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  • Got Him Out Of A Pickle
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    Category: Food & Drink

    Stupid Customers, like the rest of us have to eat and drink. Sadly like the rest of us, they sometimes eat with the rest of us. For every waiter, server, drive-thru operator, coffee shop barista, and restaurant manager who has had to deal with fake allergies, vegetarians who don’t know the meaning of the word and idiots who have yet to understand the concept of clearly listed ingredients, we salute you!

    Man, What A Woman

    | MI, USA | Awesome Customers, Food & Drink, Top

    (I’m female, but due to my height, my short hair cut, and our gender neutral uniforms, I’m often mistaken as male.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, sir?”

    Me: *turns around* “Yes, sir?”

    Customer: *blinks* “Oh, I’m sorry! I thought you were a man! Well, I mean, it’s not that you look masculine. Not that you look weak either! You’re very beautiful. I just saw short hair and a ball cap. Not that girls can’t wear ball caps! Or have short hair! I like short hair on women. It’s very nice! I mean, ah, your hair is. Some women can’t pull it off. I like your eyes!”

    (The customer turns red and I am trying not to laugh.)

    Me: “Thank you very much, sir. Can I slice you some lunch meat?”

    Customer: “Yes. And then just toss it in the hole I tried to dig myself out of, would you?”

    Me: “Not a problem. We cater to stranger requests.”

    (As the customer is leaving, he gives me a very large smile.)

    Customer: “You know something? You really ARE quite beautiful. Have a nice day!”

    (I did have a nice day, and all because of him!)

    Chalk Is His Kryptonite

    | FL, USA | Food & Drink, Geeks Rule, Top

    Customer: “I also want a pound of Swiss cheese, but I don’t want it sliced.”

    Me: “So you’d just like a one-pound block of cheese?”

    Customer: “Exactly. Can you do that?”

    Me: “I sure can.”

    (I take the cheese over to the sandwich station to get a large knife, measure approximately where I think one pound would be, and cut off a block. I put it on the scale, and much to my satisfaction, the weight of the block I cut is 1.005 pounds.)

    Me: “Well hey, that was pretty good!”

    (The customer looks at the scales.)

    Customer: “Oh, my God! How did you do that?!”

    Me: “Lots of practice?”

    Customer: “No, no, that wouldn’t do it. You must have some kind of supernatural cheese power!”

    Me: “Well, I was born on a dying cheese planet, and sent to Earth in a cheese rocket by my parents. Exposure to Earth’s yellow sun gives me cheese powers.”

    Customer: “Whoa. Honey, come here! You’ve got to see this!”

    (The customer’s wife comes over and listens to the story.)

    Customer’s Wife: “Holy s***. Can you do that again?”

    (I look over at my manager, who rolls her eyes and gives me a ‘go ahead’ wave. I cut another block off the Swiss cheese and weigh it. It comes up to 0.995 pounds.)

    Customer’s Wife: “Jesus Christ!”

    (She grabs the arm of another passing customer.)

    Customer’s Wife: “You’ve got to see this! This guy is Cheese Man!”

    Me: “Ma’am, please don’t give away my secret identity. The cheese villains of the world would hunt me down.”

    A Cent-less Attack

    , | WA, USA | Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Theme Of The Month, Wild & Unruly

    (I’m taking money at the first window. A car pulls up with a middle-aged customer driving, and what looks to be her older mother in the passenger seat.)

    Me: “Hi, your total is—.”

    Mother: “Where do we get my food?! I’m hungry! This line is taking too long!”

    Daughter: “You have to pay first, mom.”

    Mother: “I’m getting it!”

    (She scrounges around for money in her purse. She hands me what’s supposed to be exact change. I count it three times, and she’s a penny short.)

    Me: “Ma’am, do you have a penny?”

    Mother: “Are you serious? I’m not giving you no d*** penny! Where’s my food?!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I need that penny, or my till will come out short.”

    Mother: “And I said you ain’t getting no d*** penny!”

    (She starts shouting at her daughter.)

    Mother: “Drive to the next window!”

    (The daughter looks horrified about her mother’s behavior, and doesn’t move.)

    Mother: “Fine! I’ll get it myself!”

    (The mother gets out of the car, and starts walking toward the next window.)

    Me: “Ma’am, can you please get back in your car?”

    Mother: “F*** you!”

    (The daughter is horrified, apologizes to me, and drives forward. A minute later, I see the mother walk back to my open window as I’m paying out another customer. She throws a penny at me, which hits me in the knuckle and bruises it.)

    Mother: “There’s your d*** penny!”

    Discrimi(nation), Part 2

    | AB, Canada | At The Checkout, Bigotry, Food & Drink, Top

    (The store I work for is run by a Vietnamese family. I am the only Caucasian working there, and the only other non-Vietnamese employee is often mistaken for being Vietnamese because of the color of his skin. We usually work together. A drunk customer comes in. Since law prohibits us from selling to people who are intoxicated, my coworker heads him off.)

    Coworker: “Sorry, sir, you’ve had enough for tonight. We can’t serve you any more.”

    Customer: “F*** you, c****! Get out of my way!”

    Coworker: “Listen, man, there’s no need to get angry here; just go home go to bed. You can start again tomorrow.”

    (The customer stumbles up to me at the till.)

    Customer: “F****** c****, tryin’ ta tell me he won’t serve me.”

    Me: “Sir, we won’t be serving you anymore tonight, or ever again. That word you keep using derogatorily refers to a Chinese person. The owners of this store are from Vietnam.”

    Customer: “Whatever, they should all go back where they come from, starting with that fat f***!”

    (I am trying not to laugh.)

    Customer: “What’s so funny?”

    Me: “The person you just said should go back where he comes from is pure Cree First Nations. His people have been here long before ours. Now I believe I told you we won’t be serving you anymore; get out now.”

    Related:
    Discrimi(nation)

    High On Coffee, Low On Everything Else

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada | Food & Drink, Theme Of The Month, Wild & Unruly

    (I work at a small coffee shop outside a shopping center. There is a regular who is known for being very rude and ignorant about his wealth. I am a 17-year-old girl, who has recently got this job.)

    Me: “Hello, sir, welcome to [coffee shop], what woul—”

    Regular: *aggressively* “Coffee!”

    Me: “Okay, what ki—”

    Regular: “Dumb b**** lowlife! I said coffee!”

    Me: “Sir, please don’t use that language here.”

    Regular: “For f***’s sake! This is why I am rich, and you work at a dump like this! Probably so you can buy your drug money!”

    Me: “Sir, I—”

    Regular: “B****! WE SHOULD TAKE ALL YOU LOWLIFES, AND BURY YOU LIKE MAGGOTS!”

    Me: *tearing up* “Sir, plea—”

    Regular: “SHUT UP YOU FILTHY W**** B****! AND MAKE ME MY D*** COFFEE!”

    (My manager comes running out to see what’s going on. Before he can speak up, a small old lady next in line starts speaking.)

    Old Woman: “Now listen here, you ignorant rat! This woman has barely had a chance to speak! If we did what you said, and got rid of the lower classes, who would change your god-d*** diapers, and make you your morning cup of coffee?”

    Regular: “D*** you! I uh…” *turning to me* “I want my coffee, NOW!”

    Manager: “NO, YOU CAN LEAVE MY STORE BEFORE I CALL THE COPS!”

    (The regular turns even more red, and runs out of the store. My manager gives me the rest of the day off, as well as a free meal. The old woman also leaves me a $20 tip!)

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