Category: History

Customers who don’t remember history are not only doomed to repeat it, but in some of these stories, to completely rewrite it!

The First And True Language Of America

| Santa Fe, NM, USA | Bigotry, History, Language & Words, Top

(I’m waiting in line behind a woman speaking on her cellphone in another language. Ahead of her is a white man. After the woman hangs up, he speaks up.)

Man: “I didn’t want to say anything while you were on the phone, but you’re in America now. You need to speak English.”

Woman: “Excuse me?”

Man: *very slow* “If you want to speak Mexican, go back to Mexico. In America, we speak English.”

Woman: “Sir, I was speaking Navajo. If you want to speak English, go back to England.”

Seen One, You’ve Seen A Mall

| Washington, DC, USA | Extra Stupid, Family & Kids, History, Theme Of The Month

(I live near DC, so I am used to hearing tourists and tour groups ask very stupid questions. A group of out-of-state high-school kids are walking near me between two museums.)

Teenage Girl: “So… where are we right now, anyway?”

Teenage Boy: “In DC.”

Teenage Girl: “No, I mean, like, where in DC are we?”

Teenage Boy: “Oh, we’re on the National Mall.”

Teenage Girl: “Nuh-uh!”

Teenage Boy: “Yeah we are. Look at your map, right here.”

Teenage Girl: “No way! Are you SERIOUS?”

Teenage Boy: “Yeeeah…”

Teenage Girl: “That doesn’t make ANY sense!”

Teenage Boy: *silence*

Teenage Girl: “So, wait… you mean the National Mall isn’t, like, you know… an actual MALL?”

Teenage Boy: “Nope, but all the grass is 20% off!”

Let’s Play The Generation Blame

, | UK | Bizarre, History

(I am in the fitting rooms. An older customer is waiting for his grand-daughter to try on some clothes.)

Customer: “Been working long?”

Me: “No, I only do eight hours a week because of college.”

Customer: “Huh. Eight hours! I used to go to college six hours a day, and then work for 48 hours! Kids these days are lazy.”

Me: “Uh…”

Customer: “And you know what wage I was on! £1! That’s right. You kids have your ‘minimum wage’ and your ‘rights.’ I got £1 for 48 hours and some weeks, I wouldn’t even get paid if I didn’t do my job well!”

Me: “Oh…”

Customer: “So, going anywhere nice this summer?”

Me: “I’m going to Spain in July.”

Customer: “You know some people go on holiday and just go from the hotel to the beach and back again. That’s not a holiday! You should be out exploring! Is that what you do?”

Me: “Not usually. Usually I go looking at castles and other historical places. But this time I’m going with friends, sort of a last holiday before we all separate for University. So we’ll mostly be on the beach.”

Customer: “LAZY! THAT’S WHAT YOU ARE! ALL YOU DO IS STAND HERE IN THE FITTING ROOM, GABBING OFF, AND THEN YOU GO ON TONS OF HOLIDAYS A YEAR AND LIE ON BEACHES! SOME OF US WORK FOR A LIVING! IF YOU GOT UP OFF YOUíRE A*** AND GOT A JOB, YOU’D SEE YOU CAN’T JUST SIT AROUND ALL DAY!”

Ye Olde Fool

| Belgium | Health & Body, History, Theme Of The Month, Tourists/Travel

(I am breastfeeding my three-month-old baby quietly in a corner of a medieval festival. I am a participant. In front of me is a display of medieval stuff that I make. A tourist is passing by, and sniffs.)

Tourist: “Like they did that in the middle ages!”

Me: “Do you mean the breastfeeding? Of course they did; how else would they feed their baby?”

Tourist: “If you knew a bit about history, you would know that they hired other women to feed the baby.”

Me: “It is true that high-born ladies hired nurse maids to feed their baby and look after them, but how do you think these hired women fed the baby?”

Tourist: “With a bottle of cow’s milk of course! Jeez!”

The Greatest Deal In American History

| Delaware County, PA, USA | History

(A car dealership just outside of Philadelphia is running an oil change special for $17.76. I overhear the following conversation at a convenience store.)

Customer #1: “[Car dealership] doesn’t make sense. $17.76 for an oil change. Don’t specials always have 99 cents in the end?”

Customer #2: “I know, it’s confusing! Probably just some number they pulled out of their a**!”

Clerk: “The Declaration of Independence was signed in 1776. Here. In Philadelphia!”

Customers #1 & #2: *blank stares*

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