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    Category: Health & Body

    Stupid customers in stories are bad enough. However, dealing with a customer’s health issues may be hazardous to your own health! Please consult your doctor before continuing.

    Customer Zero

    | San Diego, CA, USA | Bizarre, Health & Body

    (I have just gone to the hospital for a abdominal scan, and I still have the ID bracelet on that they give to patients. I am shopping on my own when a woman comes up to me.)

    Female customer: “Excuse me!”

    Me: “Oh! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be in the way.”

    Female customer: “What are you doing in a public place, kid?”

    (Note: I’m 21.)

    Me: “What?”

    Female customer: “That bracelet! It means that you are infected! What are you doing touching things?”

    Me: “Lady. I’m not infected with anything. I just came from a check-up.”

    Female customer: “STOP LYING! I am going to get the manager!”

    (She leaves, and I continue to shop. She comes back with the manager while I am looking at some fruit.)

    Female customer: “See? He’s touching everything! Now you are going to have to throw all of this out!”

    Me: “Look, I already told you. It’s an ID bracelet.”

    Manager: “Wait. You already told her that?” *turns to lady* “Why are you harassing this poor kid?”

    Female customer: “HE IS GOING TO KILL US ALL!” *runs off*

    (The manager apologized and I got his discount for my food!)

    How To Deal With A Customer’s Crap

    | Property ManagementTX, USA | Health & Body

    (I am a property manager for a homeowner’s association. I get a call from a homeowner.)

    Homeowner: “Yes, I’m calling to tell you that you need to pick up the dirty diaper in my front lawn.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, that’s not what I do.”

    Homeowner: “Well, somebody needs to pick it up! Who do you think will pick it up if you don’t?!”

    Me: “Ma’am, it’s your house. You’re responsible for maintaining your home. I’m not obligated to clean your lawn.”

    Homeowner: “Well, then you can rot in H*** along with that diaper!”

    He Is Twice The Man

    | Orlando, FL, USA | Health & Body, Rude & Risque, Top

    (For the Halloween season, we’re running several horror houses, which aren’t otherwise open throughout the year. Light-up devices aren’t allowed inside any of the houses, and as a queue supervisor, I’ve been warning people of this via a cute spiel I made up.)

    Me: “There are no light-up devices allowed inside. It will make it easier to find you, and you will be eaten alive most violently!”

    (At this point, a guest, who seems to have had both legs amputated and is in a wheelchair, speaks up.)

    Guest: “But I’ve already been half-eaten!”

    Inex-spews-able Behavior

    | TX, USA | Health & Body

    (A woman comes in and appears clean and normal. She hands my coworker a plastic bag.)

    Customer: “Could you be a dear and throw this away? I hate having trash in my car.”

    Coworker: “Sure…”

    (As my coworker takes the bag, which isn’t sealed, stuff leaks all over her desk. She leans down to examine it, and it is vomit.)

    Customer: “That is disgusting! You spilled my vomit all over your desk. I should have your boss fire you for making me feel sick all over again!” *storms off*

    Urine Her Way

    | TX, USA | Bizarre, Health & Body

    (A customer comes in and so far has been acting completely normal.) 

    Customer: “May I use your restroom?”

    Me: *gesturing to the sign right behind me* “I’m sorry ma’am, we don’t have a public restroom.”

    (Suddenly the customer grabs her crotch like a child, and starts hopping up and down. She tries to take off running to the gas station across the street, and I shout after her that they don’t have a public restroom either. I see her run out of the gas station, squat down next to the air pump, and begin peeing. She then returns to my store.)

    Customer: *sighs with relief* “When you have to go, you have to go.” *winks at me and walks out*

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