Stupid customers in stories are bad enough. However, dealing with a customer’s health issues may be hazardous to your own health! Please consult your doctor before continuing.
Customer: “I need to get an appointment for my son right away!”
Me: “Okay, has he seen the doctor before?”
Customer: “No. He had an appointment but he missed it.”
(I get the patient’s name and check him in the computer. He missed a consult appointment on 8/10 and didn’t call to cancel. He simply didn’t show up. It is now 9/27.)
Me: “Okay, our next available appointment is October 22nd.”
Customer: “That’s not soon enough! Don’t you have anything sooner?”
Me: “That’s our next available routine appointment. If you want to have his primary care physician call and speak with our doctor, we may be able to move it up, but right now I can’t put him in our emergency slots.”
Customer: “Why not?”
Me: “It’s our policy not to give out emergency slots to patients who have previously no-showed appointments.”
Customer: “What if it’s an emergency?”
Me: “Given that his original appointment that you missed was six weeks ago, I find that unlikely.”
Customer: “He’s got hormones in his brain!”
*long awkward silence*
Me: “He’s a teenage boy, right?”
Customer: “It’s an emergency!”
The Mother Of All Excuses
Customer: “I hear you are the go-to girl for computer problems.”
Me: “Yes, I am.” (I scoot over to the computer.) “What’s the problem?”
Customer: “I can’t remember my password.”
Me: “I don’t know your password.”
Customer: “So they lied when they told me you knew everything about the computers?”
Customer: “Now don’t forget my military discount!”
Me: “Do you have a military ID, sir?”
Customer: “Sure do.”
(He starts digging through his wallet and doesn’t immediately find it.)
Customer: “I can also show you my scars from Vietnam!”
Me: “Just the ID will do fine.”
(I work front desk and am checking in a new patient. Note that I am a lesbian, wearing a clearly visible pentagram necklace, and am in a 5 year relationship.)
Me: “Good morning! Go ahead and sign in and I’ll let the doctor know you’re here.”
Patient: “Your eyes are gorgeous!”
Me: “Thanks. Have a seat while I look through your paperwork.”
Patient: *doesn’t move*
Patient: “Your eyes are really just so beautiful. I can see the power of God in you. You are truly an angel, do you know that?”
Me: “I…get that a lot?”
Patient: “Are you single?”
Patient: “Are you sure? Is it serious?”
Me: “Yeah, pretty serious.”
Patient: “Oh, but you’ll just love my son. You have to meet him as soon as he gets back from his Mormon mission!”
Patient: “Are you sure you can’t consider breaking up with your boyfriend?”
Me: “I really don’t think she’d take that well.”
Me: “I said I really don’t think I’m allowed to date patients or their family members.”
Patient: “Oh…but do think about it. Your eyes are really just so pure! He’d really be perfect for you!”
(She called several weeks later to say she’d been committed to a mental hospital.)
(I have psoriasis, a hereditary condition which leaves me with large red patches on my scalp. This occurs while I am waiting in line at a convenience store with a woman standing behind me.)
Customer: "What’s wrong with you?"
Me: "I beg your pardon?"
Customer: "Those ugly blotches all over your head. What do you have?"
Me: "Oh, it’s a highly contagious flesh eating disease. Very painful."
Customer: "Oh my gosh! Really? How contagious is it?"
Me: "Well, you probably already have it."
Customer: *rushes out of the store in a panic*