Stupid customers in stories are bad enough. However, dealing with a customer’s health issues may be hazardous to your own health! Please consult your doctor before continuing.
(I work front desk and am checking in a new patient. Note that I am a lesbian, wearing a clearly visible pentagram necklace, and am in a 5 year relationship.)
Me: “Good morning! Go ahead and sign in and I’ll let the doctor know you’re here.”
Patient: “Your eyes are gorgeous!”
Me: “Thanks. Have a seat while I look through your paperwork.”
Patient: *doesn’t move*
Patient: “Your eyes are really just so beautiful. I can see the power of God in you. You are truly an angel, do you know that?”
Me: “I…get that a lot?”
Patient: “Are you single?”
Patient: “Are you sure? Is it serious?”
Me: “Yeah, pretty serious.”
Patient: “Oh, but you’ll just love my son. You have to meet him as soon as he gets back from his Mormon mission!”
Patient: “Are you sure you can’t consider breaking up with your boyfriend?”
Me: “I really don’t think she’d take that well.”
Me: “I said I really don’t think I’m allowed to date patients or their family members.”
Patient: “Oh…but do think about it. Your eyes are really just so pure! He’d really be perfect for you!”
(She called several weeks later to say she’d been committed to a mental hospital.)
(I have psoriasis, a hereditary condition which leaves me with large red patches on my scalp. This occurs while I am waiting in line at a convenience store with a woman standing behind me.)
Customer: "What’s wrong with you?"
Me: "I beg your pardon?"
Customer: "Those ugly blotches all over your head. What do you have?"
Me: "Oh, it’s a highly contagious flesh eating disease. Very painful."
Customer: "Oh my gosh! Really? How contagious is it?"
Me: "Well, you probably already have it."
Customer: *rushes out of the store in a panic*
Customer: “I’ve come to pick up my prescription.”
Me: “Oh I’m really sorry, due to extenuating circumstances we don’t have a pharmacist at the moment so legally I can’t give out any prescriptions. But if you wait 5 minutes, a replacement pharmacist will be here and then you can take it.”
Customer: “But I need it. Give it to me!”
Me: “I understand your problem but I would be breaking the law if I gave it to you.”
Customer: “I work in the pharmaceutical industry and I know for a fact you are lying! Give it to me now!”
(The pharmacist arrives and I explain the problem.)
Pharmacist: “I’m really sorry for the inconvenience but my colleague was right, there was nothing she could do. But now that I’m here, you can take your prescription.”
Customer: “You’re colleague is a cruel, moral-less b**** with the intelligence of a moron. She has endangered my life! I shall take this to court and win!” *storms out*
Me: *to pharmacist* “What was in her prescription?”
Pharmacist: “Drops for excessive ear wax.”
(It’s about 32C (89F) outside, so pretty hot. A fairly large lady comes into the shop wearing an enormous, thick fleece sweater and comes up to a colleague and myself at the desk.)
Customer: “Warm today!”
Me: “Certainly is! Can we help you?”
Customer: “I need an outfit for a wedding. But now I’m here I think I’m too hot to try on clothes. Here, feel how hot I am!”
(Before I can stop her, she grabs my hand from the desk and wipes it across her very, very sweaty forehead. I’m speechless.)
Me: *trying to discreetly wipe my hand on my leg* “Yes, you’re clearly very hot indeed. Maybe you could find some clothes and try them at home? You can return them, that’s no problem.”
Customer: “Oh, I may as well now I’m here. I could also do with being measured for a new bra. Have you got any fitters in today?”
(My colleague, who is the store’s lingerie specialist, suddenly goes wide-eyed and jumps in immediately.)
Colleague: “I… No. No, we do not! Not today.”
Me: "Thank you for calling [Hospital]. How may I help you?"”
Caller: "I would like to know where people go to buy those cups."
Me: What kind of cups are you looking for, sir?"
Caller: "Sample cups."
Me: "Sample cups? Do you mean like for a urine sample?"
Caller: "Yeah! I need quite a few."
Me: "I guess you could get them at a medical supply company. Have you tried that?"
Caller: "Oh boy! Thank you, lady! You have helped me so much! See, I am looking for work and most places require a urine test. I want to have my samples all ready to go!"