Stupid customers in stories are bad enough. However, dealing with a customer’s health issues may be hazardous to your own health! Please consult your doctor before continuing.
(A customer comes to my register with prenatal vitamins and a book on conception.)
Customer: "The tablets scanned at $32.50. They’re supposed to be $20!"
Me: "Oh, I’m sorry. I’ll just get someone to check the price. Won’t be a moment."
Me: "No, I’m sorry. $32.50 is the correct price."
Customer: "$32.50 is way too expensive! I don’t want to conceive that much!"
Me: “Thank you for calling [hospital]. How may I help you?”
Caller: “Yeah. I had a baby at your hospital about a week ago, and when I was discharged I got a lot of papers and some samples. One of the papers says something about a PKU test.”
Me: “Yes, ma’am. How can I help you with that?”
Caller: “Well, it says on this paper that I need to bring my ‘new arrival’ to registration and they would help me get the PKU test done. I want you to know that I have looked all through the papers and stuff you gave me and I can’t find anything marked ‘new arrival’. What is this ‘new arrival’ I am supposed to bring with me when I come in?”
Me: “Ma’am, that would be your infant child…your new baby.”
Caller: “Oh my freaking God! If you mean ‘new baby’, then write ‘new baby’! Not everyone understands this hospital medical jargon!”
Sadly Wasn’t Born Yesterday
(A woman walks into the store with her young daughter. Her daughter looks feverish and is sniffling.)
Customer: “Oh look honey, they have candy bars. Go get yourself one while mommy shops for her things.”
(The little girl walks up to the counter and takes a candy bar.)
Me: “Are you feeling okay, little girl?”
Daughter: “My mommy says as long as she gets her tampons, I’ll feel better.”
(The girl suddenly vomits all over the candy bars and on the counter.)
Daughter: “QUICK MOMMY! GET YOUR TAMPONS!”
Customer: “I need to get an appointment for my son right away!”
Me: “Okay, has he seen the doctor before?”
Customer: “No. He had an appointment but he missed it.”
(I get the patient’s name and check him in the computer. He missed a consult appointment on 8/10 and didn’t call to cancel. He simply didn’t show up. It is now 9/27.)
Me: “Okay, our next available appointment is October 22nd.”
Customer: “That’s not soon enough! Don’t you have anything sooner?”
Me: “That’s our next available routine appointment. If you want to have his primary care physician call and speak with our doctor, we may be able to move it up, but right now I can’t put him in our emergency slots.”
Customer: “Why not?”
Me: “It’s our policy not to give out emergency slots to patients who have previously no-showed appointments.”
Customer: “What if it’s an emergency?”
Me: “Given that his original appointment that you missed was six weeks ago, I find that unlikely.”
Customer: “He’s got hormones in his brain!”
*long awkward silence*
Me: “He’s a teenage boy, right?”
Customer: “It’s an emergency!”
The Mother Of All Excuses
Customer: “I hear you are the go-to girl for computer problems.”
Me: “Yes, I am.” (I scoot over to the computer.) “What’s the problem?”
Customer: “I can’t remember my password.”
Me: “I don’t know your password.”
Customer: “So they lied when they told me you knew everything about the computers?”