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    Category: Health & Body

    Stupid customers in stories are bad enough. However, dealing with a customer’s health issues may be hazardous to your own health! Please consult your doctor before continuing.

    What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stranger

    | County Tyrone, Ireland | Bizarre, Health & Body

    (I am helping a customer choose clothes for her son while he tries them on in the changing room. She is on the older side of middle-aged and has a terrible cough.)

    Customer: *begins coughing and spluttering again*

    Me: “Ma’am, we have some seats over here if you’d like to sit down. Can I get you a drink of water?”

    Customer: “No, no. I am a fighter.”

    Me: “Um, are you sure you wouldn’t at least like to sit down?”

    Customer: “No! I have been in three business meetings today! I am a fighter!”

    (Please note that this is 2pm on a Sunday afternoon.)

    Me: “Okay, but if you need anything, just ask.”

    Customer: “Listen, you only live once. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger! *grabs my hands* “I AM A FIGHTER! I WILL NOT DIE! I AM DESIGNING MY OWN CLOTHES AND WILL PUT [my store] OUT OF BUSINESS!”

    As Stupid As She Is Contagious

    | Columbus, OH, USA | At The Checkout, Health & Body

    (It’s late one evening when a customer walks into the store, obviously not feeling well. Our store emails coupons to loyal customers.)

    Customer: “I have coupons but I forgot to print them out. I’m not asking for the discount today, but if I bring them in tomorrow could I still get the discount?”

    Manager: “To get the discount on today’s items, you will have to have the coupons with you when you checkout.”

    Customer: “You’re kidding me! So you want me to come all the way back here tonight when I’m this sick?”

    (She storms to the back of the store, grabs a small bag of dog food, and tosses it roughly onto the counter.)

    Customer: “Who’s your district manager? This is such crappy service! I shouldn’t even be out doing this today! I was just diagnosed with whooping cough!” *leaves*

    (Both my manager and I look at each other, surprised. He takes down her information and gives her the number for the district manager.)

    Me: “Why’d you take her information down?”

    Manager: “So I know who to send my medical bill to if I get sick.”

    Blood Money

    , | Texas, USA | Health & Body

    (A caller is on the phone applying for a loan. We get to the part with his income.)

    Me: “Okay, where are you employed?”

    Caller: “I don’t work. I sell blood.”

    Me: *confused* “You mean at blood banks?”

    Caller: “Sometimes at blood banks. Sometimes on the street…”

    Two For Poo With A View

    | St. Louis, MO, USA | Health & Body

    (I work in the box office of a live theater. An elderly woman and her granddaughter approach me.)

    Customer: “I want to see [show] tonight. I need you to find me good tickets!”

    Me: “Unfortunately, for the amount of seats you’re looking for, we only have several aisle seats in the balcony available. You’ll all have aisles but won’t be able to sit next to each other.”

    Customer’s Granddaughter: “Those seats are good! We should snatch them up!”

    Customer: “If they were good seats, they’d have been sold by now!”

    Me: “I’m sorry. If I’m to understand you, any seats that I offer you will be unacceptable because they’re available the day of the show?”

    Customer: “Exactly!”

    Customer’s Granddaughter: *to grandmother* “I smell sewage. Did you just poo?”

    Customer: *with an indignant face* “Possibly…”

    (The customer buys the tickets I offer her, but not before going in circles and stinking up the lobby for several minutes.)

    The Hole Truth, And Nothing Butt The Truth

    | Darwin, Northern Territory, Australia | Health & Body

    (I work in a small shopping centre with about 15 shops. One of our regular gentlemen had come into the store to buy his lotto tickets for the week. I notice that he looks rather awkward as he is waiting for his tickets, and decide to make small talk with him.)

    Me: “How’s your day going, sir?”

    Customer: “Uh, fine…yours?”

    Me: “It’s great, thanks!”

    (The customer looks away for a moment, looks down at the paper bag in his hands, and then looks back at me.)

    Me: “Is everything okay, sir?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I just went to the pharmacy and picked up me pills that the doc gave me.”

    Me: “Oh, well I hope everything is okay.”

    Customer: “You see, I’ve never had these type of pills before, and I don’t know what this word on the packet means.”

    Me: “Well, the pharmacist or your doctor would be able to tell you.”

    Customer: *sadly* “Oh, okay…”

    Me: “What’s the word, sir?”

    Customer: *looks at the packet* “Uh…it’s suppo-sit-ory.”

    Me: “Well…uh…sir…that means that you don’t take them orally…”

    Customer: “What do you mean?”

    Me: “You don’t put them in your mouth.”

    Customer: “Well, how do I take me pills?”

    (At this point, another customer behind him is clearly trying not to laugh.)

    Me:  ”Uh…how do I put this delicately? You…uh…”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “I really think your doctor would be the best person to tell you.”

    Customer: “I don’t wanna go back there. Can’t you just tell me?”

    Me: “Why don’t we go down to the end of the counter, sir, and I can explain it to you?”

    (Not wanting to embarrass him further, but not wanting to deny his request, we go down to the end of the counter for some privacy. I spend the next 10 minutes explaining where exactly a suppository goes.)

    Customer: *bright red face* “Oh! Uh!”

    Me: “Yes, sir.”

    Customer: “I didn’t know…I’ve never heard that d*** word before! Well why the h*** would they prescribe something like that? It’s ridiculous!”

    Me: “I’m not a doctor, but why don’t we finish your transaction? Maybe you can win the big draw tonight!”

    Customer: “That would be nice, I could use the money. And you know, if I win, I’m coming back to see you!”

    Me: *laughing* “After that, sir, I should hope so.”

    (The customer laughs with me, we finish up, and he leaves. My coworker, who has overheard the entire conversation, comes over to me.)

    Coworker: “Tell me I didn’t just hear what I think I heard.”

    Me: “You heard right. Oh, I just feel so bad for him.”

    Coworker: “You wanna take your break?”

    Me: “Oh God, yes! I’m going to go see the girls at the pharmacy and tell them they might want to give him a call!”

    (When he came in to the store the next time, he sadly refused to make eye contact. However, he tried to tip me multiple times!)


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