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    Category: Health & Body

    Stupid customers in stories are bad enough. However, dealing with a customer’s health issues may be hazardous to your own health! Please consult your doctor before continuing.

    Sadly They Aren’t Cracking A Joke

    | St. George, UT, USA | Bizarre, Health & Body, Theme Of The Month

    (I work in customer service at a very large store. One day a customer comes up to me looking very upset and holding his cell phone in his hand.)

    Customer: “I need to see a manager.”

    Me: “Certainly! I’ll call them over now. May I ask what you need to see a manager for?”

    Customer: “I need to file a complaint about an employee.”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll call the manager over now.”

    (The manager takes the customer to the side to talk, but I can still hear them.)

    Manager: “What can I do for you?”

    Customer: “I was browsing your store when I saw an employee stocking shelves. His butt was hanging out of his pants. Look!”

    (The customer holds up his phone, and he has actually taken a picture of my coworker’s butt crack hanging out of his pants!)

    Manager: *stifling laughter* “I’ll talk to that employee and make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

    (He never talked to said employee.)

    Can’t Stand Up But Can Do Stand-Up

    | USA | Health & Body, Hotels & Lodging

    (I am a male in my late teens working as the receptionist at a guesthouse in a very quiet, small coastal town. I have a muscle disease and use a manual wheelchair, but I’m behind a desk all day and guests don’t usually notice. An older woman comes up to check out and seeing that the printer is out of paper, I move away from the desk to get more from the closet.)

    Me: “So, ma’am, how was your stay with—”

    Guest: *pity tone that I’ve heard many times before* “Oh no! Oh, honey, what happened to you?”

    Me: *smiling and trying to joke* “Nothing. I just ran out of paper. But don’t worry. We have more.”

    Guest: *very serious* “No, I meant… How did…” *whispering* “Was it a car accident? One of those awful drunk drivers?”

    Me: “Uh, no, actually, it wasn’t. If I could just please ask you to sign—”

    Guest: “Oh, it just breaks my heart. You’re a very brave young man.”

    (As this is happening, another guest wanders into the room to look at the bookshelves we keep stocked for the guests and overhears everything.)

    Me: *still smiling and trying to keep it light* “Ma’am, I’m really not, I promise. I just print receipts and answer the phone. Nothing too brave there.”

    Guest: “But surely you shouldn’t be working in your condition! Your parents must be so worried!”

    Me: “They’re really not, honestly. They raised me to be pretty independent, so when I told them I wanted to find a summer job, they just said ‘cool, give it a shot.’”

    Guest: *apparently TOTALLY mishearing me, looks horrified* “You were SHOT?!”

    Me: “I, wha…?”

    (At this point my coworker, who’s my age and the owner’s daughter, comes down the stairs and hears the last part. She’s petite and usually very quiet and shy around guests.)

    Coworker: “Yeah, and that’ll teach him to show up late again. Next time I’m takin’ a hand.”

    (She points threateningly at me, making a ‘gun’ with her fingers. I’m stunned, as she only ever jokes with me in private, but immediately play along and cringe as if scared of her.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, I won’t! Have mercy!”

    (The guest looks absolutely shocked, and behind her the other guest is nearly doubled over with silent laughter.)

    Guest: “That’s– I don’t– not something to joke about!”

    (She quickly grabs her receipt and suitcase and nearly runs out the door.)

    Me: *to coworker, laughing* “You know, I can’t tell if she actually thought you shot me or was just upset that you made a joke about my tragic ‘condition.’”

    Coworker: *deadpan* “She totally thought that. I’m really scary.”

    Me: “Oh, I know.”

    Other Guest: “I’m gonna leave you guys a great review online. I wasn’t expecting a complimentary comedy show when I made my reservation.”

    Coworker: *still deadpan* “It’s not complimentary.”

    Dilate It Down A Little

    | Aurora, CO, USA | Health & Body, Hotels & Lodging, Theme Of The Month

    (I’m nine months pregnant, on literally my last week before maternity leave, working the front desk. I have just checked into his room an older man, about 55 to 60 years old.)

    Guest: *turning to go fetch his suitcase from the car* “Oh, and, are you pregnant?”

    Me: “Yup. I’m due March 6th.”

    Guest: “So, are you dilated yet?”

    Underwear Scare

    | Duluth, MN, USA | Bad Behavior, Health & Body, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

    Customer: “Excuse me? I need to get some underwear. I know what I want, but I can’t find it.”

    Me: “Certainly, ma’am. Can you describe the brand to me?”

    Customer: “Well, actually, I’m wearing it right now. Could you just look at it and tell me if you have it?”

    (At this point, in the middle of the sales floor, she literally UNZIPS her pants, pushes them down a little, and pulls out the tag.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I am really not comfortable doing this. If you could go into a fitting room and write down the information on the tag, I would be happy to help you.”

    Customer: “No, just read the tag! It’s right here!”

    (I’m backing away, and she actually manages to CORNER me.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I would have to touch your underwear in order to do that. I’m really not comfortable with that while it’s ON YOUR BODY.”

    Customer: “I don’t see what the big deal is! REACH IN THERE AND READ THE TAG!”

    Me: *squinting and pretending to read, lying through my teeth* “You know what? I think we discontinued that brand a while back. We don’t have this anymore.”

    Customer: “Oh really? That’s a shame. I always liked this underwear.”

    Me: “Yeah, ma’am. I’m sorry.”

    Customer: “Well… have you met Jesus yet?”

    They Just Can’t Cut the Mustard

    | FL, USA | Bizarre, Health & Body, Rude & Risque, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (I’m working the copy desk when a customer walks in.)

    Me: “Can I help you, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like to print some photos on my flash drive.”

    (She hands it to me.)

    Me: “Alrighty. I’ll just hook it up and we can go from there.”

    (I connect the flash drive to my computer and open the folder for it, to find that there is only one photo on it: a photo of the customer naked and rubbing ketchup and mustard on her large belly.)

    Me: “Uh…”

    Customer: “Yes, that one. I want it blown up to poster size, and I want 100 copies of that.”

    Me: “I’m afraid it’s against our company policy to print, er, photos of an explicit nature, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Really? Oh, darn. Well, do you at least like the picture?”

    Me: “Uh…”

    Customer: “Then it was worth it to come here after all!”

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