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    Category: Health & Body

    Stupid customers in stories are bad enough. However, dealing with a customer’s health issues may be hazardous to your own health! Please consult your doctor before continuing.

    His Wife Will Have Hell Toupee

    | IN, USA | Bizarre, Health & Body, Spouses & Partners

    (I work in the vault room, handling the deposits that local businesses put in the drop box throughout the night. One morning, before I even have a chance to open the night drop, my phone rings. It is an internal number that only bank employees can dial. I answer, and on the other end is one of the operators from the 24-hour call center.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Bank]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

    Operator: “Yes, this is [Name] in the call center. I have a customer on the line that insisted I transfer him to you immediately. I tried to explain that your branch doesn’t open for another hour, but he insisted it was an emergency. Do you want to take the call, or should I have him call back?”

    Me: “No, don’t have him call back. I’m here, so I’ll take it.”

    Operator: “Thank you. I’ll put him through.”

    (After I hear the tell-tale ‘click’ of the operator putting the customer on the line, I continue.)

    Me: “Sir, thank you for calling. This is [My Name]. The call center operator said you had an emergency. How can I help you this morning?”

    Caller: “I need my hair back!”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Caller: “Oh, for crying out loud! Fine. I need my hair back, please!”

    Me: “No, sir, I wasn’t asking you to say please. I was making sure I heard you correctly. Did you say you need your hair back?”

    Caller: “Yes, I did! I need my hair back, and I KNOW you have it!”

    Me: “Sir, I have no idea what you are talking about.”

    Caller: “My hair! Give me my hair back!”

    Me: “Please, calm down. Can you explain to me what you mean?”

    Caller: “My d*** wife. She ripped my hair off and now you have it. I want it back, and I want it back NOW! I’m right outside your bank, and I need my hair back!”

    (I look at my monitor, which displays a cycling image of all of the security cameras since the vault room has no windows. Sure enough, I see a man in our parking lot pacing back and forth in front of our door with a baseball cap on. I glance at my watch. It is only 7 am, and there are only two employees here. The rest of the employees won’t be in for half an hour and the lobby will not open until 8 am.)

    Me: “Okay, sir. I see you outside, but I am afraid that we do not open for another hour. On top of that, I still don’t know what you are talking about.”

    Caller: “For crying out loud! Are you stupid?! That b**** took my hair and I want it back!”

    Me: “Sir, please do not insult me or use that kind of language. I’d be happy to help you if you could just calm down and explain yourself.”

    Caller: *takes a deep breath and answers more calmly* “Okay. Last night, my wife and I were dropping off the deposit for my business. She was screaming at me in the car, accusing me of cheating on her, all because I hired a teenage girl to work the front counter of our store. She was mad and screaming at me the whole time. My wife dropped the deposit in the box. Then she yelled ‘let’s see if your new girlfriend likes you bald!’, ripped my toupee off my head, and put it in your drop box. I am leaving her today, but I need my hair back. Please, can I have my hair back?”

    Me: *feeling sorry for the guy* “Okay, sir, I understand. I haven’t opened the night drop yet, and I can’t until another employee gets here in about half an hour. When she does, I will open the night drop and look for your hair. There is a [donut shop] across the street. Maybe you could go get some coffee, maybe some breakfast, and I could call you back when I get the night drop open?”

    Caller: *noticeably calmer* “That would be fine. Thank you! I really need my hair! I’ve had it with that shrew. Every time she sees me even say hello to a younger woman she screams that I must be cheating on her and she does something to my toupee. This is the fourth one she’s tried to destroy or get rid of!”

    Me: “I understand, sir. I will call you back as soon as I can.”

    (The caller gives me his cell phone number, and I watch on the security monitor as he gets in his car and drives off. Half an hour later my coworker arrives and I relate the entire story to her as we open the night drop, which requires two people to do. As I expected, on top of the other deposit bags is a toupee, adhesive still attached to the underside of it. I call the customer back, tell him I have his hair, and tell him that if he comes to the front door I will give it back to him. When he gets back to the bank, he is carrying three large boxes of donuts.)

    Caller: “Here, these donuts are for you. You have been so nice to me, even after I yelled at you. I am sorry for that. I was taking out the anger I have toward my vicious harpy of a wife on you, and that was wrong. Please, share these with your coworkers.”

    Me: “Oh! Well, thank you, sir!”

    (We exchanged packages. I took the donuts, he took his hair, and we parted ways. Less than a week later I did discovered that he had closed his joint accounts, opened up sole accounts in just his name, and that his address was now different than his wife’s. Guess you shouldn’t mess with a man’s toupee!)

    Not A Hair Out Of Place

    | Austin, TX, USA | Bigotry, Health & Body

    (I work as a driver for a car rental office. I pick up customers from their homes, or from the local service centers and body shops, and return them to the same locations when they return the car. I am male and have worn my hair long for nearly ten years. During this trip, I am returning a customer home. His head is shaved. After making small talk for a few minutes, he asks a question.)

    Customer: “So, why do you have your hair like that? You look like a f****** f**.”

    Me: “Well, sir. I’ve been blessed with the ability to grow thick, healthy hair, so I grow it out, and once a year I cut it off and donate it to ‘Locks Of Love.’ They take it and make wigs for kids with cancer, who DON’T have the ability to grow their hair anymore thanks to chemo.”

    (There is silence in the car for a few minutes.)

    Customer: “Hey, I’m sorry about before. I actually lost my son to cancer a couple years ago. I shaved my head to match his, and I keep it shaved to remember him…”

    Health Conscious Mosquitoes Source Their Food

    | Dominican Republic | Extra Stupid, Health & Body, Tourists/Travel

    (My wife and I are on vacation in a resort. We just had a ‘new arrivals’ meeting, and were told about possible malaria infection from mosquitoes. We both took the appropriate medication before traveling, but not everyone agrees that it is indeed necessary.)

    Tourist: “Taking that medication is not necessary you know. I should know, since I work for [our country's health regulation service]. Every person that has contracted malaria while on holiday here was from [a certain province]. Since we are from [another province] there are absolutely no risk!”

    (We laughed so hard we had to leave the room, and are still wondering how the mosquitoes manage to determine the province of origin of the tourist they are about to feast on…)

    Suddenly Not Feeling So Hot

    | NC, USA | Funny Names, Health & Body

    (The male in this story is a regular customer who has become a really good friend. Working the door at a Gentlemen’s Club, I have to use a fake name at work. When at work, the regular customer refuses to call me by my fake name, which is ‘Jessica.’)

    Regular: “Sandy! How’s Monday going?”

    Me: “Okay, slow, but the name’s not Sandy. That’s not even my real name. You know that.”

    Regular: “I know. You’re just… not a Jessica. I can’t call you Jessica.”

    Me: “What exactly makes me ‘not a Jessica’?”

    Regular: *pauses* “Well, because I know another Jessica, and she’s really hot.”

    Me: “…”

    Regular: “I gotta go study. See you later!”

    Club Manager: *over radio* “Did he… did he really just say that?”

    Piercing Judgments, Part 4

    | PA, USA | Bigotry, Health & Body, Religion

    (I am delivering oxygen to a new patient at their home. It is mid-summer and I am wearing a short sleeve work shirt. I have tattoos visible on both arms and hands as well as the front of my neck. I also have three piercings in each earlobe as well as my septum and three in my lower lip. There are all currently being filled by clear spacers. I also have shoulder length hair, a long full beard, stand 6’4″, and am clearly a biker. Generally, patients are a little timid at first when they see me but once they speak to me they are generally more at ease with my appearance and demeanor.)

    Me: “Will that be it for you today, ma’am?”

    Woman: “Why don’t you have any religious tattoos?”

    Me: “Pardon me, ma’am?”

    Woman: “Why don’t you have any religious tattoos like the saints or scriptures?”

    Me: “Well, I suppose because I don’t actively practice any religion, ma’am.”

    Woman: “Those things might be acceptable if they were religious.”

    Me: “I’ll agree to disagree, ma’am, but then I have to ask, why don’t you have any religious tattoos?”

    Woman: “Because the bible says to alter your body’s appearance is a sin! Leviticus says it.”

    Me: “I am somewhat familiar with the passages you are referring to, but if you believe that, then why would you ask why I don’t have any religious tattoos, when the bible says that tattoos are a sin?”

    Woman: “Well, you are obviously going to go to Hell for your sins, but I thought if you had some scripture instead of those other things you might be forgiven and get to walk with Jesus.”

    Related:
    Piercing Judgments, Part 3
    Piercing Judgments, Part 2
    Piercing Judgments


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