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    Category: Food & Drink

    Stupid Customers, like the rest of us have to eat and drink. Sadly like the rest of us, they sometimes eat with the rest of us. For every waiter, server, drive-thru operator, coffee shop barista, and restaurant manager who has had to deal with fake allergies, vegetarians who don’t know the meaning of the word and idiots who have yet to understand the concept of clearly listed ingredients, we salute you!

    The Signature Of Inebriation

    | Sea Isle City, NJ, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink

    (I work at a late-night restaurant that caters to the people who come for food when the surrounding bars close for the night. A customer comes in who has drunk a little too much.)

    Customer: “Do you accept credit cards?”

    Me: “Yes, we do.”

    (I swipe the credit card, and it is approved.)

    Me: “Now, if you could just sign here, you’re all set.”

    Customer: “What am I supposed to sign?”

    Me: “The cardholder’s name.”

    Customer: “Okay, thanks.”

    (She then proceeds to draw a picture of a naked lady—complete with large boobs—where her signature should be.)

    Me: “Uh” ma’am, I don’t think this is a valid signature.”

    Customer: “Just try it; it’ll work!”

    (I put it through, and the machine accepts the signature!)

    Me: “Wow, I guess you’re right!”

    Customer: “I need to stop drinking so much!”

    (She leaves me a $15 tip on a $25 bill! That is why I love working the late-night shift!)

    Order(s) Out Of Disorder

    | CA, USA | Bad Behavior, Food & Drink

    (It’s 8:30 pm on a very slow Monday night, so my manager has sent everyone home except me and another server. Suddenly, we get slammed. Within 20 minutes I have over 20 tables. While I’m doing my best, about half my tables still need to be greeted, much less have their orders taken.)

    Customer: “We need refills. It’s been like twenty minutes since you came over here last. We’re all done with our food and we’ve needed refills this whole time!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir; I’ll be back in one second with those refills, okay?”

    (I get the tables refilled, despite the fact that I have to ring in four other tables and check out three of them. Because I am so busy, I make a mistake and give him a regular soda like his friends instead of the diet soda he wants. After dropping them off and trying to attend to the outrageous amount of other guests needing me, he begins yelling for me.)

    Customer: “HEY! LADY! WE NEED YOU OVER HERE NOW!”

    (I look sympathetically at the couple I am currently taking the order for.)

    Me: “I am so sorry about this; I will be right back.”

    Couple: “Oh, don’t worry about it; we do understand. It’s crazy in here!”

    (I hastily run to the shouting customer. He shoves the cup against my chest, sloshing soda on me and the floor.)

    Customer: “Can I get a DIET soda this time? DIET? DI-ET, as in NOT REGULAR?”

    (The shouting customer’s wife has been looking embarrassed during the whole exchange. She suddenly pipes up.)

    Customer’s Wife: “SIT. DOWN!”

    (The customer sits immediately, fuming. I refill his diet soda quickly, trying to ignore the cold soda all over me.)

    Me: “Here you go, sir; I’m very sorry about that.”

    Customer’s Wife: “Thank you so much dear. Whenever you get a chance, we’d like the bill. Take your time.”

    (Trying not to cry, I take care of some other customers, including the poor couple I had to run away from, and then print their bill out. The husband does not look at me or talk to me again the rest of the time.)

    Customer’s Wife: “You were an amazing waitress, honey. Thank you.”

    (The wife left me a 30% tip, and the other couple dropped a $20 bill for my tip on top of their small, $20 tag.)

    A Large Order Of Lazy With A Side Order Of Crazy

    | Levittown, PA, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

    (It is the Friday before Christmas. Our restaurant has received a large amount of catering orders for office parties. A customer orders 50 breaded wings to be delivered at lunch time. About an hour after the food is sent, the customer calls back.)

    Customer: “This is [name], from [company]. I’m calling about our lunch order.”

    Me: “Okay, I see here in our system that you received your food about an hour ago. Was there an issue with the food?”

    Customer: “Yes there was!”

    Me: “I’m so sorry to hear that. What exactly was the problem?”

    Customer: “THE SAUCE WAS ON THE SIDE!”

    Me: “Pardon?”

    Customer: “The d*** sauce for the wings was on the side, not on the wings! This is disgusting!”

    Me: “Well, I’m so sorry that you weren’t satisfied. However, with breaded wings our restaurant always puts the sauce on the side. If we had put the sauce on top of the wings, by the time you received them, the breading would have been soggy and mushy. Unless you had specifically asked for the sauce to be on the wings, we had no way to know that is how you wanted them.”

    Customer: “This is a disgrace! I’m so disgusted with you. Your chef needs to be fired immediately! I’m absolutely humiliated in front of my employees. You’ve caused me to lose their respect, and I’m so disgusted that I wasn’t even able to eat my own lunch. This is absolutely absurd. I’ve ordered these wings a hundred times from [other restaurant], and they’ve NEVER done anything so horrible to me!”

    (The other restaurant she mentioned is actually our sister restaurant. The names are different, but the same man owns the business, their recipes are identical, and the managers of the two separate restaurants are brothers.)

    Me: “Well, I know for a fact that they sell their wings in exactly the same format.”

    Customer: “DON’T YOU LIE TO ME YOU B****! I’VE BEEN A CUSTOMER THERE FOR YEARS; THEY DO NOT! [Owner] would never do that to me!”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, [owner] is the brother of my boss. The two restaurants are owned by their older brother, and the recipes are identical. In fact, I’m guessing the reason you called us is because you couldn’t get through to that restaurant?”

    Customer: “Y-yes, how did you know that?”

    Me: “Because they are currently closed for renovation. In fact, [other restaurant's owner] is standing about ten feet away from me. Would you like me to get him on the phone? I’m sure he’d be more than happy to explain his own standards to you!”

    Customer: “I can’t believe you; you’re a lying little b****! Don’t think you’ve heard the last of me!”

    (The customer calls back a few hours later. My boss has a nearly identical conversation with her. When he finally hangs up, he tells me we have lost a customer. Somehow, he doesn’t seem terribly broken up.)

    Putting The Pain In Pain Au Chocolat

    | Portland, ME, USA | Food & Drink, Math & Science, Top

    (I’m 21 years old, but look considerably younger. I have just spent the day with my professor collecting ticks for a research internship, as well as driving quite a bit to find proper fitting gear for the next time we go out.)

    Me: “…and I’d like a chocolate pastry.”

    Cashier: “Okay! That’s the last one; they’re fantastic!”

    (The customer behind me suddenly starts shouting.)

    Customer: “NO! I wanted one of those; what makes you so special you get to have one? I’m your elder; you should give it to me!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I was here first, and I’ve had a long, stressful day. I would like to get it, as it is the first thing I will have eaten since 7:30 this morning.”

    Customer: “What could you have done that was so stressful? You’ve clearly been laying out in the sun; you’re sun burnt for crying out loud! I’ll have you know that I have had an extremely stressful day, and as your elder, I would like this pastry.”

    Cashier: “Ma’am, she was here first. Unless she wants to give it to you, I am going to let her have it.”

    Customer: “Well, she should give it to me. I mean, how hard is it to lay out in the sun all day?”

    Me: “Ma’am, with all due respect, I have been outside working in the field all day, capturing small mammals and collecting deer ticks from them, and releasing them. I have dealt with angry squirrels, as well as a very frightened cardinal. I then had to drive about 300 miles today to find proper fitting gear. While I may look younger, I am 21 years old. I would like that pastry, as it is now 5:00 pm, and I have not eaten anything since this morning, and I need to continue driving home after this. If I may ask, what was so stressful about your day that could possibly compare to that?”

    Customer: “I BROKE A NAIL! Do you understand how much that hurts?”

    (The customer storms away to get a manager, who, having heard the whole thing, laughs in her face.)

    The Sauce Of Her Entitlement

    | Buffalo, NY, USA | Bad Behavior, Food & Drink

    (10 hours into my shift, an entitled, belligerent customer begins barking out orders. After an arduous ordering process, her meal arrives.)

    Customer: “WHAT is THIS?”

    Me: “That’s the broiled seafood platter you ordered, miss. May I provide any other sides or sauces to complement your meal?”

    Customer: “What IS this?”

    Me: “Oh, that small cup of cocktail sauce? We provide cocktail sauce with all of our shrimp meals, as it is commonly requested.”

    Customer: “Well, I don’t LIKE cocktail sauce! I won’t eat it!”

    Me: “Not a problem; you’re under no obligation to do so!”

    Customer: “I SAID that I don’t LIKE it! TAKE IT OFF MY PLATE!”

    (Although startled, I comply.)

    Customer: “Bring me something else!”

    Me: “Would you like drawn butter?”

    Customer: “I want shrimp sauce!”

    Me: “Cocktail sauce is the condiment we most commonly pair with our shrimp, but I’d be happy to bring you samples of our remoulade, tartar, hot sauce, Asian sauce—”

    Customer: “ASIAN sauce? What is that?”

    Me: “It’s similar to sweet and sour sauce.”

    Customer: “Is it spicy?”

    Me: “Mostly, it’s sweet and sour. I don’t find it spicy at all, but I can’t predict how it will taste to you.”

    Customer: “Ugh, you’re no help! Fetch me the sauce your executive chef recommends! Unlike you, he’ll know!”

    (Upon recommendation, I offer the Asian sauce.)

    Customer: “UGH! This is spicy! You lied to me!”

    Me: “I apologize; I did not intend to mislead you. Would you like to try another sauce?”

    Customer: “I don’t understand why you won’t just bring me shrimp sauce! That’s what I want! You aren’t very good at this, are you?”

    Me: “I’m sorry; the only ‘shrimp sauce’ we carry is cocktail sauce.”

    Customer: “Wait, cocktail sauce? That sounds about right. Bring that out immediately!”

    (The woman happily devours her cocktail sauce, casting me death stares all the while.)

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