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  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • Category: Food & Drink

    Stupid Customers, like the rest of us have to eat and drink. Sadly like the rest of us, they sometimes eat with the rest of us. For every waiter, server, drive-thru operator, coffee shop barista, and restaurant manager who has had to deal with fake allergies, vegetarians who don’t know the meaning of the word and idiots who have yet to understand the concept of clearly listed ingredients, we salute you!

    Retired & Extremely Dangerous, Part 2

    | Birmingham, England, UK | Bad Behavior, Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Money, Top

    (My dad and I have just checked out at the supermarket. There are two elderly ladies pushing shopping carts in front of us. They are walking slowly towards the exit. Another customer is walking behind them with her son, who looks about 20. The son is obviously annoyed at the fact that he cannot get past the ladies walking so slowly. He speaks loud enough so that the whole shop can hear him.)

    Son: “God, these old people! Always getting in the way. They are useless. They should be locked up so they can’t get in normal people’s way.”

    (The son’s mum doesn’t say anything to him, but I can see that my dad is getting angry.)

    Son: “They don’t deserve pensions. Let them work until they drop! They probably retired when they were 45 and are leeching off the government.”

    (My dad taps the son on the shoulder.)

    Dad: “You’re making a scene and upsetting those ladies. Calm it down, would you?”

    Son: “They probably can’t even hear me. They’re all deaf anyway. Coffin dodgers! Why do you care if they even hear me?”

    Dad: “First, I’m 67 and have worked since I was 16 years old up until my retirement two weeks ago. Second, my parents taught me to respect my elders; something your mother obviously didn’t bother to do, considering I’m giving you the verbal battering she should be. And it’s not those women who should be locked up; it’s misinformed, loud idiots like you.”

    (By now the whole supermarket has stopped and is looking over at my dad.)

    Dad: “As for leeching off the government: I get a pension, the same as those ladies and thousands of other elderly people do and it’s just over the minimum wage. Sometimes I have to decide between heating my house and eating food! You wait until you get older and retire and see how it feels then to be treated like a second class citizen by obnoxious, mouthy trash!”

    (Throughout this whole thing the son has looked shocked. Finally his mother speaks up.)

    Mum: “You’re right, totally right. It shouldn’t take a stranger to tell my son his behaviour is terrible.” *to her son* “I am completely ashamed of you. You know nothing about hardship considering you are claiming unemployment money and living rent free in my house. Now apologise to those ladies and to this gentleman.”

    (The son says sorry, grudgingly, to all three.)

    Mum: “And you see all this food and those DVDs that you wanted and I paid for just now? Well, you won’t get one piece of it.”

    (The mum unloads all the food into the old ladies carts and gives the DVDs and a large piece of meat to my dad.)

    Mum: “I hope this goes some way to making you feel valued and appreciated.”

    (They walk out and the supermarket is silent for a moment. Then one of the old ladies starts to applaud and so does the rest of the customers and staff. The next time my dad went in to get his shopping they gave him £100 worth of coupons, and now all the staff know him.)

    Related:
    Retired & Extremely Dangerous

    A Decent Slice Of Nice

    | Perth, WA, Australia | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Food & Drink

    (It’s about 9:50 pm, 10 minutes until we close and a group a customers have just walked in. As I’m serving one of them we start chatting.)

    Customer #1: “Sorry for coming in so late. You guys are about to close, right?”

    Me: “In a few minutes, yeah. But it’s fine. We don’t mind.”

    Customer #2: “Have you guys had dinner?”

    Me: “Not yet, our shift started at 5 and we don’t get a break.”

    (The two customers look at each other, and then one thrusts a takeaway pizza box at me.)

    Customer #1: “Here have this.”

    Me: “Oh no, it’s fine. We really can’t.”

    Customer #1: “No, take it. We won’t be able to eat it all anyway. You guys should get dinner.”

    (They all pay and go, leaving my coworker and me with a free dinner! Customers like these ones make my job bearable!)

    Acting Cuckoo

    , | Scotland, UK | Food & Drink, Language & Words, Tourists/Travel

    (Our hotel is in a pretty popular tourist area and we frequently get customers who struggle with English, especially with the bar food menu. My colleagues have already had some trouble making themselves understood when I go over to take one table’s order.)

    Me: “Hi, would you like to order some food?”

    Customer: “Yes, we would like food please.”

    (There is a long awkward pause, until I realise they are not going to order on their own.)

    Me: “So… what food would you like?”

    Customer: “Oh! I would like this. This is steak, yes?”

    (The customer is pointing to lamb shank on the menu.)

    Me: “Oh, no, that’s lamb. Lamb shank, it’s like a small leg. We have a steak just here, if you like?”

    (The customer remains pointing at the lamb shank.)

    Customer: “So this… this is steak?”

    Me: “No, no, this is steak…” *I point* “…and that is lamb.”

    Customer: “So this… what animal?”

    Me: “Pardon?”

    Customer: “What animal this?”

    Me: “Oh! Sorry! That’s lamb. Uh, sheep.”

    Customer: “Sheep?”

    Me: “Yes, sheep. Erm…”

    Customer:Maaaaaaaa?”

    (I am puzzled for a second, and then realise he is making a sheep noise!)

    Me: “Yes, baaaaa!”

    Customer: “Oh! Yes! And this?”

    (The customer points to the steak.)

    Me: “Steak. Cow.”

    Customer:Moooo?”

    Me: “Yes, mooooo!”

    (The customer points to each successive meat dish in turn, and eventually I begin to make the animal noises before he does, to save time. I manage to keep a straight face, because I don’t want him to feel patronised, but his impressions are very funny.)

    Customer: “And this?”

    (The customer points at the last menu item, which is a venison dish.)

    Customer: “What animal, this?”

    Me: “That’s venison, which means deer.”

    Customer: “Deer? What is deer?”

    Me: “Erm…”

    (I stop dead as I realise that I haven’t the faintest idea what noise a deer makes, and am certainly not capable of reproducing it.)

    Me: “It’s… ah… deer… well, it’s… stag. You know, stag?”

    (In desperation, I hold my hands above my head in the shape of antlers. The man looks puzzled for a moment, then seemingly has an epiphany.)

    Customer: “Ah! STAG! Stag…”

    (The customer looks questioningly at his wife, and then at me, seemingly without getting the help he needs.)

    Customer: “I… like… stag?”

    (The customer did end up getting the venison dish, and was very pleased with it. His wife had ‘chicken cluck cluck’ and was likewise satisfied.)

    Getting Owned By The Owner, Part 4

    | Philadelphia, PA, USA | At The Checkout, Food & Drink, Liars & Scammers

    Customer: “Hi, can I get a [sandwich]?”

    Me: “Sure, that’ll be [price].”

    Customer: “Oh, I’m the owner’s brother. I always get a discount.”

    Me: “You’re the owner’s brother?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “No, you’re not.”

    Customer: “How do you know, you f****** b****?”

    Me: “I’m an only child.”

    (I then point to a photo of myself on the wall, with the word ‘OWNER’ just below it.)

    Me: “Full price then?”

    Customer: “…yeah.”

    Related:
    Getting Owned By The Owner, Part 3
    Getting Owned By The Owner, Part 2
    Getting Owned By The Owner

    Customers Give You Crabs

    , | Rehoboth Beach, DE, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink, Theme Of The Month

    (I am working drive-thru. The customer I get sounds drunk, but I don’t think too much of it until he gets to the window. The customer is in the rear seat of the car; the driver is sober.)

    Me: “Good evening. Your total is [total].”

    Customer: “Okay… so that’s… uh…”

    (The customer stares at the money in his wallet for a moment, before handing me a wad of bills.)

    Me: “Alright, here’s your change and your recei—”

    (I turn to hand the customer his change, to see that he now has a large brown paper bag on his lap. He looks at me, then reaches in the bag and pulls out a crab covered in Old Bay seasoning.)

    Customer: “D’you want a crab?”

    Me: “Er… no, thanks.”

    Customer: “You sure? They’re really good!”

    (The customer tries to hand me the crab anyway.)

    Me: “I’m sorry. We’re not allowed to take tips.”

    Customer: “Awww… that sucks. Well, you have a nice night.”

    Me: “Here’s your change. You have a good night, too!”

    (Later, my coworkers ask what took so long. They couldn’t believe he’d offered me crabs! Probably because we all were wondering what he was doing getting fast food when he had something better!)

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