November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

Category: History

Customers who don’t remember history are not only doomed to repeat it, but in some of these stories, to completely rewrite it!


| Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Family & Kids, History, Pets & Animals, Top

Customer: “Excuse me, will my son like this for his birthday? He loves dinosaurs.”

(I examine the gift; it’s a set of various plastic fossils.)

Me: “Well, it depends on how into dinosaurs he is. If he just thinks they’re cool, then it’ll be fine. If he’s into palaeontology at all, though, he’ll be disappointed because none of those are actually dinosaurs.”

Customer: “What? Don’t be stupid! He loves dinosaurs! I know what a dinosaur is!”

Me: “Well, right there you have a Pterodactyl, two Synapsids including the famous Dimetrodon, a Plesiosaur, and a Tiktaalik. None of those are dinosaurs. They’re not even all reptiles, or Mesozoic.”

Customer: “What do you know? God, you kids these days are so rude! I know what a dinosaur is.”

(She buys the toy set and leaves in a huff. A week later, I’m working as a cashier when she comes back.)

Customer: “Yes, I’d like to return this.” *shows me the very same fossil toy set*

Me: “Oh, yes, I remember. Would you like me to help you find a dinosaur toy to get instead?”

Customer: “You? God! Look, missy, he just didn’t like them because they weren’t scientifically accurate, okay? These are dinosaurs! They lived a thousand years ago! Do you think I’m stupid!?”

Me: “Ma’am, you clearly are just as intelligent as you present yourself to be.”

Customer: “Well, I’m glad you realise it.”

History Needs Repeating

| TN, USA | History

(A customer calls, asking if we have ‘War and Peace’.)

Me: “No, we do not.”

Caller: “I want you to tell me all the titles of the books you have.”

Me: “We have over 100,000 books.”

Caller: “What types of book?”

Me: “Fiction, mystery, how-to, true crime, western, history.”

Caller: “What is history?”

Me: “Like the Civil War.”

Caller: “You mean War and Peace?”

Me: “No, like World War 2.”

Caller: “There was more than one?”

There’s No Reason We Can’t Be Civil

| Detroit, MI, USA | Awesome Customers, History, Top

(I am a Civil War re-enactor. I am returning home from an event, still in my full Union uniform, and I make a quick stop at a major computer store. On this day people are being distracted by an angry customer who is throwing a loud fit. He is complaining that the store doesn’t carry a transmitter for his 40-year-old receiver.)

Customer: “I’ve been shuffled from one store after another to find this part! I can’t believe you don’t carry it! You’re all just a bunch of f***ing nerds caught up in your modern computers! You’re just trying to talk me into buying a computer, but I’m not having anything to do with that!”

Employee: “Sir, I promise you that I’m not trying to get you to buy a computer. But if you’re looking for an outdated part, we can try and find it for you online.”

Customer: “That’s bulls***. You’ll look stuff up online, steal my credit card information and make me buy a computer! I’m on to you a**holes and the way you use your nerd skills to rip people off and spy on them! I’m not having anything to do with your modern bulls*** technology!”

(I finally step up next to the customer and loudly speak to the employee.)

Me: *to the employee* “I’m sorry, does this mean you can’t help me fix my telegraph?”

(The angry customer turns and gives me a sharp look. His face flushes between surprise and confusion as he sees me in my Civil War uniform, but as he opens his mouth to continue, most everyone surrounding us starts laughing. He turns red and storms out of the store.)

Employee: *to me* “God bless the Army of the Potomac!”

Weekly Roundup: Historical Hijinx

Not Always Right | History, Roundups

Historical Hijinx! From vampire-hunting presidents to Viking chicken nuggets, for these customers, history is a complete mystery!

  1. (Not One Of) History’s Mysteries (5,123 Thumbs Up)
    For this customer, Cowboys & Indians are as fictional as Aliens & Zombies!
  2. S.H.I.E.L.D. Me From This Stupidity (1,468 Thumbs Up)
    We wish Captain America were the real deal, but for this 45-year-old moviegoer he’s a real American hero.
  3. Being The President Sucks (2,892 Thumbs Up)
    Yes, it’s true: Abraham Lincoln had a Stake in preventing the Twilight of our democracy!
  4. Pages Of A Post-Apocalyptic Persuasion (3,196 Thumbs Up)
    We’ll all be drinking Nuka-Cola if this customer’s search for World War 3 history bears mutfruit.
  5. Little Nuggets Of Interest (2,964 Thumbs Up)
    A child gives an Irish tour guide a real “nugget” of historical Viking wisdom!

PS #1: check out our new Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news galore!

PS #2: Read more roundups here!

Never Again

| Queens, NY, USA | Awesome Customers, History, Top

(I often go to a diner near my apartment that’s popular with bikers, who are as a rule, very courteous customers. However, the number of motorcycles out front often attracts a crowd of what the regulars call ‘wannabes’. These are people with new motorcycles and flashy tattoos that just want to show off.)

Customer #1: *showing his friends his arm* “Look at this tat, man. Knife through the heart, and then through an eye. I wanted to show that I’m tough and all, but I wanted something new, so I asked him to add the eyeball.”

Customer #2: “I got an eye, too. It’s on the palm of my hand. Like the monster from that maze movie.”

Customer #3: “Aw, man. I could never get anything on my hand. That’s gotta hurt like s***.”

Regular: *to himself* “P***y.”

(Unfortunately, the three overhear. They jump up and surround the man.)

Customer #2: “What, you think you’re so tough? You think your tats are so bada** , huh?”

(This particular customer is in fact ‘so tough’. He looks old, but he’s a retired police officer.)

Regular: “At least my tattoos have some kind of meaning to them.” *rolling up his sleeve, pointing to tattoos* “Dead kid. Took a gang off the street. Arson.”

Customer #1: “You murdered a kid?!”

Regular: “Nope. Showed up when somebody else did.” *rolling up his other sleeve to reveal a badge tattoo* “Because of this.”

(Realizing he’s a former policeman, the wannabe customers recoil.)

Customer #3: “Pig!”

Regular: “If I still had my nightstick I’d—”

(Suddenly, the owner’s elder mother appears.)

Elderly Mother: “Ruhe!” *all four turn to stare at her* “Well, that’s what they used to say to us if we made a fuss about our tattoos, you know.”

Customer #2: “You got a tattoo, lady? What is it, a ball of yarn?”

(With that, the mother rolls up her sleeve to reveal a concentration camp tattoo.)

Elderly Mother: “No, just a number.”

Customer #1: “What does that even—”

(Customer #2 suddenly realizes what the tattoo means. He immediately drops some cash on the table, grabs his wannabe friends, and heads out the door at a breakneck pace. The regular? He sits there for about ten minutes staring at his own tattoos, before finally finishing his food and leaving… but not before leaving behind a hundred dollar tip.)