Stupid customers in stories are bad enough. However, dealing with a customer’s health issues may be hazardous to your own health! Please consult your doctor before continuing.
(I’m the director of our small-town library. One of my summer volunteers is a 16 year old girl who is a diabetic. She works the lunch shift, and I allow her to eat her lunch at the checkout counter.)
Patron: *to the volunteer* “Hey, can you tell me if you have this book?” *hands over a sheet of paper*
Volunteer: *putting fork down* “Yes. It’s over here. I’ll go get it for you.”
(She walks away. I notice the lady at the desk sniffing the air. She looks around, clearly sees me staring at her, and proceeds to take a large bite of my volunteer’s food. She obviously doesn’t like it, and takes a large container of something out of her purse and dumps it all over the food. She takes another bite, and looks satisfied.)
Volunteer: *coming back* “Here’s your…wait. Why are you eating my lunch?”
Patron: “It was a free sample. And I must say, whoever made it is a terrible cook. It’s very tasteless. I have to put my entire container of salt on this to make it edible!”
Volunteer: “That was my lunch. I’m a diabetic, so of course it wouldn’t taste very good!”
Me: “Ma’am, you just ate her lunch. Why?”
(As I am talking the volunteer scribbles something on a piece of paper and hands it to me. It says, ‘Ignore what I’m about to do’. She then falls to the ground shaking and convulsing.)
Patron: “Oh s***!” *runs out of the library*
Volunteer: “I learned how to do that to get my brothers in trouble.”
(I am leaving the small, medical clinic where I work in the laboratory. A couple enter the doors looking lost.)
Me: “Can I help you?”
Woman: “We’re trying to find the, ‘er-ology’ clinic?”
Me: “Ah urology. That’s on the second floor so if you go up the elevator-”
Man: *interrupting* “Wait, wait! There it is right there!” (He points to a door that says ‘Ear, Nose and Throat’.)
Me: “Well, actually that’s the door for Ear, Nose–”
Man: *interrupting again* “Yeah! Ears. Like Ear-ology!”
Customer: “Excuse me, lifeguard?”
Me: “Yes, ma’am?”
Customer: “I think there’s a…” *whispers* “…sex toy at the bottom of the pool!”
Me: “I’m sorry, what?”
Customer: “A you know…” *whispers again* “vibrator!”
Me: “Ma’am, that’s children’s torpedo toy.”
Customer: “Not a vibrator? Oh darn. I really needed one too.”
(I am the only representative in the Texas queue. I had spoken to this customer 15 minutes previously, before I went on break. He is my first call when I get back.)
Me: “Thank you for choosing [Phone Company]. How may I assist you today?”
Customer: “Aren’t you the one I talked to earlier?”
Me: *checking the account info* “Yes sir, I did speak to you earlier. Is there a problem?”
Customer: “You told me the technician would be out here on Monday. Well that’s not good enough! I need him out here right now!”
Me: “Sir, it’s 9 pm on Saturday evening. Our technicians go home at 7 pm and do not work on Sundays.”
Customer: “I don’t care, you get someone out tonight! I have a medical condition and if something happens to me while my phone is out, I’m calling my lawyer!”
Me: “Sir, I will be more than happy to send you the letter for a doctor to verify that you have a medical condition requiring your phone services to be on 24/7. Unfortunately, because the status is not currently on the account, I will not be able to get a call-out approved.”
Customer: “I don’t want your letter! I want my services back on! If something happens to me on the weekend and I die, you’ll be hearing from me!”
(I have to talk to many different dentists through the day. The old ones speak in a very old-fashioned Norwegian.)
Me: "[Company name] this is [my name]. How may I help you?"
Client: "Yes, you see, my customer just left, and I forgot to take a copy of his bill. Could you send me a new one?"
Me: "Sure miss, but I can see you live quite the distance from here, may I suggest calling the customer to get it back, or get the numbers? I am quite sure it’ll be easier for you."
Client: "But you don’t understand! He just left!"
Me: "I understand miss. I still believe it would be easier for you if you just called the customer though."
Client: "What part of ‘he just left’ is so hard to understand? He left!”
Me: "I see, I’m sorry if I bothered you with my opinions. I’m printing out a copy of the bill right as we speak, and it’ll be out by tomorrow at noon."
Client: "Good. That’s alright then.” *mumbles to herself* “…asking me to call his widow for the bill. Outrageous."
Me: "Widower? Excuse me miss, but is your customer dead?"
Client: "Oh, so now you get it, huh? I told you he left!"