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  • Always Time For A Rhyme
    (2,165 thumbs up)
  • Category: Food & Drink

    Stupid Customers, like the rest of us have to eat and drink. Sadly like the rest of us, they sometimes eat with the rest of us. For every waiter, server, drive-thru operator, coffee shop barista, and restaurant manager who has had to deal with fake allergies, vegetarians who don’t know the meaning of the word and idiots who have yet to understand the concept of clearly listed ingredients, we salute you!

    The Sausages Of Society

    | New York, NY, USA | Bigotry, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    (I work in an Italian deli in Brooklyn that sells high quality cured meats. Because of its location, we have recently seen an upsurge in customers from Williamsburg’s gentrified neighborhoods. Two customers walk in.)

    Customer #1: “Yes. I wanted to know if you stocked any vegan sausages.”

    Me: *thinking they’re joking* “Sir, this is [deli]. Our specialty is aged and cured meats. We don’t sell vegan food.”

    Customer #2: *to his friend* “What did you expect from this place? Their vibes are totally off. It’s obvious this isn’t the right deli for us, man.” *turns to me* “Listen, you see?m like a pretty smart guy. You shouldn’t buy into the corporate lies they feed you. You know the sausages you sell are just pumped full of water and corn syrup right?”

    (I decide to have some fun with this.)

    Me: “Yeah. Right on, man. That must mean those giant storage lockers in the back where we hang the freshly grounded and mixed meat is just an illusion created by the corporate industrialists in order to fool the proletariat.”

    (Amazingly, they actually nod in agreement for a few second before realizing I’m making fun of them. Scowling, they finally leave.)

    Customer #2: “I’m going to tell my friends about all of the ‘negative vibes’ your deli gives off!”

    (To this day I’m not sure if they were serious or trying to prank us.)

    Tree-ting The Request With Respect

    | OR, USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    (Two customers come in for lunch and want to eat outside on the deck. I take their order, bring it to them, and periodically check on them to make sure everything is going well. I come back again at the end of their meal.)

    Me: “So, how was everything? Would you like dessert, or would this be all for you ladies today?”

    Customer #1: “Everything was great, thank you.”

    Customer #2: “It was great, and I don’t want to sound rude, but I’m going to criticize.”

    Me: “Okay.”

    Customer #2: “You’re on the river. You should be a fine dining establishment. You shouldn’t have the trees dropping pine cones and other stuff on the deck. And you should get rid of the spider webs.”

    (Customer #1 is looking at Customer #2 indicating that she would like her to shut up.)

    Me: “We clean the deck off a few times a week, but the wind has been picking up lately, and stuff keeps falling from the trees. Would you like me to ask the spiders if they would kindly stop building their webs on the deck every night also?”

    Customer #2: “If you would do that, that would be great!”

    Customer #1: “And I suppose you want her to ask the trees to stop dropping things on the deck too?”

    Customer #2: “Yes! Please do it!”

    (Fortunatel, Customer #1 apologized to me as soon as they were walking out the door.)

    Lying Is All Relative(s), Part 2

    | Adelaide, SA, Australia | Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Liars & Scammers

    (My sister and I work in a bakery owned by our family; our grandma is the owner.)

    Customer: “Hi. I’m the owner’s daughter. So, I can get my food for free, okay?”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll call your mother in, okay?”

    (The customer nervously nods. I call in my grandma.)

    Grandma: “What is it?”

    Me: “Oh, this customer says you’re her mum.”

    (My grandma looks at the customer.)

    Grandma: “I have never seen you in my life. Also, you look about twenty. So you could pass as my granddaughter, but not as my daughter!”

    (The customer runs out quickly!)

    Lying Is All Relative(s)

    Misery In A Can

    | FL, USA | Bad Behavior, Family & Kids, Food & Drink

    (I’ve just finished stocking an end-cap of soup cans. It has taken me about 20 minutes to get them all lined up properly. As I’m walking away, a little boy of about six or seven comes charging up. He kicks the cans on the bottom shelf over, sending them flying everywhere. Then he grabs two and throws them, one hitting another customer in the shin and the other smashing right through a glass bottle of cheap wine.)

    Me: “HEY! What the heck are you doing, kid?!”

    Boy: “My mommy said I should go make someone else miserable for once!”

    Tray And Tray Again

    | PA, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Health & Body

    (The bagel and sandwich shop I work at switches from disposable paper plates to re-washable plastic trays for our ‘for here’ orders. We haven’t been supplied with an exceedingly large amount of the trays. Many of our customers end up dumping them in the trash when they’re finished.)

    Boss: “[Me]! Grab some plastic bags and gloves, and follow me outside.”

    Me: “Okay, what are we doing?”

    Boss: “Trash diving.”

    Me: “…”

    (He’s not kidding. We triple bag our shoes and jump in the dumpster to cut through our trash and fish out as many trays as we can. We manage to find nearly three dozen in among eight trash bags.)

    Me: “[Boss], I want a raise.”

    Boss: “I’ll think about it.”

    (Later, fed up with more trays disappearing, the Boss brings in a role of caution tape. He uses it to tape a tray onto the push-door of each of our trash cans. Then he secures another tray to the area where trays are supposed to be left. The end result is a VERY obvious visual giving the message of, “Don’t throw away these trays, place them HERE!”)

    Boss: “OKAY! So, how long do you think it’s going to be before another customer throws a tray away?”

    Me: “People are pretty stupid. I wouldn’t be surprised if the first one does.”

    Boss: “Seriously, right?”

    (Sure enough, a few minutes later a customer gets up to leave. She goes to toss her trash and gets caught up as she sees the taped tray to the door. We watch as she slowly looks at the trash can, then up to the tray-receptacle, then back down to the trash can. Then she dumps it all, tray included, into the trash can. My boss throws a silent fit until the customer leaves. We all crack up at him as he rushes out front to dig the tray out of the trash.)

    Boss: “I GIVE UP ON PEOPLE!”

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