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    Category: Health & Body

    Stupid customers in stories are bad enough. However, dealing with a customer’s health issues may be hazardous to your own health! Please consult your doctor before continuing.

    Forgive The Pun(tang)

    | Corvallis, OR, USA | Funny Names, Health & Body, Rude & Risque

    (I am working as a phone operator at the hospital. Usually people call me and I connect them to different parts of the hospital.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Hospital]. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yeah. Can you connect me to the ‘vaginacologist’ please?”

    (I knew what she wanted but was stunned because I have never heard anyone say that before.)

    Me: “You mean, the gynecologist office?”

    Caller: “I don’t know what they are called. Whoever is in charge of looking at my ‘hoo haw!’”

    Tray And Tray Again

    | PA, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Health & Body

    (The bagel and sandwich shop I work at switches from disposable paper plates to re-washable plastic trays for our ‘for here’ orders. We haven’t been supplied with an exceedingly large amount of the trays. Many of our customers end up dumping them in the trash when they’re finished.)

    Boss: “[Me]! Grab some plastic bags and gloves, and follow me outside.”

    Me: “Okay, what are we doing?”

    Boss: “Trash diving.”

    Me: “…”

    (He’s not kidding. We triple bag our shoes and jump in the dumpster to cut through our trash and fish out as many trays as we can. We manage to find nearly three dozen in among eight trash bags.)

    Me: “[Boss], I want a raise.”

    Boss: “I’ll think about it.”

    (Later, fed up with more trays disappearing, the Boss brings in a role of caution tape. He uses it to tape a tray onto the push-door of each of our trash cans. Then he secures another tray to the area where trays are supposed to be left. The end result is a VERY obvious visual giving the message of, “Don’t throw away these trays, place them HERE!”)

    Boss: “OKAY! So, how long do you think it’s going to be before another customer throws a tray away?”

    Me: “People are pretty stupid. I wouldn’t be surprised if the first one does.”

    Boss: “Seriously, right?”

    (Sure enough, a few minutes later a customer gets up to leave. She goes to toss her trash and gets caught up as she sees the taped tray to the door. We watch as she slowly looks at the trash can, then up to the tray-receptacle, then back down to the trash can. Then she dumps it all, tray included, into the trash can. My boss throws a silent fit until the customer leaves. We all crack up at him as he rushes out front to dig the tray out of the trash.)

    Boss: “I GIVE UP ON PEOPLE!”

    Certified Or Certifiable?

    | Pasadena, MD, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Health & Body, Theme Of The Month

    (A few weeks ago I accidentally stabbed myself in the hand, between my thumb and index finger. Though it has healed, I have a scar, and it still hurts quite a bit if I hit it on anything. A customer has purchased a battery operated device. Store policy is to put batteries in it to make sure it works before they leave. I go to put batteries in but the cap slips out of my hand and manages to hit my scar.)

    Me: “Ouch!”

    Customer: “What happened?”

    Me: “Oh, sorry. The cap hit the scar on my hand.”

    Customer: “How’d you get it?”

    Me: “Oh, I was at my other job, when I accidentally stabbed my hand. It healed pretty quickly with no infection. So, it’s all better now.”

    Customer: “Why would you do that?”

    Me: “What?”

    Customer: “Why would you stab yourself?”

    Me: *joking* “Well, it just seemed like such a good idea at the time.”

    Customer: “You shouldn’t do that! You should see someone about your issues right away!”

    Me: “Um, it was an accident. I didn’t do it on purpose.”

    Customer: “You shouldn’t lie to cover up your problems. Here take my card. I’m certified for these kinds of things.”

    Me: “No, thank you. It really was an accident. I was just joking earlier.”

    Customer: “Nonsense! I demand that we set up an appointment. I’m going to help you. I’m certified for these kinds of things.”

    Me: *sigh* “….so you said.”

    Customer: “Good. Now, how does meeting me at [address] at 2 pm tomorrow sound?”

    (I am defeated, and am just trying to get this customer out of my store.)

    Me: “Sure, sounds just fine.”

    Customer: “Okay! See you then. And don’t worry, we will help you with your issues. Just don’t do anything too bad before we meet again!”

    (The customer walks off smiling. I never went to that meeting, although I did give my boss a heads up if a crazy woman came asking for me.)

    Her Heart Is Just Not In It

    | Sheffield, England, UK | At The Checkout, Health & Body

    (A well-dressed, middle-aged lady comes to my till.)

    Me: “Hello there, how can I help?”

    Customer: “Just a packet of ten [Brand Cigarettes] please, dear.”

    (I go to the cabinet, find the cigarettes, scan them, and hand them to the customer. She stares at the packet.)

    Customer: “Oh, no, dear. I don’t think I’d like this packet.”

    Me: “That’s okay, madam. Which brand would you like instead?”

    Customer: “No, I mean I don’t like this packet. Could I have another please?”

    (The customer gestures to the health message on the packet, which reads ‘Smoking causes throat cancer.’ It comes with a rather graphic picture.)

    Me: “Oh okay, how about this one?”

    (I hand the customer a packet labeled ‘Smokers die young.’)

    Customer: “No… no, not this one either I’m afraid.”

    Me: “Okay, madam. How about ‘Smoking harms both yourself and others around you’?”

    Customer: “No, I don’t like that one.”

    Me: “’Smoking causes heart disease’?”

    Customer: “…no.”

    Me: “‘Smoking can cause impotence’?”

    Customer: *after a pause* “…yes. Yes, okay. I’ll have that one.”

    Totally Nuts

    | USA | Bizarre, Health & Body, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

    (I work in the produce department of a large chain supermarket. As usual, greeting customers as they come in is a pretty common experience and the response is almost always the same. However, tonight, you could say, was a change of pace.)

    Me: “Hi, sir, how are you today?”

    Guy: “It’s cold as h*** in here! Is your nut-sack shriveled up in your belly like mine is?”


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