July Theme Of The Month: Great Timing!

Category: Food & Drink

Stupid Customers, like the rest of us have to eat and drink. Sadly like the rest of us, they sometimes eat with the rest of us. For every waiter, server, drive-thru operator, coffee shop barista, and restaurant manager who has had to deal with fake allergies, vegetarians who don’t know the meaning of the word and idiots who have yet to understand the concept of clearly listed ingredients, we salute you!

It’s Not Cute

| Aurora, CO, USA | At The Checkout, Food & Drink, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

(At my store we sell a brand of clementines known as ‘Cuties.’. Sadly, this is kind of a common occurrence.)

Me: “Sir, would you like your cuties in the box or in a bag?”

Customer: *takes them out of the box and hands it to me* “This is for you, because you’re such a cutie.” *winks*

Me: “Um… thanks…” *smiles awkwardly and finishes the transaction* “All right, sir, your total is [amount]. Would you like any help out to your car tonight?”

Customer: “Will you be the one helping me out?”

Me: “No, that would be him.” *points to the male courtesy clerk*

Customer: *face falls* “Then, no.”

Mayo-Phased

, | Fort Collins, CO, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

(Two girls order a foot-long and split it. One of them wants mayonnaise and the other one doesn’t.)

Coworker: “Do you want me to wrap this as two six inches?”

Girl #1: “No, thanks.”

(They take the sub and leave. About four minutes later, they walk up with a bite taken out of one half.)

Girl #1: “You didn’t put mayonnaise on my half.”

Girl #2: “You put mayonnaise on my half.”

Me: “Did you try swapping them?”

(The girls blink, look at themselves, and then at me.)

Girl #2: “Oh, my God. I’m an IDIOT!”

Girl #1: “I’m SOOO sorry for this!”

(They walk away laughing.)

The Art Of Ordering Without Ordering

| Olympia, WA, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

(I work in a restaurant and we have three kinds of shakes available: vanilla, strawberry and chocolate.)

Me: “What can I get for you today?”

Customer: “I would like a large chocolate shake, but without the chocolate.”

Me: “You mean; you want a vanilla shake?”

Customer: “Did I say I wanted a f****** vanilla shake? I said I want a CHOCOLATE SHAKE WITHOUT THE CHOCOLATE! Are you new or something?”

Me: “No, I’ve been working here for six months. How do I make a chocolate shake without the chocolate?”

Customer: “Ah, so, you’re f****** stupid?! You weren’t trained at all. I WANT A CHOCOLATE SHAKE WITHOUT THE CHOCOLATE, YOU UNEDUCATED LITTLE S***! My three-year-old could do your job better!”

Me: “Okay, your total is $2.50.”

(Customer throws the money on the table.)

Customer: “That’s what I thought. I just have to repeat myself to you idiots.”

(I made her a vanilla shake and handed it to her. She drank it at the table and didn’t complain at all about it.)

There’s A Twist At The End

, | AR, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, School

(I serve ice cream on a buffet line in the college’s cafeteria. There’s vanilla, chocolate, and twist on the soft serve machine.)

Student: “Can I have some soft serve vanilla ice cream?”

Me: “I’m sorry, we ran out.”

Student: “Oh. Then can I have the twist?”

Forget To Drink To Forget

| London, England, UK | Extra Stupid, Family & Kids, Food & Drink

(I’m bartending at a wedding and the bar is quiet. A father approaches the bar with his newly 18-year-old daughter.)

Father: “I’ll have a pint of Guinness, please.”

Me: “Certainly, sir. Is there anything else I can get you?”

Father: “Do you want anything, [Daughter]?”

Daughter: “Oh, I’ll just have some water, please.”

Father: “Are you sure? You’re allowed alcohol now, remember!”

Daughter: *face lights up* “Oh, yeah! Uhm…” *falls silent for about five seconds* “What do you have?”

(I motion to the wide range of alcoholic beverages behind me.)

Me: “Whatever you fancy, ma’am.”

Daughter: “Uhm… I don’t know! What do I want?”

(Her father says nothing, so I presume the question is to me.)

Me: “Well, what do you normally drink? We have a very wide range of spirits behind me, cold beer on tap in front of you, and several ciders and ales in the fridges that I can list if you’d like.”

Daughter: “Uhm, can I have a rum and Coke?”

Me: “Of course, ma’am! Light or dark rum?”

Daughter: “Uhm… Do you have Barcardi?”

Me: “Coming right up!”

(I make her Barcardi and Coke and pour the father his Guinness before taking payment. As the daughter walks away, the father sighs.)

Father: “I’m very sorry about that! Sometimes I wonder if she’s all there!”

(He then walks away without his Guinness, returning a minute or so later to collect it with a sheepish look on his face!)

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