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    Stupid customers in stories are bad enough. However, dealing with a customer’s health issues may be hazardous to your own health! Please consult your doctor before continuing.

    The Hole Truth, And Nothing Butt The Truth

    | Darwin, Northern Territory, Australia | Health & Body

    (I work in a small shopping centre with about 15 shops. One of our regular gentlemen had come into the store to buy his lotto tickets for the week. I notice that he looks rather awkward as he is waiting for his tickets, and decide to make small talk with him.)

    Me: “How’s your day going, sir?”

    Customer: “Uh, fine…yours?”

    Me: “It’s great, thanks!”

    (The customer looks away for a moment, looks down at the paper bag in his hands, and then looks back at me.)

    Me: “Is everything okay, sir?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I just went to the pharmacy and picked up me pills that the doc gave me.”

    Me: “Oh, well I hope everything is okay.”

    Customer: “You see, I’ve never had these type of pills before, and I don’t know what this word on the packet means.”

    Me: “Well, the pharmacist or your doctor would be able to tell you.”

    Customer: *sadly* “Oh, okay…”

    Me: “What’s the word, sir?”

    Customer: *looks at the packet* “Uh…it’s suppo-sit-ory.”

    Me: “Well…uh…sir…that means that you don’t take them orally…”

    Customer: “What do you mean?”

    Me: “You don’t put them in your mouth.”

    Customer: “Well, how do I take me pills?”

    (At this point, another customer behind him is clearly trying not to laugh.)

    Me:  ”Uh…how do I put this delicately? You…uh…”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “I really think your doctor would be the best person to tell you.”

    Customer: “I don’t wanna go back there. Can’t you just tell me?”

    Me: “Why don’t we go down to the end of the counter, sir, and I can explain it to you?”

    (Not wanting to embarrass him further, but not wanting to deny his request, we go down to the end of the counter for some privacy. I spend the next 10 minutes explaining where exactly a suppository goes.)

    Customer: *bright red face* “Oh! Uh!”

    Me: “Yes, sir.”

    Customer: “I didn’t know…I’ve never heard that d*** word before! Well why the h*** would they prescribe something like that? It’s ridiculous!”

    Me: “I’m not a doctor, but why don’t we finish your transaction? Maybe you can win the big draw tonight!”

    Customer: “That would be nice, I could use the money. And you know, if I win, I’m coming back to see you!”

    Me: *laughing* “After that, sir, I should hope so.”

    (The customer laughs with me, we finish up, and he leaves. My coworker, who has overheard the entire conversation, comes over to me.)

    Coworker: “Tell me I didn’t just hear what I think I heard.”

    Me: “You heard right. Oh, I just feel so bad for him.”

    Coworker: “You wanna take your break?”

    Me: “Oh God, yes! I’m going to go see the girls at the pharmacy and tell them they might want to give him a call!”

    (When he came in to the store the next time, he sadly refused to make eye contact. However, he tried to tip me multiple times!)

    Urine Big Trouble Now

    | Maine, USA | Health & Body

    (A regular customer approaches me holding up a small blue plastic square.)

    Customer: “Do you have these?”

    Me: “Oh, is that one of the puppy pads?”

    Customer: “No, it’s for my wife.”

    (He then proceeds to unfold it. It is one of the large medical pads that go on beds under people suffering from incontinence, which happens to look like a large version of a puppy pad.)

    Me: “Oh, yes, sorry, they’re right this way.”

    (The customer follows me. When I hand him the product, he claims that is not it and holds the pad closer to me and shows me the other side. An awful smell emits from it. The cotton inside is crumbling from all the human urine it is holding.)

    Customer: “NO! I want one of these! You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

    (I stand in shock as he slaps his hand against the urine. He then walks off and I go to inform the manager so they can have the customer remove the item from the store. The worst part? The customer wanders into produce and starts picking through the grapes with his urine-covered hands. We had to compost out the whole grape bin!)

    In The Patient Out Hole

    | Nottingham, England, UK | Health & Body

    Me: “Are you likely to receive any in-patient treatment in the next 3 months?”

    Caller: “No, I’m booked in for a colonoscopy, but that’ll just be an in and out!”

    (I had to put the customer on hold for a few moments whilst I composed myself!)

    Lukewarm Science

    | Indiana, USA | Food & Drink, Health & Body

    (A customer orders a large mocha, but only lukewarm. After receiving it, she takes a sip, grimaces, and sighs.)

    Customer: “I really miss hot coffee.”

    Me: “I can heat it up more if you like.”

    Customer: “Oh, no, it has to be lukewarm. I’m trying to lose weight. I read that calories are a unit of heat!”

    Try Our New De Caf Bonne Nuit Blend

    | UK | Food & Drink, Health & Body

    Customer: *angrily* “Get your manager. I have a complaint!”

    Me: “Of course, sir. Just a moment, please.”

    (I get the manager.)

    Manager: “Can I help you, sir?”

    Customer: *still angry* “Yesterday evening, I ordered six cups of coffee to go because I had work to do, but I fell asleep after an hour! My work is ruined! I’m going to sue your a**!”

    Manager: “What flavor did you order?”

    Customer: *thinks for a moment* “A french flavor…de Caf!”

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