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  • Getting Owned By The Owner, Part 7
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    Category: Food & Drink

    Stupid Customers, like the rest of us have to eat and drink. Sadly like the rest of us, they sometimes eat with the rest of us. For every waiter, server, drive-thru operator, coffee shop barista, and restaurant manager who has had to deal with fake allergies, vegetarians who don’t know the meaning of the word and idiots who have yet to understand the concept of clearly listed ingredients, we salute you!

    Requires An Ounce Of Common Sense

    | St. Paul, MN, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Math & Science

    (We offer burgers as 1/3 pound patties or 1/2 pound patties. There’s only a $1 difference between the prices.)

    Customer: “What’s the difference between the 1/3 and 1/2 pound burger?”

    Me: “There are 16 ounces to a pound. So, 1/2 a pound is 8 ounces, 1/3 is just over five ounces.”

    Customer: “Umm…”

    Me: “The recommended portion of protein for a meal is 4 ounces. So, a 1/3 pound would be right around the recommended portion; 1/2 a pound would be twice that.”

    Customer: “Umm…”

    Me: “Are you just a little hungry, or very hungry?”

    Customer: “I don’t know.”

    Me: “Well, let’s go with the 1/2 pound burger. It’s only a dollar more. If you don’t eat it all, I can box it for you and you can take it home.”

    Customer: “No, I don’t want to take it home. So, what’s the difference again?”

    (I finally have to make completely inaccurate round shapes with my hands to convey the size.)

    Customer: “I want the little one.”

    (End of the meal comes…)

    Customer: “I’m still hungry. Did I order the little burger, or the big burger?”

    Me: “The 1/3 pound; the little one.”

    Customer: “Ugh, why didn’t you tell me to order the big one?”

    The Answer Came From The Gut

    | FL, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink, Health & Body

    Me: “Was everything all right? Did everyone enjoy their meals?”

    Customer: “The food was excellent. My digestive system is dutifully converting it into feces even as we speak!”

    Me: “That’s… super.”

    Their Scam Doesn’t Pan Out

    , | MI, USA | Food & Drink, Liars & Scammers, School, Theme Of The Month

    (In our college cafeteria, you can eat as much as you want. I make and cook and cut pizza and serve it on a tray, where students can serve themselves. I have just made two cheese pizzas and put one of them on the serving tray. I have made a backup due to the lunch rush. Two students approach.)

    Student #1: “Excuse me; do you have any fresh pizza?”

    Me: “The one that is there came out of the oven less than five minutes ago. I’m sure it’s quite good.”

    Student #2: “But there’s two pieces missing.”

    Me: “Well, someone came and took some pizza since I put it out.”

    Student #1: “I want some fresh pizza. Why can’t you give me a piece of the one you have there?”

    (The student points to the pizza I just put in the hot box that is used to keep food warm.)

    Me: “That pizza came out of the oven at the same time as the one that’s out on the tray.”

    Student #1: “But it’s been sitting out.”

    Me: “For less than five minutes.”

    Student #2: “Fine. Whatever b****.”

    (I turn my back to continue making pizzas, when my manager approaches.)

    Manager: “Hey, you need to get another cheese pizza out, pronto!”

    Me: “Already? I just put one out!”

    (A coworker approaches us.)

    Coworker: “Dude, did you see what happened?”

    Manager: “What?”

    Coworker: “Those girls each took four pieces of pizza when your back was turned and threw it out so they could get ‘fresher’ pizza.”

    Me: “Are you serious?!”

    Coworker: “Yeah! Here they come!”

    Student #2: “Do you have a fresh pizza out?”

    Manager: “Did you just take an entire pizza and throw it out so that you could get a different one?”

    Student #1: “Well she wasn’t serving fresh pizza!”

    Coworker: “She’s lying! [My Name] had put that pizza out maybe two minutes before they came here. Two pieces were missing because the guy in front of them took them.”

    Manager: “We’re going to have to have a little chat about wasting perfectly good food.”

    (My manager had a long talk with the girls and got them to admit that they threw out an entire pizza. After that, my manager gave me permission to refuse service to those two. Thankfully, I never saw them again anyway.)

    Focusing On The Wrong Kind Of Cup Size

    | OH, USA | At The Checkout, Food & Drink, Rude & Risque

    (I am a female in my early twenties, the only female working this particular shift with three burly male coworkers. I am on the front register taking orders and money, when a customer walks in. He is a sloppily-dressed old man.)

    Me: “Hi there! How are you?”

    Customer: “I’m doin’ great, sweetie. How ’bout you get me a big cup of coffee?”

    Me: “Sounds great. Do you need any room for cream in there, sir?”

    Customer: “I got some cream for ya!”

    (He winks lewdly at me. I try to shake it off.)

    Me: “Alright, here is your coffee. Anything else for you, sir?”

    Customer: “Nope. What’s my total so you can ring me up?”

    (The customer seems oddly eager to pay. I give him his total and he hands me a very worn credit card. I try to swipe through our machine once or twice before determining its magnetic strip is too worn to be read. I am about to start typing in the numbers, when he interrupts me, looking very flushed and excited.)

    Customer: “No, no, don’t type it in. It’ll work if you just rub it on your chest.”

    (I am a little creeped out, but I wipe the card off on the bottom of my apron and give it another shot. It still won’t run through.)

    Customer: “No, no, sweetie, I said it’ll work if you rub it on your chest. Actually, it’ll work best if I rub it on your chest for you.”

    (At this point, I’m done. I step back from the register without another word and call for one of my coworkers, a big, burly 33-year-old man whose other job is construction. He comes over as I am walking away.)

    Me: *to my coworker* “I’m going to the back because the man at the front is asking to rub things on my chest.”

    (My coworker walks up to the register and looks down at the customer. He is a good foot taller than the customer.)

    Coworker: “I heard you like rubbing things on people’s chests? Well, have at it.”

    (My coworker leans forward just as I go into the back room. I didn’t see what happened next, but my coworker told me the customer panicked and ran out of the store without paying and without his coffee. We never saw him again!)

    Not Quite Seasoned With The Omelet Station

    , | Nashville, TN, USA | Food & Drink, Hotels & Lodging

    (I work for a hotel with a complimentary breakfast that includes a made-to-order omelet station. I am making the omelets in plain sight of the customers, with all of my ingredients on display. A customer walks up and ignores a sign with ingredients listed and bowls on display, full of veggies.)

    Customer: “I want an omelet with all the vegetables.”

    Me: “Okay, all of the vegetables including the ja—”

    Customer: *cuts me off* “YES! All of them.”

    Me: “Okay, because we have—”

    Customer: *walks off*

    (I make an omelet with all of the vegetables, and call it out when it’s done. She comes and picks it up and walks off with out a word. About two minutes later, she comes back. Her face is red, and there are tears running down her face.)

    Customer: “I didn’t realize you had jalapeños!”

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