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    Category: Health & Body

    Stupid customers in stories are bad enough. However, dealing with a customer’s health issues may be hazardous to your own health! Please consult your doctor before continuing.

    Never Send A Man…Period

    | Seattle, WA, USA | Health & Body, Spouses & Partners

    (A male customer is in the feminine hygiene aisle and has requested to speak to a female employee.)

    Me: “Hi, can I help you with something?”

    Customer: *obviously embarrassed* “I need some ‘female products’.”

    Me: “Okay, you’re in the right place. This is all our selection.”

    Customer: “Really?” *points to the pads* “I don’t think these will work. They all look so small.”

    Me: “Well, most women prefer that. But if you want something different, the tampons are right here as well.”

    Customer: “Oh, gross. No, I would rather these but bigger, so they’ll work.”

    Me: “This is really all we have.”

    Customer: “Hmm, what about some diapers or something like that? Do you have those?”

    Me: “What? Do you mean baby diapers? Sir, I really don’t think that’s what you want.”

    Customer: “You’re right, they probably cost twice as much anyways. I think I’m going to tell my wife to come in after work and figure this out herself.”

    Me: “I think that’s a very good idea, sir.”

    Scareware Makes Us Aware

    | Perth, Australia | Health & Body, Technology, Top

    Me: “How can I help you today?”

    Patient: “Um. I think I have an STI.”

    Me: “Okay. What symptoms do you have that makes you think that?”

    Patient: “Well, I don’t really know. My computer told me to be here.”

    Me: “Oh, did you do a self-analysis online?”

    Patient: “No. I’m not sure. I’m here, I need to be here!”

    Me: “Exactly what did your computer tell you?”

    Patient: “Don’t judge me! Stop it! I need to be here!”

    Me: “I can assure you that I am not judging you. Can you explain to me exactly what happened before you came here?”

    Patient: “Well, I was looking at some porn last night online and this morning I turned my computer on and it told me I have a virus!”

    Me: “Uh.”

    Patient: “Stop judging me!”

    Don’t Hold Your Breath For This One

    | Boulder, CO, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Health & Body

    (I am counseling a patient on using an inhaler.)

    Me: “Do you know how to use an inhaler, sir?”

    Patient: “Nope, never used one.”

    Me: “Okay, you’ll want to begin inhaling, and then depress the inhaler as you are breathing in. Then, hold your breath for as long as possible to allow the medication to be absorbed into your lungs.”

    Patient: “Oh, sort of like smoking pot…”

    High Cholesterol, Low IQ

    | Traverse City, MI, USA | Health & Body, Politics

    Patient: “We need to schedule a surgery.”

    Me: *looking over the patient’s chart* “Surgery? For what, ma’am?”

    Patient: “The doctor said I had high cholesterol. And I want him to go in and cut it out. Take it all, I say.”

    Me: “He can’t just go in and remove the cholesterol. There are ways that you can lower your cholesterol.”

    Patient: “Don’t lie to me. There’s cholesterol free food. I’ve seen it. Someone has to go into the food and take it out, now don’t they? You just don’t want me to use my free health care. You probably voted for McCain!”

    Me: “Let me see if I can reach the doctor.”

    Hollywood, M.D.

    | Vancouver Island, BC, Canada | Health & Body, Math & Science, Movies & TV

    (A customer comes to the counter with a bleeding hand.)

    Customer: “Have you got a first aid kit back there? I caught my hand and it’s bleeding.”

    Me: “Of course. I’ll go get it.”

    (I come back with the kit and take out some antibiotic ointment and some bandages.)

    Customer: “Oh, I shouldn’t need the bandages.”

    Me: “Are you sure? It’s bleeding quite a lot.”

    Customer: “Well, that ointment will just fix it, won’t it?”

    Me: “Pardon?”

    Customer: “That stuff you’ve got in your hand, that’ll just heal it up right?”

    Me: “This helps it heal faster and prevents it from getting infected, but it doesn’t heal it immediately.”

    Customer: “Don’t you have the stuff that just fixes it right away?”

    Me: “I don’t believe they have anything that does that, ma’am.”

    Customer: “They do, I saw it before!”

    Me: “Where did you see it?”

    Customer: “I saw it on some movie. I don’t want that stuff there. I want the stuff I saw in the movie. Just get that stuff and fix this already, will you?”


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