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    Category: Health & Body

    Stupid customers in stories are bad enough. However, dealing with a customer’s health issues may be hazardous to your own health! Please consult your doctor before continuing.

    Because She Isn’t Suffering Enough

    | TX, USA | Health & Body

    (After a weekend vacation camping with my husband, I wake up with a bad allergic reaction that swells me up and covers me with hives. It’s so bad that my tongue has even swollen up and my eyes are squinted nearly shut. We’re sitting at the hospital waiting room and waiting to be called when a lady comes in and notices me.)

    Woman: “Oh my god! What happened to you? Did you get hit by bees?”

    My Husband: “We went camping this weekend, so we think something in the woods got on her clothes and gave her a bad allergic reaction.”

    Woman: “And you’re all covered with bumps, too. Oh my god! Is she mute, too?”

    My Husband: “No, she can talk, but her throat is hurting her and her tongue is swollen.”

    (I even open my mouth to show her.)

    Woman: *freaked out* “Oh my god! She looks like a raspberry. Why haven’t you taken her to the doctor before now? She looks horrible!”

    My Husband: “Um…” *looks around the emergency room* “Well, it just happened this morning when she woke up. If it gets too severe, I’m sure the nurses will come out and give her an epi-shot or something.”

    Woman: “I hope they do. I can’t imagine going anywhere outside looking that bloated and blotchy. Don’t worry, honey; I’m sure you don’t look that bad when you look normal!”

    (As she says this, the woman pats my knee cautiously, like I’m going to give her some infection.)

    Woman: “Just… oh my god!”

    A Walk-In That Runs Out

    | NV, USA | Family & Kids, Health & Body, Liars & Scammers, Top

    (I work as a secretary in my husband’s practice. We don’t take walk-ins, and it’s clearly stated on the front door, but people still try to see him without an appointment. One day, someone comes in while my husband is out having lunch.)

    Walk-In: “Hi, can I see Dr. [Name]?”

    (I already suspect something, since my husband would never schedule appointments during his lunch break.)

    Me: “What time is your appointment?”

    Walk-In: “I don’t have one.”

    Me: “I’m sorry; we’re by appointment only.”

    Walk-In: “That’s okay; I’m his brother. He’s expecting me.”

    Me: “Really? He didn’t tell me anything of the sort.”

    Walk-In: “Well, you’re just a silly secretary. You don’t need to know that sort of thing. Can I go see him now?”

    Me: “You said you’re his brother?”

    Walk-In: “Yes!”

    Me: “Well, that’s funny. You don’t look the least bit like him.”

    Walk-In: “Everyone says that.”

    Me: “Really?”

    Walk-In: “Look, b****, I don’t have time for this. Just—”

    (At this point, my husband has returned from lunch and has just heard the walk-in’s slur.)

    My Husband: “Excuse me! Don’t speak to her that way.”

    (The walk-in turns around and looks my husband square in the face.)

    Walk-In: “Hey, mind your own business, moron. This doesn’t concern you, so butt out.”

    Me: “Actually, it does concern him. That’s the doctor.”

    (The walk-in goes white in the face. My husband crosses his arms.)

    My Husband: “And moreover, that’s my wife you’ve just insulted.”

    Me: *sweetly* “How did you say you were related, again?”

    The Height Of Unreason, Part 2

    | UK | Bizarre, Health & Body, Theme Of The Month

    (I am sitting in front of my computer trying to get on with work whilst my colleague is dealing with a patient. Another patient approaches the desk.)

    Me: “Hi there! How can I help today?”

    Patient: “You know, you really should grow taller. I could hardly see you over the desk.”

    (I go on to sign the patient in, and continue with my work. 10 minutes later, the patient comes back to the desk.)

    Patient: “You know, you’re still no taller; you really need to grow.”

    (I take the patient’s money, and she leaves.)

    Me: *to my colleague* “Did I just get told off for not growing any taller in the space of 10 minutes?”

    Colleague: “Erm, yes, I think you did.”

    Related:
    The Height of Unreason

    A Long Night Is In The Cards

    | PA, USA | At The Checkout, Health & Body, Money

    (I work night shift at a local chain convenience store, so I see many different people come in. One customer in particular is very drunk.)

    Me: “Hello, sir. How are you doing tonight?”

    (The customer just grunts and puts his items on the counter. I ring them up.)

    Me: “Okay, your total is [amount].”

    (The customer swipes his card.)

    Me: “Sir, your card was declined.”

    Customer: “Bull-s***! I know I have enough. Try it again!”

    (He proceeds to swipe it again and like before, it is declined.)

    Me: “Sir, it’s still declining.”

    Customer: “F***! Again!”

    (This repeats four more times, meanwhile a line has started to form behind him.)

    Me: “Sir, do you have another form of payment?”

    Customer: “I shouldn’t need it, because I have money on my f****** card!”

    (He goes through his wallet anyway. His face falls and then he starts laughing.)

    Me: “Sir?”

    Customer: “I was using the wrong d*** card! Here ya go.”

    (He hands me the card and I run it through. It’s approved, and his receipt prints.)

    Me: “Okay, sir. Have a good night!”

    (I smile as he grabs his bag and leaves. I turn to the next customer in line.)

    Next Customer: “Long night, huh?”

    Me: “You have no idea.”

    Don’t Be Forward, Just Lean Forward

    | Springfield, VA, USA | Books & Reading, Health & Body, Rude & Risque

    (A customer with rather large breasts approaches me.)

    Customer: “Excuse me; can you help me please?”

    Me: “Of course, ma’am. What can I help you find today?”

    Customer: “I’m looking for books about plastic surgery.”

    Me: “Ah, I see. Well, let’s just look on the computer and see what we can come up with. Do you have a particular area you’re interested in reading about?”

    Customer: “I bet you can’t guess!”

    Me: “I wouldn’t want to be forward!”

    Customer: “Well, breast reduction surgery, then. Shy, aren’t you?”

    Me: “Just a little, yes. Let’s see what I can find.”

    Customer: “I’m always having back problems! These are just too big; I want to see if I can get them smaller.”

    Me: “It’s probably best to check with a doctor first, but maybe we can find something that will help you know what questions to ask.”

    Customer: “Well, don’t you agree they’re too big?”

    Me: “Er, again, I wouldn’t like to be forward.”

    Customer: “Oh, come on. You can touch them and see how big they are for yourself!”

    Me: “WHAT!”

    Customer: “C’mon, touch ‘em!”

    (The customer reaches for my wrist.)

    Me: “No, that’s okay!”

    Customer: “TOUCH MY PUPPIES!”

    Me: “Let me see if I can find someone more experienced with this.”

    Customer: “Why won’t shy guys touch my breasts!?”


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