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    Category: Food & Drink

    Stupid Customers, like the rest of us have to eat and drink. Sadly like the rest of us, they sometimes eat with the rest of us. For every waiter, server, drive-thru operator, coffee shop barista, and restaurant manager who has had to deal with fake allergies, vegetarians who don’t know the meaning of the word and idiots who have yet to understand the concept of clearly listed ingredients, we salute you!

    Dancers In The Dark Coffee

    | USA | Food & Drink, Health & Body, Top

    (A young customer woman in ballet shoes comes running into the shop. She looks exhausted.)

    Customer: “I’m so sorry; this is going to be a really big order.”

    (She starts to rattle off a huge order. Being the only barista, I start on them as soon as she done ordering. While making the coffees, a regular walks in.)

    Customer: “I’m so sorry; she’ll probably be a little bit. I have really big order.”

    (The regular just scoffs, and stands at the register. I focus on the drinks I’m making.)

    Regular: “Hey!”

    Me: “I’ll be there in just a moment; I want to make sure all of her—”

    Regular: “Forget her f****** order! She and her little friends will just waste the damn drinks. Dancers, bah.”

    Customer: “Excuse me?!”

    Regular: “You heard me. All you stupid little girls thinking that they’re an athlete because they can f****** dance!”

    (The customer takes a few steps back.)

    Customer: “Right, it’s so easy. Then how about you follow me.”

    (She bends backwards, practically touching her ankles. She slides back up, before standing on point. She brings one leg up and begins to spin on one foot, in place. She does it a few more times, before smirking at my regular. Still on point.)

    Customer: “Your turn.”

    (The regular scoffs, and huffs about the register until the order is finished.)

    A Super-Brew, Iron Grind, And Served Dark (Knight)

    | QLD, Australia | Food & Drink, Geeks Rule, Theme Of The Month

    (The coffee chain I work at collects money for a children’s charity. Once a month we dress up in costumes; it’s a lot of fun. This month the theme is Superheroes. I’m female, but dressed as Iron Man; there’s also Wonder Woman, Super Girl, and Batgirl.)

    Elderly Customer: “Can you actually fly in that get-up?”

    Me: “Sure can, but it spills the coffees.”

    Male Customer: “Super heroes? Serving coffee? It’s like all my teenage dreams come true! Except for you, Iron Man, cause I don’t swing that way.”

    Regular Customer: “Did you get a second job?”

    Me: “Yep. Saving the world doesn’t pay the bills.”

    Someone Has Had A Bit Too Much Coffee

    | Melbourne, QLD, Australia | Bizarre, Food & Drink

    (It’s early in the morning, and so the home-wares store that I work in is pretty quiet at the moment. It is so quiet, that I can hear this customer from the other end of the store as she walks in, getting progressively louder as she approaches me.)

    Customer: “…coffee cups, coffee cups, coffee cups, coffee cups, coffee cups…”

    (Hearing this, I turn around to see a middle aged woman and her 10-year-old son looking at me expectantly, still repeating ‘coffee cups’ as she gets closer.)

    Me: “Um, was there something I can help you with tod—”

    Customer: “…coffee cups, coffee cups, coffee cups…”

    Me: *trying my best to act normal* “Sure… just on the shelf in the corner there.” *points*

    Customer: “Ah! Coffee cups!”

    These Bagels Have A Long Shelf Life

    | Five Towns, NY, USA | Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Top

    (A lot of people like to come into the shop and ask for special favors because of being ‘good customers’. Sometimes the cashier—who is also the owner—gets annoyed.)

    Customer #1: “But we’re good customers!”

    Cashier: “What’s my name?”

    Customer #2: “What?”

    Cashier: “If you’re really good customers, you would know my name.”

    (Customers #1 and #2 look at each other, confused.)

    Customer #2: “Aren’t you Todd?”

    Cashier: “You’re confusing me with my father.”

    Customer #2: “Yes, that’s who we’re used to dealing with. Can we talk to him, please?”

    Cashier: “He died 18 years ago. You must be really good customers.”

    This Is Soda-Pressing

    | Twin Cities, MN, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    (I’m taking an order for delivery on the phone.)

    Caller: “What kind of soda do you have?”

    Me: “Coke, Diet Coke, Cherry Coke, Mr. Pibb, and root beer.”

    Caller: “Hmm… I’d like a Mountain Dew!”

    Me: “I’m sorry; we don’t have that. We only have Coke, Diet Coke, Cherry Coke, Mr. Pibb, and root beer.”

    Caller: “Well, how about a Sprite then!”

    Me: “We don’t have that either, only Coke, Diet Coke, Cherry Coke, Mr. Pibb, and root beer.”

    Caller: “Oh, Coke then!”

    (The customer then shouts into the background.)

    Caller: “Honey, do you want a soda? They have orange!”


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