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    Category: Health & Body

    Stupid customers in stories are bad enough. However, dealing with a customer’s health issues may be hazardous to your own health! Please consult your doctor before continuing.

    Cardiac Unrest

    | Arizona, USA | Bigotry, Health & Body

    (I work in an ER and I am checking in a patient who needs a cardiac procedure.)

    Patient: “You have an accent. Where are you from?”

    Me: “South Africa.”

    Patient: *disgusted* “South AFRICA? Oh, well I’m sure they wouldn’t have hired you unless you were properly educated.”

    Me: “I assure you, I have a good education. The cardiologist will be in to see you shortly.”

    (As I’m walking out, the cardiologist walks in and introduces himself to the patient.)

    Patient: “Oh, you have an accent, too. Where are you from?”

    Doctor: “South Africa.”

    Patient: *horrified*

    No Returns, Period

    | UK | At The Checkout, Health & Body

    (Our store has a policy that if an item of lingerie has tags and a receipt, and is in resaleable condition, we will refund it if it is not reduced by 50% or more.)

    Customer: “Can I have a refund on this, please?” *puts bag on counter*

    Me: “Okay, is it lingerie?”

    Customer: *snorts* “Of course it is.”

    (I tip out the bag. It contains a single pair of briefs that match a bra we also sell.)

    Me: “So, you want to return these briefs? Do you have the receipt?”

    Customer: *digs through her purse* “I have it in here somewhere.”

    Me: “Um, there’s a… mark… on the inside of these briefs. I don’t think I can return them even with a receipt.”

    (Note: There is a large, very obvious blood stain on the inside of the briefs. I cannot return an item in this condition unless it is seriously faulty. I am already feeling concerned that I have handled the item before knowing about the blood stain.)

    Customer: “Why not?! They don’t fit! When I bought them, the girl said I could return them with the tags and receipt!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, we can only return items in a resaleable condition and these aren’t so.”

    Customer: “She said I could return them with tags and a receipt! I have both, so you have to give me a refund!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but there’s a blood stain on these. We can only return items that are faulty or in a resaleable condition. I’m familiar with all our products and I know these aren’t faulty. Because of the stain, we can’t resell them so I can’t process a return either. I’m really sorry.”

    Customer: “But she said I could return them with a receipt and tags! I want to speak to a manager!”

    Me: “I will get a manager, but it won’t change anything.”

    (I go to get our department manager.)

    Manager: “I’m sorry, but you can only return items in a resaleable condition. Even if you wanted an exchange, which you don’t, these have a blood stain so I can’t allow you to return them.”

    Customer: “BUT THE GIRL SAID I COULD RETURN THEM WITH TAGS AND A RECEIPT, WHICH I HAVE!”

    Manager: “If you wanted to return them, you should have tried them on over another pair of pants so they wouldn’t become stained with blood. You have put my staff at risk by trying to return them in this condition, and I am not prepared to even offer you an exchange given the condition you have presented this item in. In the future, please try on briefs when you are not at ‘that time of the month’ and there won’t be a problem.”

    Customer: *gives manager a mortified look and scuttles out*

    Me: *to my manager* “Thank you!”

    Manager: “Go wash your hands. I’m sorry you had to deal with that!”

    (I washed my hands about ten times until I felt like I’d taken a full layer of skin off!)

    Just Plain Nuts

    | Panama City Beach, FL, USA | Food & Drink, Health & Body, Top

    Customer: “So, does the Rocky Road have peanuts in it? I’m allergic to peanuts.”

    Me: “I’m afraid it does, sir. I’d recommend the Cookie Dough; it’s very good.”

    Customer: “No, no, I’ve had that before. Thanks for telling me about the Rocky Road though. Allergies, you know?”

    Me: “Yes, sir, my friend is very allergic to peanuts, too.”

    Customer: “You’re such a nice girl. All right, I think I’ll have vanilla with the peanut butter candy on top.”

    Me: “Sir? Um… the candy has p—”

    Customer: “Look, kiddo, you were a big help but gimme my darn ice cream, okay? I’m in a bit of a hurry!”

    Me: “Sir, you just told me you had a peanut allergy. I can’t in good conscience give you that topping.”

    Customer: “You’re a teenager. You don’t have a conscience! You’re probably waiting for your boyfriend to show up so you can have sex and do drugs!”

    Me: *dumbstruck*

    Other Customer: “Hey, jerkface, she’s trying to tell you that the candy has peanuts in it! For not having a conscience, she’s being pretty nice about keeping you out of the hospital!”

    Customer: *leaves in a huff*

    Other Customer: “I’m not allergic to peanuts or delusional. One Rocky Road!”

    A Wick-ed Accident

    | Valencia, Spain | Bizarre, Health & Body, Top

    (My friend is a nurse at a local hospital.)

    Patient: “My belly is hurting me.”

    My Friend: “Don’t worry, sir. We’ll sort it out.”

    (My friend proceeds to do a routine examination on the patient. Whenever she touches the patient’s abdomen, he suffers from a lot of pain. They take him to the x-ray room for scans.)

    My Friend: “Sir, it appears you have… um… three candles lodged in your rectum. Do you have any idea how this happened?”

    Patient: “Well… er… I was carrying an armful of candles down some stairs and I tripped and…” *trails off into silence*

    My Friend: “So, you fell on a candle.”

    Patient: “Yes.”

    My Friend: “Then you fell again, on another candle.”

    Patient: “Yes.”

    My Friend: “And then once more, on yet another candle.”

    Patient: “That’s what happened!

    Plz Change Abbrev, Stat

    | London, UK | Health & Body, Language & Words

    (If a customer gets regular medication from a pharmacy, they can have a Medicine Use Review (MUR). It’s basically talking through their meds with a pharmacist. I answer this call from a sweet elderly caller.)

    Me: “Hello, pharmacy.”

    Customer: “Um hello, someone just delivered my medicine. The bag has a sticker on it that says “Patient eligible for MUR.” What it is MUR?”

    Me: “It stands for “Medicine Use Review,” which involves discussing your medicines with the pharmacist. However, those labels are meant for our reference, so I apologise that it’s been put on your bag by mistake. Sorry if it caused confusion.”

    Customer: “Oh, that’s alright, dear. I just thought MUR might be short for murder!”

    Me: “Er no, ma’am! Don’t worry, no one is going to murder you!”

    Customer: “Oh, good! Thank you very much!”

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