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  • Bigotry Is Not On The Menu
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  • Category: Geeks Rule

    Whether you call them geeks, nerds, or dorks, we’re proud to call the masters of all that is obtuse and purveyors of hopelessly inane facts and fiction our friends. From Trekkies and Sith Lords to Muggles and Team Jacob (okay, Edward too), this category is dedicated to stories about those who rise above cool — and will probably end up ruling the world!

    Out Bat-ter Angels

    | NY, USA | Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Geeks Rule, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I work at a hospital. Every week, we host an event where volunteers come in and entertain some of the sick children. On this particular day, most of the volunteers are dressed up as superheroes.)

    Superman: “Who wants me to see if I can pull a penny out of their nose?”

    Child #1: *in a wheelchair* “Me! Me!”

    Superman: *doing his magic trick* “I’m afraid I can’t. All I could find were all these quarters!”

    (Superman magically pulls out a quarter and gives it to Child #1. A few minutes later, Child #1 returns.)

    Child #1: “Superman! Superman! I bought candy with the money you found! This one’s for you.”

    (At this point, one of two volunteers dressed as Spiderman speaks up.)

    Spiderman #1: “Where’d he get that candy?”

    Child #2: “There’s a vending machine in the hallway.”

    Spiderman #1: “They let you buy candy? That’s not healthy.”

    Spiderman #2: “I’m sure the nurses here are aware of what the kids eat.”

    Child #2: “It’s true. They’re really strict.”

    Spiderman #1: “It’s just not healthy…”

    (Meanwhile, Superman is continuing his trick.)

    Superman: “…and another one in the left ear, and another one in the right ear. Wait! I haven’t checked your nose for quarters yet.”

    Child #3: *after Superman’s finished* “What kind of candy do you want, Superman?”

    Superman: “Don’t worry about me, kid. I’m Superman! Superman can make candy with his mind.”

    Child #3: “Nuh uh! I saw the movie!”

    Superman: “Oh yeah? Watch this!”

    (He closes his eyes and concentrations hard, then pretends to catch something out of the air.)

    Superman: “Ah-ha! Chocolate!”

    Spiderman #1: “Don’t give her that. They get too much sugar.”

    Nurse: “It’s fine, sir.”

    Spiderman #1: “No!”

    (All of a sudden, Spiderman #1 grabs the chocolate from Superman, throws it on the floor, and stomps on it. He’s clearly out of control and scaring the children.)

    Spiderman #1: “Food like that will just keep you sick! They just want you to stay here and keep buying their s****y candy to keep you sick so they can get your money! They just—”

    (At that moment, a man dressed as Batman appears with his cape wrapped around him. Surprised, Spiderman #1 begins stuttering.)

    Spiderman #1: “Uh… what do you want?”

    Batman: *in a deep voice* “I want this hospital to be a place of hope. I want these children to enjoy their lives. I want the forces of darkness forever beaten.”

    (He drops the cloak, revealing the police uniform underneath it.)

    Batman: *cuffs Spiderman #1* “I want justice!”

    (The children all cheer, relieved. A month later, one of the children who has been in the hospital for a very long time is getting ready to leave. When someone asks him what his favorite memory of the volunteer nights was, he says…)

    Child: “When crazy Spiderman went crazy and Batman took off his costume and he was an actually real hero and made crazy Spiderman go away!”

    Oh, Dear God, It’s Growing Bigger

    | Atlanta, GA, USA | Geeks Rule, Rude & Risque

    (I am selling t-shirts at Dragon*Con, a very large media/SF convention in Atlanta. One of our most popular shirts is one with, “This is my Boomstick” emblazoned on the front, with an outline of Ash from the Evil Dead movies. As we are very busy, I’m in the habit of glancing at the shirt and asking the customer for the size to make checkout faster.)

    Me: “…and what size is your boomstick, sir?”

    Customer #1: “Large.”

    Me: “I can’t believe I said that. Sorry.”

    Customer #1: “Um, okay.”

    Customer #2: *hands me money* “Just to let you know, MY boomstick is extra-large!”

    Teaching A Righteous Dimwit Is Stressful

    , | USA | Geeks Rule, Language & Words

    (My friend and I are really big Doctor Who fans, and we are also crafty. One day, she makes me a T.A.R.D.I.S. bracelet out of duct tape. FYI: the T.A.R.D.I.S. is the Doctor’s transport and is in the shape of big, blue police box. I am working in the drive-thru when this took place.)

    Me: “Hello, that is going to be [price].”

    Customer: *hands me her money*

    Me: “Your change is [amount].”

    Customer: “What an interesting bracelet!”

    Me: “Oh, thank you. A friend of mine made it.”

    Customer: “What is it supposed to be?”

    (I’m holding my hand out so that she can take a better look at it.)

    Me: “It’s a Tardis.”

    Customer: *blank look*

    Me: “Ma’am?”

    Customer: “That is just terrible!”

    Me: “Huh?”

    Customer: “Using the ‘R’ word isn’t bad enough for you kids? Now you have to come up with some slang term? That is terrible!”

    Me: “The… ‘R’ word?”

    Customer: “RETARD!”

    Me: “Ma’am, the Tardis is a shop from a sci-fi show… not slang for retard.”

    Customer: “Don’t you give me any excuses, little missy. You are in a lot of trouble. Wearing something to promote calling retards retarded is despicable. I need to speak to your manager!”

    (Despite trying to explain otherwise, my manager had to give her a free coupon to keep her from calling corporate to complain. I also can’t wear the bracelet to work anymore. It sometimes sucks being a nerdy girl in a small town.)

    Fortunately For Us Both, I Like Crazy

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | Awesome Customers, Geeks Rule, Rude & Risque, Top

    (I work in the “exotic phone call” industry. Most customers know they’re paying a lot of money for the call, so they don’t play games. But, every once in awhile, I get calls that even I find strange.)

    Caller: “Oooh, hey, what’s your name?”

    Me: “You can just call me ‘Candy.'”

    Caller: “Oh, no, I’m diabetic. Can I call you something else?”

    Me: “Well, my special callers call me ‘Silk,’ because I’m so smooth.”

    Caller: “Hmm, no. I don’t like silk… or satin.”

    Me: “Well, how ’bout this? What do you wanna call me?”

    Caller: “Err… Cortana? Like, from Halo?”

    Me: “Really? I LOVE Halo!”

    (In the end, this caller and I talked about the Halo franchise for roughly three hours without discussing anything even remotely dirty. It was the most enjoyable call I’d taken all month. To show my appreciation for the conversation, I took 50% off of his bill.)

    The Cosplayer Is Always Right

    | Madrid, Spain | Awesome Customers, Food & Drink, Geeks Rule, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (Our Japanese restaurant is near a school that annually hosts an anime convention. So, it’s fairly common to have cosplayers among our customers at the time of the con. The owner is okay with it as long as they don’t annoy the other customers. On this day, we seat twelve cosplayers and, later, I seat three young customers near them.)

    Young Customer #1: “What is this? Why are those guys costumed?”

    Me: “Oh, there’s a large anime convention ongoing at the local school. It’s rather common to see them at the times of the gathering.”

    Young Customer #1: *chuckles* “Yeah, what a bunch of dorks.”

    Young Customer #2: “Total nerds.”

    (Since there are no other free tables and they didn’t pre-order a table, they sit near the cosplayers while mocking them under their breath. In the meantime, a cosplayer of Pikachu is talking somewhat loudly on his phone.)

    Young Customer #2: *waves at me* “Hey, you! Tell those dorks to shut up!”

    Halo Cosplayer: “Oh, I’m sorry, sir.” *to ‘Pikachu’* “Dude, not so loud. You’re bothering people.”

    Pikachu Cosplayer: “What? Oh, sorry to bother you guys.” *starts talking again, but much quieter*

    Young Customer #3: “Yeah, that’s right. Shut up, you virgin nerd!”

    Young Customer #1: “Go back to the library, virgins!”

    (At this point, I warn the owner about the behavior of the younger customers. He immediately goes to their table.)

    Owner: “What seems to be the problem?”

    Young Customer #1: “It’s not our fault. Those nerds started to insult us! We’re not going to stay here and do nothing!”

    Owner: “My staff told me the contrary, actually.”

    Young Customer #3: “What?! That b***h waitress is lying!”

    Owner: “Sir, I won’t allow you to insult my staff or customers. Those cosplayers were extremely polite and quiet during their meals, unlike you. If someone must be thrown out, it’s you.”

    (In the blink of an eye, one of the young customers gets up and tries to grab the owner. However, to our surprise, one of the cosplayers playing Batman grabs him by the hair, slams him on the table and holds him still.)

    Young Customer #1: “OW! That f***ing hurts! Who the f*** do you think you are, you motherf***er?!”

    Batman Cosplayer: *in a raspy tone* “I am vengeance. I am the night. I am… Batman.”

    (The two other customers begin to yell, but quickly shut up when all the cosplayers get up and surround them, showing that most of them are clearly larger than them. The mall security arrests the bad customers, and the cosplayers leave after apologizing for the trouble. However, it’s not before we snap a picture with them. Now, we frequently joke about that time when Batman, Pikachu and Master Chief saved the restaurant!)

    The Costumer Is Always Right

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