Category: History

    Customers who don’t remember history are not only doomed to repeat it, but in some of these stories, to completely rewrite it!

    There’s No Reason We Can’t Be Civil

    | Detroit, MI, USA | Awesome Customers, History, Top

    (I am a Civil War re-enactor. I am returning home from an event, still in my full Union uniform, and I make a quick stop at a major computer store. On this day people are being distracted by an angry customer who is throwing a loud fit. He is complaining that the store doesn’t carry a transmitter for his 40-year-old receiver.)

    Customer: “I’ve been shuffled from one store after another to find this part! I can’t believe you don’t carry it! You’re all just a bunch of f***ing nerds caught up in your modern computers! You’re just trying to talk me into buying a computer, but I’m not having anything to do with that!”

    Employee: “Sir, I promise you that I’m not trying to get you to buy a computer. But if you’re looking for an outdated part, we can try and find it for you online.”

    Customer: “That’s bulls***. You’ll look stuff up online, steal my credit card information and make me buy a computer! I’m on to you a**holes and the way you use your nerd skills to rip people off and spy on them! I’m not having anything to do with your modern bulls*** technology!”

    (I finally step up next to the customer and loudly speak to the employee.)

    Me: *to the employee* “I’m sorry, does this mean you can’t help me fix my telegraph?”

    (The angry customer turns and gives me a sharp look. His face flushes between surprise and confusion as he sees me in my Civil War uniform, but as he opens his mouth to continue, most everyone surrounding us starts laughing. He turns red and storms out of the store.)

    Employee: *to me* “God bless the Army of the Potomac!”

    Weekly Roundup: Historical Hijinx

    | Not Always Right | History, Roundups

    Historical Hijinx! From vampire-hunting presidents to Viking chicken nuggets, for these customers, history is a complete mystery!

    1. (Not One Of) History’s Mysteries (5,123 Thumbs Up)
      For this customer, Cowboys & Indians are as fictional as Aliens & Zombies!
    2. S.H.I.E.L.D. Me From This Stupidity (1,468 Thumbs Up)
      We wish Captain America were the real deal, but for this 45-year-old moviegoer he’s a real American hero.
    3. Being The President Sucks (2,892 Thumbs Up)
      Yes, it’s true: Abraham Lincoln had a Stake in preventing the Twilight of our democracy!
    4. Pages Of A Post-Apocalyptic Persuasion (3,196 Thumbs Up)
      We’ll all be drinking Nuka-Cola if this customer’s search for World War 3 history bears mutfruit.
    5. Little Nuggets Of Interest (2,964 Thumbs Up)
      A child gives an Irish tour guide a real “nugget” of historical Viking wisdom!

    PS #1: check out our new Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news galore!

    PS #2: Read more roundups here!

    Never Again

    | Queens, NY, USA | Awesome Customers, History, Top

    (I often go to a diner near my apartment that’s popular with bikers, who are as a rule, very courteous customers. However, the number of motorcycles out front often attracts a crowd of what the regulars call ‘wannabes’. These are people with new motorcycles and flashy tattoos that just want to show off.)

    Customer #1: *showing his friends his arm* “Look at this tat, man. Knife through the heart, and then through an eye. I wanted to show that I’m tough and all, but I wanted something new, so I asked him to add the eyeball.”

    Customer #2: “I got an eye, too. It’s on the palm of my hand. Like the monster from that maze movie.”

    Customer #3: “Aw, man. I could never get anything on my hand. That’s gotta hurt like s***.”

    Regular: *to himself* “P***y.”

    (Unfortunately, the three overhear. They jump up and surround the man.)

    Customer #2: “What, you think you’re so tough? You think your tats are so bada** , huh?”

    (This particular customer is in fact ‘so tough’. He looks old, but he’s a retired police officer.)

    Regular: “At least my tattoos have some kind of meaning to them.” *rolling up his sleeve, pointing to tattoos* “Dead kid. Took a gang off the street. Arson.”

    Customer #1: “You murdered a kid?!”

    Regular: “Nope. Showed up when somebody else did.” *rolling up his other sleeve to reveal a badge tattoo* “Because of this.”

    (Realizing he’s a former policeman, the wannabe customers recoil.)

    Customer #3: “Pig!”

    Regular: “If I still had my nightstick I’d—”

    (Suddenly, the owner’s elder mother appears.)

    Elderly Mother: “Ruhe!” *all four turn to stare at her* “Well, that’s what they used to say to us if we made a fuss about our tattoos, you know.”

    Customer #2: “You got a tattoo, lady? What is it, a ball of yarn?”

    (With that, the mother rolls up her sleeve to reveal a concentration camp tattoo.)

    Elderly Mother: “No, just a number.”

    Customer #1: “What does that even—”

    (Customer #2 suddenly realizes what the tattoo means. He immediately drops some cash on the table, grabs his wannabe friends, and heads out the door at a breakneck pace. The regular? He sits there for about ten minutes staring at his own tattoos, before finally finishing his food and leaving… but not before leaving behind a hundred dollar tip.)

    Our Faith In Humanity Is Sinking

    | Fort Nelson, BC, Canada | Extra Stupid, History, Movies & TV

    (I hear two younger girls—maybe 16 or 17—in the hallway talking right outside my office. One of the girls sees a poster on the wall that has something to do with the 100 year anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic.)

    Girl #1: “Oh, wow, it’s been 100 years since the Titanic sank. I didn’t know it had been that long.”

    Girl #2: “Really? Leonardo DiCaprio sure doesn’t look that old! He must have a lot of work done…”

    Conspiracy Weary, Part 2

    | Niagara on the Lake, ON, Canada | History, Tourists/Travel

    (The town of Niagara on the Lake is celebrating the 200th anniversary of the war of 1812 and we occasionally get tourists asking about it. This tourist has been nice and friendly up to this point.)

    Me: “Here’s your change. Have a nice day!”

    Tourist: “I have a question. What’s all this 1812 stuff about?”

    Me: “Well, 200 years ago, the United States went to war with the British in what is now Canada. Neith—”

    Tourist: “THAT NEVER HAPPENED! THAT’S A LIE!” *stomps out of the store*

    Me: *stunned*

    Related:
    Conspiracy Weary

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