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    Category: Health & Body

    Stupid customers in stories are bad enough. However, dealing with a customer’s health issues may be hazardous to your own health! Please consult your doctor before continuing.

    One Is In Sickness, The Other Is in Health

    | France | Bad Behavior, Bizarre, Health & Body, Spouses & Partners

    (I am returning to a patient after we have received a call from his worried wife.)

    Me: “Okay. So, we got your wife on the phone—”

    Patient: “Which one?”

    Me: “Which one what?”

    Patient: “Which wife. I have two at the moment. She didn’t say her name?”

    Me: “… No. She just said she was your wife.”

    Patient: “D***.”

    Me: “…”

    Me: “Well, at least one of your wives is worried about you, sir.”

    Green Eyes Don’t Get You The Green

    | TN, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Bizarre, Health & Body, Money

    (I am keying in banking and income information for a customer who really wants to borrow 200 dollars.)

    Me: “Congratulations! You’ve been approved for $150 today!”

    Customer: “Oh, man! Thanks! Did you know you have the most beautiful green eyes I’ve ever seen, young lady?”

    Me: “Thank you so much, but our loans are computer generated amounts based on your income and banking information. I can’t approve for more than the $150.”

    Customer: “Oh. Well, they aren’t that pretty after all.”

    Me: *just staring at him* “Umm?”

    Customer: “That came out wrong.”

    Glad They Nipped That One In The Bud

    | NJ, USA | Extra Stupid, Health & Body, Pets & Animals

    (A male customer comes up to me and shows me a male dog’s belly. Note that I am a rather young woman.)

    Customer: “What are those bumps on his belly?”

    Me: “Those are nipples.”

    Customer: “But I thought you said it was a boy.”

    Me: “He is a boy.”

    Customer: *horrified* “So why does he have nipples?”

    Me: “All mammals have nipples, sir. Don’t you?”

    Customer: “I… I guess you’re right.”

    (The customer turns six shades of red and walks away. This is not the first time that exact exchange has transpired.)

    Seeing Eye Dog

    | England, UK | Extra Stupid, Health & Body, Pets & Animals

    (I am serving on the counter of a small pharmacy on a busy Saturday. A middle aged lady approaches my desk.)

    Customer: “Hi. Can I get something for infected eyes, please?”

    Me: “Of course. When did the problems with your eyes begin?”

    Customer: “Oh, it’s not for me. It’s for my dog. His eyes looked really sore this morning!”

    Me: *slightly alarmed* “We don’t sell medicines for pets here, unfortunately. You would have to go a vet to get something for your dog.”

    Customer: “No, it’s fine. I give him human medicines all the time!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t sell you anything for your dog. I’m not allowed to do that, and what’s more, I wouldn’t want to cause him any harm.”

    Customer: “But… his eyes are the same size as human eyes!”

    All Smoke Where There Is No Fire

    | Madison, WI, USA | Bizarre, Criminal/Illegal, Health & Body

    (I volunteer as an EMT. This was one of the first calls I respond to.)

    Caller: “Please help! I can’t breathe!”

    Operator: “Yes, ma’am. Are you having an asthma attack?”

    Caller: “No, but I am about to! Those neighbors are frying chicken and the smoke is really bothering me! I can’t breathe! Please help!”

    Operator: “Okay, please go outside to get some air. We will dispatch an EMT crew to you.”

    (When we arrive, we discover the caller on her deck with a LIT CIGARETTE in her mouth, pacing back and forth.)

    Caller: “Finally! Someone to help me! I can’t breathe because of the horrible chicken smoke!”

    (The caller was taken to the ER for a check-up but, she was fine. Later I was told that she does this little trick often because she gets bored just sitting at home.)

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