Stupid customers in stories are bad enough. However, dealing with a customer’s health issues may be hazardous to your own health! Please consult your doctor before continuing.
(I have to talk to many different dentists through the day. The old ones speak in a very old-fashioned Norwegian.)
Me: "[Company name] this is [my name]. How may I help you?"
Client: "Yes, you see, my customer just left, and I forgot to take a copy of his bill. Could you send me a new one?"
Me: "Sure miss, but I can see you live quite the distance from here, may I suggest calling the customer to get it back, or get the numbers? I am quite sure it’ll be easier for you."
Client: "But you don’t understand! He just left!"
Me: "I understand miss. I still believe it would be easier for you if you just called the customer though."
Client: "What part of ‘he just left’ is so hard to understand? He left!”
Me: "I see, I’m sorry if I bothered you with my opinions. I’m printing out a copy of the bill right as we speak, and it’ll be out by tomorrow at noon."
Client: "Good. That’s alright then.” *mumbles to herself* “…asking me to call his widow for the bill. Outrageous."
Me: "Widower? Excuse me miss, but is your customer dead?"
Client: "Oh, so now you get it, huh? I told you he left!"
(I am trying to help a customer with a product while she is talking on the phone to her friend. Every time she asks me a question, she would go back to talking to her friend while I gave her the answer so I would have to repeat myself.)
Customer: “Do you have something that will help me with my period?”
Me: “Dong Quai.”
Customer: “I’m not crying!”
Me: “No, the product is called Dong Quai.”
Customer: “Hi there, do you sell rectums?”
Me: “I’m sorry, what?”
Customer: “Rectums. I need a rectum. do you sell them?”
Me: “Why do you need it?”
Customer: “I have some tablets here and it says ‘insert via rectum’ and as I don’t have one, I thought I better buy one.”
Me: “I think I better call the pharmacist in.”
(I call the pharmacist in who explains to the man exactly what a rectum is. He leaves red faced.)
Where The Sun Don’t Shine, Bungholio!
(A frequent customer comes in and tells me about her new job at a new gym.)
Customer: “Anyway, I was hoping you could put these fliers out on the registers to hand out to your customers?”
Me: “Sorry, but corporate doesn’t allow us to put out fliers for businesses that aren’t related to pet care.”
Customer: “Oh, I understand. Maybe you could keep them in the drawer and just hand them out to the fat customers?”
(A male customer is in the feminine hygiene aisle and has requested to speak to a female employee.)
Me: “Hi, can I help you with something?”
Customer: *obviously embarrassed* “I need some ‘female products’.”
Me: “Okay, you’re in the right place. This is all our selection.”
Customer: “Really?” *points to the pads* “I don’t think these will work. They all look so small.”
Me: “Well, most women prefer that. But if you want something different, the tampons are right here as well.”
Customer: “Oh, gross. No, I would rather these but bigger, so they’ll work.”
Me: “This is really all we have.”
Customer: “Hmm, what about some diapers or something like that? Do you have those?”
Me: “What? Do you mean baby diapers? Sir, I really don’t think that’s what you want.”
Customer: “You’re right, they probably cost twice as much anyways. I think I’m going to tell my wife to come in after work and figure this out herself.”
Me: “I think that’s a very good idea, sir.”