Category: Health & Body

Stupid customers in stories are bad enough. However, dealing with a customer’s health issues may be hazardous to your own health! Please consult your doctor before continuing.

Certified Or Certifiable?

| Pasadena, MD, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Health & Body, Theme Of The Month

(A few weeks ago I accidentally stabbed myself in the hand, between my thumb and index finger. Though it has healed, I have a scar, and it still hurts quite a bit if I hit it on anything. A customer has purchased a battery operated device. Store policy is to put batteries in it to make sure it works before they leave. I go to put batteries in but the cap slips out of my hand and manages to hit my scar.)

Me: “Ouch!”

Customer: “What happened?”

Me: “Oh, sorry. The cap hit the scar on my hand.”

Customer: “How’d you get it?”

Me: “Oh, I was at my other job, when I accidentally stabbed my hand. It healed pretty quickly with no infection. So, it’s all better now.”

Customer: “Why would you do that?”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “Why would you stab yourself?”

Me: *joking* “Well, it just seemed like such a good idea at the time.”

Customer: “You shouldn’t do that! You should see someone about your issues right away!”

Me: “Um, it was an accident. I didn’t do it on purpose.”

Customer: “You shouldn’t lie to cover up your problems. Here take my card. I’m certified for these kinds of things.”

Me: “No, thank you. It really was an accident. I was just joking earlier.”

Customer: “Nonsense! I demand that we set up an appointment. I’m going to help you. I’m certified for these kinds of things.”

Me: *sigh* “….so you said.”

Customer: “Good. Now, how does meeting me at [address] at 2 pm tomorrow sound?”

(I am defeated, and am just trying to get this customer out of my store.)

Me: “Sure, sounds just fine.”

Customer: “Okay! See you then. And don’t worry, we will help you with your issues. Just don’t do anything too bad before we meet again!”

(The customer walks off smiling. I never went to that meeting, although I did give my boss a heads up if a crazy woman came asking for me.)

Her Heart Is Just Not In It

| Sheffield, England, UK | At The Checkout, Health & Body

(A well-dressed, middle-aged lady comes to my till.)

Me: “Hello there, how can I help?”

Customer: “Just a packet of ten [Brand Cigarettes] please, dear.”

(I go to the cabinet, find the cigarettes, scan them, and hand them to the customer. She stares at the packet.)

Customer: “Oh, no, dear. I don’t think I’d like this packet.”

Me: “That’s okay, madam. Which brand would you like instead?”

Customer: “No, I mean I don’t like this packet. Could I have another please?”

(The customer gestures to the health message on the packet, which reads ‘Smoking causes throat cancer.’ It comes with a rather graphic picture.)

Me: “Oh okay, how about this one?”

(I hand the customer a packet labeled ‘Smokers die young.’)

Customer: “No… no, not this one either I’m afraid.”

Me: “Okay, madam. How about ‘Smoking harms both yourself and others around you’?”

Customer: “No, I don’t like that one.”

Me: “’Smoking causes heart disease’?”

Customer: “…no.”

Me: “‘Smoking can cause impotence’?”

Customer: *after a pause* “…yes. Yes, okay. I’ll have that one.”

Totally Nuts

| USA | Bizarre, Health & Body, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

(I work in the produce department of a large chain supermarket. As usual, greeting customers as they come in is a pretty common experience and the response is almost always the same. However, tonight, you could say, was a change of pace.)

Me: “Hi, sir, how are you today?”

Guy: “It’s cold as h*** in here! Is your nut-sack shriveled up in your belly like mine is?”

Needs To Find A New Post

| UK | Extra Stupid, Health & Body, Language & Words

Customer: “Excuse me. I’m looking for [brand] aftershave lotion, but you don’t seem to have any!”

Me: “Did you look in the [brand] section? I think they do a few different ones actually. I’ll show you now.”

(I walk him to the section and show him a few.)

Me: “So, you’ve got this one, for sensitive skin, and this one is—”

Customer: “This isn’t AFTER shave! It says right here: ‘POST Shave Balm!”

Me: “Erm, actually ‘post’ means ‘after.'”

Customer: “…What do they pay you here?”

Me: “Around [salary] per hour.”

Customer: “Well, you deserve every penny of it! You’re a smart girl!” *mutters as he walks off* “Who knew that ‘post’ meant ‘after’…”

Hear Her Evil, See Her Evil, Speak Her Evil

| USA | Bad Behavior, Health & Body, Top, Wild & Unruly

(One of my coworkers has partial hearing loss in her right ear, and has a medical condition that has caused her to lose almost all of her peripheral vision in her right eye. On this day, she’s putting away a cartload of items and just happens to be working directly under a speaker. A customer approaches her from the right, and speaks very, very softly.)

Customer: *very softly* “Excuse me; where are your bedsheets?”

Coworker: *doesn’t hear her and keeps working*

Customer: “Excuse me? EXCUSE ME?!”

(Suddenly, the customer KICKS my coworker in the hip. The kick is so hard that my coworker has to catch herself so she doesn’t fall over.)

Customer: “How DARE you ignore me?!”

Coworker: “I’m terribly sorry, ma’am! I didn’t see you.”

Customer: “Bulls***! I was standing right here! Everyone has peripheral vision!”

Coworker: “Except for people with vision problems, ma’am. Can I help you?”

Customer: “Then you should’ve heard me!”

Coworker: “I also have partial hearing loss, and that…” *points up at the ceiling* “…is a speaker.”

Customer: “Well, you should be checking every direction for customers every five seconds!”

Coworker: “Ma’am, is there something I can help you with? I don’t actually work on the sales floor; I work in the stock room, and I have to get back…”

(My coworker ends up helping the customer and taking her to the bedsheets section. However, later I hear the customer complaining to my manager.)

Customer: “…and she just ignored me! And then she kicked me and called me a b****!”

Manager: “I’m so, so so sorry! I’ve never seen her act like that.”

Me: “…Sir?”

Manager: “Not now.”

Me: “But I witnessed the incident.”

Customer: *goes pale* “I didn’t see you anywhere nearby!”

Me: “I was ten feet away, in the clothing racks. Ma’am, YOU kicked HER when you thought she was ignoring you and yelled at her.”

Manager: *lightbulb goes on* “She was on [Coworker]’s right, wasn’t she?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Manager: *to the customer* “Well, ma’am, under these circumstances I can’t give you any discounts, nor will I. I’m not giving you anything for free, and I’m going to call corporate myself to tell them what happened. I’ve got video cameras and an employee witness. You assaulted one of my associates. Get out of my store!”

(The customer did try to call corporate. When they hung up on her, she called the cops, who reviewed the tape and nearly arrested her!)

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