Category: Health & Body

Stupid customers in stories are bad enough. However, dealing with a customer’s health issues may be hazardous to your own health! Please consult your doctor before continuing.

Mom Is Breaking Bad Habits

| Australia | At The Checkout, Criminal/Illegal, Family & Kids, Health & Body

(I am serving a customer who is purchasing over $600 worth of clothing and accessories for her son’s upcoming 21st birthday, as well as making an exchange on his behalf.)

Me: “Okay. Was there anything else before I process the exchange?”

Customer: “No. Here you go!”

(She hands me the bag with the original item. As I remove it from the bag, an obviously used meth pipe falls onto the counter.)

Me: *in disbelief* “Um…”

Customer: “Oh, my God! What is that?”

Me: “Um, it’s a pipe…”

Customer: “A pipe? Like a smoking pipe? What is it for?”

Me: *I pause, unsure of how to break it to her*

Customer: “Is it for marijuana?!”

(By now she is already visibly flustered, looking incredibly angry, and, most of all, mortified. I decide not to tell her what it really is, in fear of her having a heart attack in front of me.)

Me: “Yeah. It’s for marijuana.”

Customer: “I’m going to kill him! What else is he doing? Oh, my God. I’m so embarrassed!”

Me: “He’s obviously got a lot of explaining to do?”

Customer: “I’ll have to confront him about this. Who knows if he’ll be getting anything at all for his birthday?!”

(To my surprise, she actually still purchased everything. I do wonder if her son confessed to what he was actually smoking!)

An Irregular Appointment

| UK | Crazy Requests, Health & Body, Theme Of The Month

(I work in a hair salon and take a phone call.)

Me: “Hello. How may I help?”

Customer: “I need an appointment with [Stylist] for a haircut.”

Me: “Okay. When would you like to come in?”

Customer: “Whenever works for [Stylist].”

Me: “Okay. How about tomorrow at 3 pm?”

Customer: “No. Can’t do that.”

Me: “Friday at 10?”

Customer: “No. Can’t do that.”

(This goes on for a while.)

Customer: “I can only do [specific date, a Saturday; our busiest time].”

Me: “I’m afraid [Stylist] is fully booked that day. How about [Other Stylist]?”

Customer: “I always see [Stylist].”

Me: “Okay…”

Customer: “They have nothing?”

Me: “Sorry. They are fully booked.”

Customer: “I have been seeing them for years.”

Me: “Okay…”

Customer: “Can you not move the other clients around?”

Me: “Not really. How would you like if we moved you around for someone else?”

Customer: “You wouldn’t do that. I’m a regular.”

Me: “According to your record, you’ve been to see us three times. The clients booked in have been coming for the last six years.”

Customer: *click*

This Patron Has A Drinking Problem

| Houston, TX, USA | Health & Body, Rude & Risque, Top

(I work at the circulation desk at a small academic library.)

Patron: *very red-faced* “Um, can you do something?”

Me: “…about?”

Patron: “There’s a woman in the computer lab and she… um…”

(My coworker and I finally manage to get it out of the stammering, embarrassed man that a woman apparently has breastfed her infant and forgot to ‘tuck herself back in’ after the infant was finished eating.)

Coworker: “Oh, boy. You want this one?”

Me: “Got it.”

(I walk up to the woman and lean down quietly to her ear.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m very sorry, but we don’t allow open-drink containers in the library.”

Deciding On Which Managerial Post Is Splitting Pink Hairs

| TX, USA | Crazy Requests, Health & Body, Theme Of The Month

(I have bubblegum pink hair. I manage two stores in the general area, and I am an assistant district manager. Our products are quite pricey, so we tend to have ‘higher end’ customers.)

Me: “Welcome to [Company]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “What the h*** is wrong with your head?!”

Me: “I’m not sure. Is there anything I can help you find?”

Customer: “H***, no! You should be ashamed of that hair color!”

Me: “I’m quite sorry, but, again, do you need any help?”

Customer: “Your hair is obscene! Let me talk to your manager!”

Me: “I am the manager, ma’am.”

Customer: “What?! Fine, you smarta** b****! Let me talk to YOUR manager!”

(I calmly bend down and switch to my ‘assistant district manager’ tag, and face the customer again.)

Me: “All right. How can I help you?”

(The customer turned red and she left without a word.)

He’s Telling A Shaggy Dog Story

| Los Angeles, CA, USA | Health & Body, Liars & Scammers, Pets & Animals, Top

(I work for a major attorney service firm. Our job is to go out to businesses (usually medical) to copy records. I am a ‘stop setter,’ meaning that I set the appointments for our field agents. One of the field agents comes dashing into the office, his clothing disheveled, and panting.)

Me: “What happened?!”

Field Agent: “You wouldn’t believe it! I went to serve Doctor [Name] with a subpoena for records. I went to his home in Malibu, drove up the hill, and parked. Just as I got out of my convertible to go serve him, four huge Dobermans came charging around the corner and tried to kill me! I ran back, jumped into my car, zoomed down the hill and back here!”

Me: “Okay. I’ll call him.”

(I do just that.)

Me: “Dr. [Name]. This is [My Name] from [Copy Service]. Our field agent says he went to your home to serve a subpoena for the records on [legal case] and—”

Doctor: “Listen to me you dirty little s***! That field agent is LYING! My gate’s closed. NOBODY can get in. He was never chased by any dogs because I don’t HAVE any! I’m not home, so he couldn’t have found me. Besides, the dogs were TIED UP! I can see them right now from my WINDOW!”

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