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    Category: Health & Body

    Stupid customers in stories are bad enough. However, dealing with a customer’s health issues may be hazardous to your own health! Please consult your doctor before continuing.

    Seeing Eye Dog

    | England, UK | Extra Stupid, Health & Body, Pets & Animals

    (I am serving on the counter of a small pharmacy on a busy Saturday. A middle aged lady approaches my desk.)

    Customer: “Hi. Can I get something for infected eyes, please?”

    Me: “Of course. When did the problems with your eyes begin?”

    Customer: “Oh, it’s not for me. It’s for my dog. His eyes looked really sore this morning!”

    Me: *slightly alarmed* “We don’t sell medicines for pets here, unfortunately. You would have to go a vet to get something for your dog.”

    Customer: “No, it’s fine. I give him human medicines all the time!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t sell you anything for your dog. I’m not allowed to do that, and what’s more, I wouldn’t want to cause him any harm.”

    Customer: “But… his eyes are the same size as human eyes!”

    All Smoke Where There Is No Fire

    | Madison, WI, USA | Bizarre, Criminal/Illegal, Health & Body

    (I volunteer as an EMT. This was one of the first calls I respond to.)

    Caller: “Please help! I can’t breathe!”

    Operator: “Yes, ma’am. Are you having an asthma attack?”

    Caller: “No, but I am about to! Those neighbors are frying chicken and the smoke is really bothering me! I can’t breathe! Please help!”

    Operator: “Okay, please go outside to get some air. We will dispatch an EMT crew to you.”

    (When we arrive, we discover the caller on her deck with a LIT CIGARETTE in her mouth, pacing back and forth.)

    Caller: “Finally! Someone to help me! I can’t breathe because of the horrible chicken smoke!”

    (The caller was taken to the ER for a check-up but, she was fine. Later I was told that she does this little trick often because she gets bored just sitting at home.)

    Inex-spews-able Behavior, Part 2

    | IL, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Health & Body

    (I am working in the box office during the day, when we are usually fairly slow. Because of this, I don’t mind waiting on customers to decide what show they want to see, provided they wait off to the side and don’t obstruct my line.)

    Customer #1: *walks in and stands directly in front of my register, looking at showtimes*

    Me: “Hello! How are you today?”

    Customer #1: *coughing and choking* “H-hi.” *hack* “I’m g-*hack*-good.”

    (She continues to stand there, coughing and occasionally retching. At this point, a second customer comes in and stands behind her, very patiently waiting for his turn.)

    Customer #1: “I’ll take *hack* one for *retch*…”

    (Customer #1 then proceeds to vomit all over my counter, leaving a huge puddle of phlegm right in front of the hole through which money and tickets are exchanged. My second customer, who has been trying not to look as disgusted as I feel, runs into the main building to inform the manager of what has happened, since I can’t use my radio with Customer #1 still standing there.)

    Customer #1: “Sorry. I’d like one ticket for—” *retches and spits up more vomit on the floor* “One for [Movie], please.”

    Me: *trying not to lose my own breakfast* “That’ll be [price], please…”

    (Customer #1 proceeds to hand me her rewards card and credit card over her own vomit puddle. I try to process the order without touching her cards more than necessary, and without sticking her ticket into the puddle.)

    Me: “Enjoy… enjoy your show.”

    Manager: *opening the door to the box office* “Are you okay, [My Name]?”

    Customer #1: “Yeah… Sorry.” *hack*

    Me: “Eww… Can I go wash my hands?”

    Manager: “Yeah, go ahead and go on break. I’ll clean this up…”

    (I didn’t realize it at the time, but my second customer was a regular that suffers from throat cancer and was unable to explain what had happened. He can’t speak, and doesn’t understand English very well, so he usually writes down the movie he wants to see. My manager thought that I was the one that had gotten sick!)

    Related:
    Inex-spews-able Behavior

    Putting The Pee Into Preparation

    | Sydney, NSW, Australia | Extra Stupid, Health & Body

    (I work in a radiology practice. I have just finished booking an appointment for a patient for the following day and am explaining the preparation procedure for his examination.)

    Me: “One hour prior to your appointment, you will need to drink six glasses of water and hold your bladder.”

    Patient: *nods slowly, but clearly does not understand*

    Me: “Do you understand the preparation, sir?”

    Patient: “Oh, yes. Yes, of course.” *nods vigorously*

    (Unconvinced, I write him an appointment card and explain the procedure again. A short while later, the patient returns.)

    Patient: “I, um, just have one question regarding that preparation.”

    Me: “Yes, drinking the water and holding the bladder.”

    Patient: “Yep. So, where do I get a bladder from? Can you just buy them from the chemist?”

    Me: “Sir, you already have a bladder. It’s a part of your urinary tract system. It’s an organ inside your body.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay! I get you! I get you! So… I don’t need to go to the chemist?”

    Going Barking Mad

    | Surrey, BC, Canada | Health & Body, Pets & Animals, Top

    (I am working the customer service counter at a local grocery store.)

    Customer: *puts a bag of dog food on the counter* “I’d like to return this.”

    Me: “Certainly. Was there anything wrong with it?”

    Customer: “No. I’m pregnant, and I’m losing my mind. I have a cat.”

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