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    Category: Health & Body

    Stupid customers in stories are bad enough. However, dealing with a customer’s health issues may be hazardous to your own health! Please consult your doctor before continuing.

    A Badly Drawn Request

    | San Antonio, TX, USA | Health & Body, Tourists/Travel

    (I work at a theme park as a caricature artist.)

    Customer: “Hey, if I get one of these done can you make me skinny?”

    Me: “Well, it’s a caricature, so you can have an exaggerated bikini body or something if you like?”

    Customer: “Oh, good! Can you make my teeth look better, too?”

    (I can see the customer has a gap in her teeth.)

    Me: “Well, if you’re sensitive about something like that you could always give me a closed mouth smile.”

    Customer: “And could you make me blonde? And maybe a smaller nose?”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m not sure you’d want a picture if I altered it that much.”

    Customer: “Why not?”

    Me: “Because… it wouldn’t look like you!”

    He Has A Potty Dance But No Potty Mouth

    | Washington, DC, USA | Health & Body, Hotels & Lodging

    (A well-dressed businessman in a suit comes over to check in. He’s acting very strangely; he’s jumping down on one leg, then the other, and twirling around. His face is red and sweaty, though it’s not a very hot day, and he is panting slightly. I figure he’s just weird, and give him his keys. He SPRINTS off. I turn to a coworker.)

    Me: “What was his problem? Why was he acting like that?”

    Coworker: “Like what?”

    Me: “You saw him.”

    Coworker: “Oh, he probably had to go to the bathroom or something.”

    Me: “Oh! Well why didn’t he say so? There are bathrooms down here in the lobby.”

    (Suddenly, the same customer is back. His face is now purple.)

    Customer: “KEYS! NOT WORKING!”

    (He throws the keys in my face, and sprints off towards the lobby bathrooms.)

    Coworker: “See?”

    Trapped On Mount Karma

    | UK | Bad Behavior, Geography, Health & Body, Top

    (We are having one of the coldest Easters in record. I work in an outdoors equipment shop, where we sell everything for use in outdoor activities, from hiking boots and tents to climbing gear and ice picks. I also volunteer for the UK’s mountain rescue. My manager and colleagues all know this, and are happy for me to go on calls.)

    Customer: “I’m looking for some hiking boots so I can go out in the snow.”

    Me: “Okay, sir, they are just over here.”

    (We walk over to where we display our boots. As he is looking, I get paged that my team is going out on a rescue.)

    Me: “Sorry, sir, I am afraid I have to go. I volunteer for mountain rescue, but one of my colleagues will assist you.”

    Customer: “What! How dare you! You shouldn’t trouble me just because some random people managed to get themselves hurt.”

    (The customer grabs onto my sleeve. My manager comes over, as he is aware of my needing to leave.)

    Manager: “Sir, please let my employee leave. I will help you personally, and we will give you some free walking socks for your inconvenience.”

    (I eventually leave, and my team performs our rescue. The casualty had hypothermia and a broken leg, but other than that was fine. A couple of days later, my team get another call-out. I bet you can’t guess who it was…)

    Global Positioning Showers

    | USA | Criminal/Illegal, Health & Body

    (I am having an e-mail exchange with one of Parole Officers that refers me a lot of clients.)

    Parole Officer: “Has [new client] shown up yet?”

    Me: “He was supposed to come to me about a week ago, but nope, still nothing.”

    Parole Officer: “Okay, he’s on his way. He’s not the brightest crayon in the box, so you might have to explain the procedures to him a few times.”

    Me: “Cool, good to know.”

    (Several minutes pass.)

    Parole Officer: “He apparently can’t find you. He called me a few minutes ago to say he was in the shower. I am confused.”

    Me: “That’s a new one.”

    Parole Officer: “I know, right? Job security.”

    Makes You Want To Shrimp Into Your Seat

    | MI, USA | Bad Behavior, Food & Drink, Health & Body, Top

    (I am out for lunch with a friend, and we have just finished ordering. Our waitress has been nothing but cheerful and friendly.)

    Me: “Oh, I noticed a lot of your lunch specials have shrimp in them. Could you please make sure my food doesn’t come into contact with any shellfish?”

    Waitress: “Oh, definitely!” *makes note* “So, are you just allergic to shrimp, or all shellfish?”

    Me: “All shellfish.”

    Waitress: “That sucks. I’m allergic to the iodine in shrimp, but I can eat crab legs and stuff. Anyway, I’ll get this right in for you!”

    (As she walks away, I notice my friend is silently fuming.)

    Me: “What’s wrong?”

    My Friend: “What business is it of hers what you’re allergic to? She had no right to ask that!”

    Me: “She was just making conversation; no big deal.”

    My Friend: “No! She had no right! I’m going to talk to a manager about her behavior!”

    Me: “Dude, just chill; she was just being friendly.”

    (Ignoring me, my friend goes up to bar and demands to speak to a manager. The bartender promises to have one come to our table. My friend returns to the table. A couple of minutes later the manager appears.)

    Manager: “I hear you wanted to speak to me. Is there anything I can help you with?”

    My Friend: “Yes! Our stupid b**** waitress is rude and unprofessional! My friend here is allergic to shellfish, and when she asked that her food not touch any shellfish, your employee refused until she knew exactly what my friend was allergic to! She demanded to know! She has no right!”

    (At this point I want to hide in my seat, but the manager turns to me.)

    Manager: “Is this true? I sincerely apologize; I have never known her to do something like that!”

    Me: “That’s because it didn’t happen. She was making conversation, and simply asked a question, after making the note about my allergy. She is a wonderful waitress; my friend here is blowing it all of proportion.”

    My Friend: “No, don’t listen to her! That waitress is horrible and deserves to be fired! I demand that our bill be free!”

    (The manager is looking a bit confused. Our waitress is standing nearby, looking like she’s going to cry. I’ve had enough, and turn to my friend.)

    Me: “This has gone too far. I don’t know what you’re flipping out about, and if this is just some ploy to get free food, I want nothing to do with it. I’m not lying to get that poor girl in trouble, just because you’re cheap!”

    (I turn to the manager.)

    Me: “May I please be seated elsewhere?”

    (The manager obliges and seats me across the restaurant, though he lets me keep the same waitress. My friend—who I no longer speak to—keeps making such a racket that he is removed. I have a delicious, shellfish-free lunch, and the manager even gives me a free dessert!)


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