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    Category: Health & Body

    Stupid customers in stories are bad enough. However, dealing with a customer’s health issues may be hazardous to your own health! Please consult your doctor before continuing.

    Urine Need Of Training Yourself

    | Short Hills, NJ, USA | Family & Kids, Health & Body, Top

    (Our store is in a shopping mall, so we don’t have public restrooms like most of our chain locations. Since the mall has restrooms conveniently located across the hall, we usually don’t have any problems. This day, a customer runs into our store holding her three-year-old son’s hand.)

    Customer: “Where’s your bathroom?”

    Me: “We actually don’t have one, but there’s one right over—”

    Customer: “What do you mean you don’t have a bathroom? My son needs to go immediately!”

    Me: “There’s a public restroom right across the hall over there.”

    Customer: “I don’t have time to get him over there! I need you to let us use yours!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t do that. But really, the restroom is right across the hall—”

    Customer: “MY SON IS ABOUT TO PEE HIS PANTS! He’s still being potty trained and can’t hold it for very long!”

    (To my surprise, another customer who has overheard the conversation speaks in our defense.)

    Another Customer: “Are you crazy, lady? There’s a bathroom not thirty feet away! You’re going to let your poor son wet himself so you can argue with this man? You should be ashamed of yourself!”

    Water You, Stupid, Part 7

    | NY, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink, Health & Body

    (I am assembling coffees when I hear this conversation between a customer and the cashier. Note: our tap water is used to brew the coffee and is very clean.)

    Customer #1: “I would like a bottle of water.”

    Cashier: “Actually, we’re currently out of bottled water, but we can put ice in a cup and fill it with tap water. We won’t charge for it!”

    Customer #1: “How could you say such a thing?! Everyone knows that tap water has salmonella in it! You can’t expect me to give that to my children!”

    (The customer then storms off without buying anything. The next customer walks up, laughing.)

    Customer #2: “I’ll take a water with extra salmonella!”

    Related:
    Water You, Stupid, Part 6
    Water You, Stupid, Part 5
    Water You, Stupid, Part 4
    Water You, Stupid, Part 3
    Water You, Stupid, Part 2
    Water You, Stupid

    You Can Lead A Horse Doctor To Water

    | Virginia, USA | Health & Body, Pets & Animals

    Caller: “Hi, this is [name] with [co-op store]. I need to return some [animal] vaccines that are out of date.”

    Me: “Okay, I can help you with that. Let me just look up your invoice so I can see what you last bought this item…”

    (I take a few moments to check on her past vaccine orders.)

    Me: “Ma’am, the last time you bought this item was in 2009. That was three years ago.”

    Caller: “Yeah, so? I need to have it returned so I can get a refund.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t return this.”

    Caller: “Why the H*** not?!”

    Me: “If I came to your store three years ago and bought a vaccine, would you let me return it today and give me a refund?”

    Caller: “Well, that’s absurd. Of course not. You would have had the vaccine long enough to use it before it went out of date….oh…I see…have a nice day.”

    That’ll Be One Rippled Rear

    | USA | Health & Body, Language & Words

    (A woman walks into the video section of the department store.)

    Customer: “I’ve been looking all over this d*** store, and I can’t find the new Buns of Abs workout video!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ll try to find it for you. Were you looking for Buns of Steel or Abs of Steel?”

    Customer: “It’s called BUNS OF ABS! BUNS OF ABS! BUNS OF ABS! BUNS OF ABS! Don’t you think I know what I’m talking about?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. I’m sorry, but it looks like we only have Buns of Steel and Abs of Steel at this moment. Would you like either of these two?”

    Customer: “No, I want Buns of Abs!”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. I’m afraid we simply don’t have your video in stock. Is there anything else I can do to assist you?”

    (The customer lumbers off, grumbling. Thankfully, at the insistence of her daughter, she came back two minutes later to purchase Abs of Steel and Buns of Steel.)

    Two Much Information

    | Missouri, USA | Bizarre, Health & Body

    (I’m a barber and I’ve just returned from my 15-minute lunch break. A customer that refuses to allow any of the other barbers in the shop work on his hair is waiting for me. He looks rather disturbed about something—almost frightened.)

    Customer: “Thank goodness you’re here. What took you so long?!”

    Me: “Um, I took a fifteen minute lunch, sir. It’s not that long.”

    Customer: “Well, I had to use the bathroom! So, I went to the fast food restaurant down the road.”

    Me: “Okay, although our bathroom is perfectly operational.”

    Customer: “The man in the bathroom at the restaurant wouldn’t get out of the stall, so I had to use the urinal.”

    Me: “Okay, but why are you telling me this?’

    Customer: “It was diarrhea, though, so it flushed down well enough!”

    Me: “Thank you…for not using our bathroom. And please, don’t share bathroom stories with me again.”

    Customer: “Don’t tell anyone what I did!”


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