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    Stupid customers in stories are bad enough. However, dealing with a customer’s health issues may be hazardous to your own health! Please consult your doctor before continuing.

    No Meat In Their Brain, Part 3

    | MA, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Health & Body

    (I’m working the register at a popular coffee shop chain. A woman inspects our breakfast sandwiches for a few minutes before approaching me.)

    Customer: “Can I get one of the reduced fat turkey bacon sandwiches?”

    Me: “I’m so sorry; we just sold out of those. Is there anything else I can offer you today?”

    Customer: “Well, what else do you have that’s vegetarian?”

    Related:
    No Meat In Their Brain, Part 2
    No Meat In Their Brain

    Banking On The Go(ing)

    | Fairbanks, AK, USA | Bizarre, Health & Body

    (While shopping I need to use the restroom, after going in I hear the following conversation:)

    Other Occupant: “Yeah, I’d like to know why my bank charged me this amount. Huh? Hold on sweetie. I can’t hear you.” *puts phone on speaker* “What was that?”

    Poor Customer Service Agent: “I need your account number ,ma’am, before I can look up anything.”

    Other Occupant: “Oh, sure, it’s [number].”

    Poor Customer Service Agent: “Okay, that charge was an excess transfer fee.”

    Other Occupant: “Hold on.”

    (The other occupant flushes the toilet.)

    Other Occupant: *walking past* “So what is an excess transfer fee?”

    Poor Customer Service Agent: “Um…”

    (The worst part? She didn’t wash her hands as she left.)

    Actions Are Totally Out Of Order

    | Wichita, KS, USA | Bizarre, Crazy Requests, Health & Body

    (It is near the end of my shift and I am cleaning the bathrooms in my section. The only event currently going on is being held at the other end of the building; there are two other sets of bathrooms and several closed doors between the event and my area. Nonetheless, out of habit, I have put up the “CLOSED FOR CLEANING” sign in the doorway of the women’s bathroom. It’s a bright yellow sign, on a bright yellow safety bar, that is at chest level so that people can’t just walk underneath it. I have just finished cleaning the mirrors and sinks. As I turn away from the mirrors, a woman walks in.)

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, but this bathroom is closed.”

    Woman: “What? Why?”

    Me: “Because I’m cleaning it.”

    Woman: “Well, you should have a sign up!”

    Me: “Uh, I do. Right across the doorway”

    Woman: “Well, that doesn’t apply to me! I have to go!”

    Me: “Are you with the group on the other side of the church?”

    Woman: “YES! Now let me use the bathroom!”

    Me: “Ma’am, you would have had to pass by two other bathrooms on the way down here. Those were much closer to your event.”

    Woman: “I wanted to use this one!”

    (My bathrooms aren’t that special; they’re the oldest bathrooms in the building. The ones by her event are much nicer and had been renovated only a year ago. One toilet in my bathroom is also out of order, while we wait for a back-ordered part to come in.)

    Me: “All right, fine.”

    (She tries to go into the stall with the big ‘OUT OF ORDER’ sign. The stall is locked AND taped shut, since people had been ignoring the sign most of the week and unlocking the stall. Thus far, the tape had deterred them.)

    Woman: “Why can’t I get in here?! I want in! I have to go!”

    Me: “Ma’am, that stall is out of order. The toilet doesn’t work. That’s why there’s a sign and the door is taped shut. There are seven other stalls that are just fine.”

    Woman: *huffing* “FINE!”

    (I go out to my cart to take inventory of what I need to restock before I leave, while I wait for her to finish. A few minutes later, she comes barreling out, knocking my sign out of the doorway.)

    Woman: “Your toilet is broken!” *storms off down the hall*

    (I rolled my eyes, put the sign back, and went to clean whichever toilet she used, figuring she had probably gotten the one with the finicky flusher. She hadn’t. What she had done was unlock the out of order stall and ripped the tape down… and then ripped down the out of order sign, tossed it in the toilet, and urinated and defecated on it. I had to call my shift supervisor down to turn the water back on to that toilet so I could clean it, which left me with a flooded floor from the huge leak that had necessitated closing that toilet in the first place.)

    The Coupon Situation Is Fluid

    | UT, USA | Crazy Requests, Health & Body, Theme Of The Month

    (I overhear a woman complaining down the phone:)

    Woman: “I ATE AT [FAST FOOD PLACE] LAST NIGHT, AND I GOT SO SICK, I HAD DIARRHEA!”

    (There is a pause, with the other line presumably apologizing profusely.)

    Woman: “Can I get some coupons?”

    Allergic Overreaction

    | Yorkshire, England, UK | Health & Body, Wild & Unruly

    (I work at a large chemist’s shop in North Yorkshire. I am about halfway through my shift when a woman comes running into the shop and up to the register. She is scratching herself really fast and making weird faces.)

    Me: “Good morning, ma’am. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “ALLERGIC REACTION!”

    Me: “I’m sorry…?”

    Customer: “ALLERGIC REACTION!”

    Me: “Okay… what about it?”

    Customer: “ARE YOU STUPID OR WHAT? I NEED MEDICINE! ALLERGIC REACTION!”

    (I was quite alarmed by this point and other customers in the shop were starting to stare.)

    Me: “Right, what caused your reaction? Is it animal related, or—”

    Customer: *scratching like mad* “I DON’T KNOW! ALLERGIC REACTION!”

    Me: “Yes, but to give you the correct medication we need to know what caused your reaction. What—”

    Customer: “I DON’T F****** KNOW WHAT CAUSED IT! ALLERGIC REACTION! GIVE ME SOMETHING TO MAKE IT STOP ITCHING!”

    Me: “But, ma’am…”

    (The customer was now running around the store pulling items from the shelves before throwing them to the ground.)

    Customer: “WHERE IS THE F****** ALLERGIC REACTION MEDICINE? I NEED IT NOW!”

    (The manager, hearing the commotion, runs out from the back room.)

    Manager: “What seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “I NEED MEDICATION FOR AN ALLERGIC REACTION AND THIS F****** S*** WON’T GIVE ME IT!”

    Manager: “What caused your reaction, ma’am?”

    Customer: “I. DON’T. F******. KNOW!”

    Manager: “In that case we can’t help you. Have a nice day, ma’am.”

    Customer: “F*** YOU! WHEN I DIE I’M GONNA COME GET YOU FIRED!”

    (The customer runs out of the store screaming ‘ALLERGIC REACTION!’)

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