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    Category: Health & Body

    Stupid customers in stories are bad enough. However, dealing with a customer’s health issues may be hazardous to your own health! Please consult your doctor before continuing.

    Global Positioning Showers

    | USA | Criminal/Illegal, Health & Body

    (I am having an e-mail exchange with one of Parole Officers that refers me a lot of clients.)

    Parole Officer: “Has [new client] shown up yet?”

    Me: “He was supposed to come to me about a week ago, but nope, still nothing.”

    Parole Officer: “Okay, he’s on his way. He’s not the brightest crayon in the box, so you might have to explain the procedures to him a few times.”

    Me: “Cool, good to know.”

    (Several minutes pass.)

    Parole Officer: “He apparently can’t find you. He called me a few minutes ago to say he was in the shower. I am confused.”

    Me: “That’s a new one.”

    Parole Officer: “I know, right? Job security.”

    Makes You Want To Shrimp Into Your Seat

    | MI, USA | Bad Behavior, Food & Drink, Health & Body, Top

    (I am out for lunch with a friend, and we have just finished ordering. Our waitress has been nothing but cheerful and friendly.)

    Me: “Oh, I noticed a lot of your lunch specials have shrimp in them. Could you please make sure my food doesn’t come into contact with any shellfish?”

    Waitress: “Oh, definitely!” *makes note* “So, are you just allergic to shrimp, or all shellfish?”

    Me: “All shellfish.”

    Waitress: “That sucks. I’m allergic to the iodine in shrimp, but I can eat crab legs and stuff. Anyway, I’ll get this right in for you!”

    (As she walks away, I notice my friend is silently fuming.)

    Me: “What’s wrong?”

    My Friend: “What business is it of hers what you’re allergic to? She had no right to ask that!”

    Me: “She was just making conversation; no big deal.”

    My Friend: “No! She had no right! I’m going to talk to a manager about her behavior!”

    Me: “Dude, just chill; she was just being friendly.”

    (Ignoring me, my friend goes up to bar and demands to speak to a manager. The bartender promises to have one come to our table. My friend returns to the table. A couple of minutes later the manager appears.)

    Manager: “I hear you wanted to speak to me. Is there anything I can help you with?”

    My Friend: “Yes! Our stupid b**** waitress is rude and unprofessional! My friend here is allergic to shellfish, and when she asked that her food not touch any shellfish, your employee refused until she knew exactly what my friend was allergic to! She demanded to know! She has no right!”

    (At this point I want to hide in my seat, but the manager turns to me.)

    Manager: “Is this true? I sincerely apologize; I have never known her to do something like that!”

    Me: “That’s because it didn’t happen. She was making conversation, and simply asked a question, after making the note about my allergy. She is a wonderful waitress; my friend here is blowing it all of proportion.”

    My Friend: “No, don’t listen to her! That waitress is horrible and deserves to be fired! I demand that our bill be free!”

    (The manager is looking a bit confused. Our waitress is standing nearby, looking like she’s going to cry. I’ve had enough, and turn to my friend.)

    Me: “This has gone too far. I don’t know what you’re flipping out about, and if this is just some ploy to get free food, I want nothing to do with it. I’m not lying to get that poor girl in trouble, just because you’re cheap!”

    (I turn to the manager.)

    Me: “May I please be seated elsewhere?”

    (The manager obliges and seats me across the restaurant, though he lets me keep the same waitress. My friend—who I no longer speak to—keeps making such a racket that he is removed. I have a delicious, shellfish-free lunch, and the manager even gives me a free dessert!)

    An Upgrade Is In Her Suite Dreams

    | MI, USA | Health & Body, Hotels & Lodging, Liars & Scammers, Pets & Animals

    (Our hotel rules state that while pets are not allowed, we make exceptions for service animals. A blind guest checks in with his Seeing Eye dog. I ask my coworker to take care of him, as I have a slight pet allergy. Not more than an hour later, another guest comes rushing towards me at the front desk, gasping and wheezing terribly.)

    Guest: “There…” *gasps* “…is …a f****** dog in the hotel!”

    Me: “Yes, it belongs to a man who’s legally blind.”

    Guest: *coughs* “You said on your website that you don’t allow pets! I demand to be moved! I have severe allergies!” *gasps for breath* “That d*** mutt could kill me!”

    (I’m stumped by this, as the guest in front of me is in a room on the second floor, while we checked the man with the service dog in on a room on the opposite end of the third floor. Nevertheless, she looks to be in a bad state, so I do my best to help.)

    Me: “Well we can certainly do that. I have another single bedroom on the fourth floor, far away from where there’ll be any—”

    Guest: “No!” *coughs* “I want a suite! I deserve a free room at least for having my life endangered like this!”

    (She grabs the desk and dramatically clutches her throat.)

    Guest: “Merciful Jesus…” *gasp* “…can’t f****** breathe!”

    Me: “Ma’am, why don’t you sit down while I call 911. Where in your room do you have your medication, so we can at least give you something to help while we wait?”

    Guest: “Medication? I don’t have any medication.”

    Me: “Your allergies are so severe that you’re suffering an attack, despite not even being on the same floor as the person with the dog. Yet you don’t have anything to help treat your condition?”

    (The guest noticeably stops with all the coughing and gasping, and looks at me.)

    Me: “I myself suffer from pet allergies, albeit minor ones. Even I had to go in the back and take something when that man came to check in with his dog.”

    Guest: “So… you’re not going to give me a free suite?”

    Me: “The only ones currently available are on the third floor. If anything, you’d be exposing yourself to even greater danger by being in closer proximity to the dog.”

    Guest: “God f****** d*** it!”

    (The guest storms out, apparently now feeling much better.)

    Her Point Has No Weight

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | Bigotry, Health & Body, Theme Of The Month

    (I am working the reference desk. I have a great rapport with our patrons, and am often complimented for my positive attitude.)

    Me: “This is the reference desk. How can I help you?”

    Patron: “Can you tell me why fat people are so defensive?”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Patron: “Can you tell me why fat people are so defensive?”

    Me: “I can find you some materials on obesity, or prejudice faced by obese people perhaps—”

    Patron: “I just want to know why fat people are always so angry.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am; I don’t think I can answer your question.”

    Patron: “See! You’re angry!”

    Me: “I’m sorry; do I know you?”

    Patron: “No, but I’ve been in your library before, and I recognize your voice. You’re fat. Why are you so angry?”

    Me: “Ma’am, I consider your question offensive and bigoted. Would you ask that same question about a particular ethnic group?”

    Patron: “You’re a f******* fat b****!”

    (I’d like to say this conversation didn’t shake me, but I felt ashamed of my appearance for the rest of the day.)

    Probably Needs Some Valium Too

    | AL, USA | Bad Behavior, Health & Body

    (A customer comes into the drive thru.)

    Me: “Hello, how are you, ma’am?”

    Customer: “I want my Nexium.”

    (She provides her information, but I see that nothing has been filled.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am; I don’t see that we have anything ready for you.”

    Customer: “This always f****** happens! I’ve been trying to get my f****** Nexium for a month! I dropped it off here a month ago!”

    Me: “You dropped it off at this location?”

    (I ask this, as there are many branches of our chain within a 10 mile radius of each other.)

    Customer: “Yes, I only fill here!”

    Me: “Ma’am, there is no Nexium in your profile.”

    Customer: “Yes their f****** is! This always f****** happens!”

    (My coworker takes over, trying to calm her down. My manager has had enough of her mouth, and he goes to tell her off.)

    Manager: “Ma’am! You have never filled here! It is not here! We have nothing for you!”

    (The customer continues to curse up a storm. Another customer stares at the drive thru window, looking between it and me.)

    Customer #2: “That b**** be crazy.”

    Me: “I agree, sir.”

    (I suddenly hear the drive thru window slam, and the car speed away.)

    Me: “Sorry you had to hear all that, sir.”

    Customer #2: “Nah it’s cool. Hey if something happens, I heard everything!”

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