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    Category: Health & Body

    Stupid customers in stories are bad enough. However, dealing with a customer’s health issues may be hazardous to your own health! Please consult your doctor before continuing.

    One More Of These And I’ll Squit

    | Alberta, Canada | Food & Drink, Health & Body

    Customer: “I’ll have the chicken salad.”

    Me: “Alright.”

    Customer: “Is there MSG in it?”

    Me: “There might be some in the dressing, I can check for you. Are you allergic?

    Customer: “No, it just gives me diarrhea.”

    Me: “Uh…ok?”

    Customer’s friend: “That’s too much information!”

    Customer: “No she needs to know. You need to know right?”

    *pause*

    Me: *nervous laughter* “Oh, absolutely.”

    Pray She Doesn’t Use Hemorrhoid Cream

    | Orland Park, IL, USA | Health & Body

    Customer: “You changed the formulation of [day cream]. You should really tell customers when you do that!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, we were not made aware of that change. How did you find out?”

    Customer: “Well it tastes different.”

    Me: “Tastes different? You tasted the product?”

    Customer: “Of course! I taste everything I put on my body!”

    Feeling Pooped

    | Milwaukee, WI, USA | Health & Body, Rude & Risque

    (A couple approaches the counter.)

    Me: “Can I help?”

    Customer: “Yes, can you give me advice about his stool?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t give medical advice. Perhaps you’d like to speak to our pharmacist, or consult your doctor?”

    Customer: “No, I’m sure they’re very busy. I just want someone to tell me if it’s normal.”

    Me: “The law says I can’t give advice. Let me get the pharmacist.”

    Customer: “No, really, I have some here.” *whips out a clear bag of poo on the counter* “See, it’s all gritty. That’s not normal, is it? Do you have pills for that?”

    Me: “Ma’am, you might want to take that to your doctor. We can’t accept biological waste.”

    Customer: *to her husband* “See, Joe, I told you it was wrong. That’s why I save them.”

    When Just Being A Doctor Isn’t Cool Enough

    | Erie, PA, USA | Food & Drink, Health & Body

    (I work in a hospital kitchen with an adjoining cafeteria. A doctor pokes his head in the door and calls attention to himself. I stop what I’m doing to help him.)

    Doctor: “Excuse me, the coolers in the cafeteria are all turned off. Could you please turn them on?”

    Me: “Well, there’s nothing in them right now. We’re still making the food. It would be a waste of electricity to turn on an empty cooler.”

    Doctor: “But I’m a doctor.”

    Me: “I…I know that.”

    Doctor: “If you know, then why won’t you turn them on?”

    Me: “Sir, I can’t turn them on. There’s no need.”

    Doctor: *pauses* “But I’m a doctor.”

    Me: “Sir–”

    Doctor: “I’m a doctor!”

    Me: “Okay, I can turn them on.”

    (I walk into the cafeteria with him and flip the switches on the empty coolers.)

    Doctor: “Thank you.”

    (He walks away empty-handed, apparently satisfied.)

    Me: “Okay then.”

    (I turn the coolers off again and go back to the kitchen.)

    Suffering From A-Salt

    | Alabama, USA | Books & Reading, Health & Body, Top

    (I’m the director of our small-town library. One of my summer volunteers is a 16 year old girl who is a diabetic. She works the lunch shift, and I allow her to eat her lunch at the checkout counter.)

    Patron: *to the volunteer* “Hey, can you tell me if you have this book?” *hands over a sheet of paper*

    Volunteer: *putting fork down* “Yes. It’s over here. I’ll go get it for you.”

    (She walks away. I notice the lady at the desk sniffing the air. She looks around, clearly sees me staring at her, and proceeds to take a large bite of my volunteer’s food. She obviously doesn’t like it, and takes a large container of something out of her purse and dumps it all over the food. She takes another bite, and looks satisfied.)

    Volunteer: *coming back* “Here’s your…wait. Why are you eating my lunch?”

    Patron: “It was a free sample. And I must say, whoever made it is a terrible cook. It’s very tasteless. I have to put my entire container of salt on this to make it edible!”

    Volunteer: “That was my lunch. I’m a diabetic, so of course it wouldn’t taste very good!”

    Me: “Ma’am, you just ate her lunch. Why?”

    (As I am talking the volunteer scribbles something on a piece of paper and hands it to me. It says, ‘Ignore what I’m about to do’. She then falls to the ground shaking and convulsing.)

    Patron: “Oh s***!” *runs out of the library*

    Volunteer: “I learned how to do that to get my brothers in trouble.”

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