Stupid customers in stories are bad enough. However, dealing with a customer’s health issues may be hazardous to your own health! Please consult your doctor before continuing.
Customer: “Excuse me, lifeguard?”
Me: “Yes, ma’am?”
Customer: “I think there’s a…” *whispers* “…sex toy at the bottom of the pool!”
Me: “I’m sorry, what?”
Customer: “A you know…” *whispers again* “vibrator!”
Me: “Ma’am, that’s children’s torpedo toy.”
Customer: “Not a vibrator? Oh darn. I really needed one too.”
(I am the only representative in the Texas queue. I had spoken to this customer 15 minutes previously, before I went on break. He is my first call when I get back.)
Me: “Thank you for choosing [Phone Company]. How may I assist you today?”
Customer: “Aren’t you the one I talked to earlier?”
Me: *checking the account info* “Yes sir, I did speak to you earlier. Is there a problem?”
Customer: “You told me the technician would be out here on Monday. Well that’s not good enough! I need him out here right now!”
Me: “Sir, it’s 9 pm on Saturday evening. Our technicians go home at 7 pm and do not work on Sundays.”
Customer: “I don’t care, you get someone out tonight! I have a medical condition and if something happens to me while my phone is out, I’m calling my lawyer!”
Me: “Sir, I will be more than happy to send you the letter for a doctor to verify that you have a medical condition requiring your phone services to be on 24/7. Unfortunately, because the status is not currently on the account, I will not be able to get a call-out approved.”
Customer: “I don’t want your letter! I want my services back on! If something happens to me on the weekend and I die, you’ll be hearing from me!”
(I have to talk to many different dentists through the day. The old ones speak in a very old-fashioned Norwegian.)
Me: "[Company name] this is [my name]. How may I help you?"
Client: "Yes, you see, my customer just left, and I forgot to take a copy of his bill. Could you send me a new one?"
Me: "Sure miss, but I can see you live quite the distance from here, may I suggest calling the customer to get it back, or get the numbers? I am quite sure it’ll be easier for you."
Client: "But you don’t understand! He just left!"
Me: "I understand miss. I still believe it would be easier for you if you just called the customer though."
Client: "What part of ‘he just left’ is so hard to understand? He left!”
Me: "I see, I’m sorry if I bothered you with my opinions. I’m printing out a copy of the bill right as we speak, and it’ll be out by tomorrow at noon."
Client: "Good. That’s alright then.” *mumbles to herself* “…asking me to call his widow for the bill. Outrageous."
Me: "Widower? Excuse me miss, but is your customer dead?"
Client: "Oh, so now you get it, huh? I told you he left!"
(I am trying to help a customer with a product while she is talking on the phone to her friend. Every time she asks me a question, she would go back to talking to her friend while I gave her the answer so I would have to repeat myself.)
Customer: “Do you have something that will help me with my period?”
Me: “Dong Quai.”
Customer: “I’m not crying!”
Me: “No, the product is called Dong Quai.”
Customer: “Hi there, do you sell rectums?”
Me: “I’m sorry, what?”
Customer: “Rectums. I need a rectum. do you sell them?”
Me: “Why do you need it?”
Customer: “I have some tablets here and it says ‘insert via rectum’ and as I don’t have one, I thought I better buy one.”
Me: “I think I better call the pharmacist in.”
(I call the pharmacist in who explains to the man exactly what a rectum is. He leaves red faced.)
Where The Sun Don’t Shine, Bungholio!