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  • This Round He Lost (In Translation), Part 4
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    Category: Food & Drink

    Stupid Customers, like the rest of us have to eat and drink. Sadly like the rest of us, they sometimes eat with the rest of us. For every waiter, server, drive-thru operator, coffee shop barista, and restaurant manager who has had to deal with fake allergy’s, vegetarians who don’t know the meaning of the word and idiots who have yet to understand the concept of clearly listed ingredients, we salute you!

    Good Honest Coffee

    | Canada | Awesome Customers, Food & Drink

    Regular: “Is [coworker] here?”

    Me: “No, is there something I can do for you?”

    Regular: “Oh, I was just here yesterday and I was chatting with [coworker], and didn’t pay for my espresso. I’d like to pay for it now.”

    (I look at him in shock.)

    Regular: “Why are you looking at me like that?”

    Me: “Because most people aren’t that honest.”

    Regular: “Well, they should be; what’s so difficult about it?”

    Me: “Nothing, but it’s unusual. Would you like your usual along with it?”

    Regular: “Yes, please, but make sure you charge me for yesterday’s as well.”

    (The girl I am working with and I are just awestruck. It puts us in a good mood for the rest of the day.)

    He’s Talking A Load Of Bull(ion)

    | Rochester, NY, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    (I’m picking up a few things near the cash register. A customer walks up to the cashier with a bottle of Goldschlager. He looks like your typical party frat-boy. I overhear his attempt to impress the attractive cashier.)

    Customer: “Dude, I love this stuff. It’s so good.”

    Cashier: “Yeah, my mom’s a fan too.”

    Customer: “Yeah, it’s really awesome. The gold flakes in it cut your throat and your stomach to get the alcohol in you faster, and get you drunk faster.”

    (It is now obvious that the cashier is unenthused.)

    Cashier: “Is that so?”

    Customer: “Yeah, that’s totally why I drink it. It gets you drunk way faster.”

    (I can see that the cashier is getting annoyed with the customer’s ‘bro’ attitude, so I speak up.)

    Me: “Actually, that’s just an urban legend. Gold is known for its soft malleable properties, so it’s not sharp enough to cut you like that.”

    (The customer looks a little flustered.)

    Customer: “Well, that’s what I heard!”

    Me: “Well it’s wrong. Not to mention, I’m sure the FDA would not approve of the sale of a drink that actually could tear the lining of the stomach and throat to accelerate intoxication. The gold is just a novelty effect.”

    (The guy mumbles something, pays for his liquor, and leaves; he is clearly embarrassed. I finish my selection, and go to the cashier to pay.)

    Cashier: “Look at you go! Thanks so much for that. I get so tired of idiots thinking I’m impressed with how much they can drink.”

    Me: “No problem!”

    Saved Him From Making A Big Mis-Steak

    | Pittsburgh, PA, USA | Food & Drink

    (A regular walks in.)

    Me: “Good day, sir. What can I help you with today?”

    Regular: “I’d like seven pounds of lamb.”

    Me: “Yes, sir. Got a party planned?”

    Regular: “My brother and his family is coming to visit. Oh, and my son is bringing his girlfriend over. She’s a vegetarian, so throw in some chicken too, I guess.”

    Me: “Sir, if she’s a vegetarian, she doesn’t eat meat.”

    Regular: “Wait, you mean she doesn’t eat any meat at all? Not even chicken?”

    Me: “Not even chicken, sir.”

    Regular: “But… is that even possible?”

    Me: “Yes, sir, it’s possible. Here’s your meat. I suggest you drop by a grocery store and buy something green for your son’s girlfriend. Enjoy your dinner!”

    Regular: “Thank you.”

    (He starts muttering as he leaves.)

    Regular: “No meat! Some people are so strange.”

    She Likes Her Coffee Black Belt

    | UK | Bad Behavior, Food & Drink, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (My friend and I head to a coffee shop. When we get there, there’s a customer screaming at the barista.)

    Customer: “You useless little s***! How hard is it to make a d*** drink? I’m going to ring your manager; I’m going to complain to head office…”

    (He continues making threats. The poor girl behind the counter is pretty much in tears. My friend’s patience runs out.)

    My Friend: “Oi, mate! I don’t know what’s going on here, but screaming isn’t helping things.”

    Customer: “Mind your own business, b****!

    My Friend: “What did you call me?”

    (The customer turns back around to my friend. The customer is a pretty big guy, six foot, and fairly wide. My friend is five four, female, and fairly unimposing. He squares up to her.)

    Customer: “I called you a b**** who should learn to mind her own business. Now p*** off!”

    (The customer shoves her.)

    My Friend: “Don’t touch me.”

    Customer: “Or what?”

    (The customer goes to shove her again. My friend grabs his arm, turning with it, and throws him to the ground hard enough to wind him. She puts her foot over his crotch.)

    My Friend: “Or you learn I have a black belt in judo. Apologize to the nice lady now.”

    (The customer apologizes, but the police are still called. My friend and I get a free lunch!)

    They Are Calorie Counting On Each Other

    , | Eugene, OR, USA | At The Checkout, Bigotry, Food & Drink, Themed Giveaway, Top

    (I am a customer. There’s a woman in line ahead of me, already at the register and ordering for herself and three kids, and a guy behind me. Another customer comes in. He looks to be in a rush, muttering under his breath about people not ordering until they know what they want. The young woman working the register has a slight but obvious German accent, but not thick enough to present any difficulty communicating at all. I get to the counter.)

    Me: “Hi! I’d like a regular meal, but can I substitute the drink with a shake?”

    (The cashier repeats it back to me, as one would logically do to make sure. The impatient customer barks at her.)

    Impatient Customer: “If you spoke English right, you’d know that’s what he said the first time!”

    Me: “I’ll bet her English is a h*** of a lot better than your German, dude.”

    Impatient Customer: “I don’t have to know that s***, because we’re in America!”

    Me: “And I can take my time giving her my order… because we’re in America.”

    (I turn to the cashier.)

    Me: “Do you still have any of the strawberry pies tonight?”

    Cashier: “Yes, sir. Would you like one?”

    Me: “I don’t know. Is the calorie amount listed for them on the menu right?”

    (The cashier smiles as she catches on.)

    Cashier: “I believe so, sir. If you’ll wait just a moment, I’ll bring the official list from the office to make sure.”

    (As she starts to turn toward the office, a second cashier comes from the back and tells her that she’ll go get it for her. The impatient customer has had enough. He starts moaning to the customer in line behind me.)

    Impatient Customer: “This is bull-s***!”

    Customer Behind Me: “Those pies sound good. I want to know more about them.”

    (The impatient customer turns to the cashier.)

    Impatient Customer: “Get your manager!”

    (The second cashier is just putting a key in the office door. She turns toward the impatient customer and smiles.)

    Second Cashier: “I’m the manager, sir. I’ll be happy to help you as soon as I get the nutritional information for the gentleman who is being served right now. You’ll be served when your turn comes, or I can ring you up myself as soon as I get the list. I’m not sure where it is in there, though, so I may be a while.”

    (The impatient customer is now red-faced, and turns to each of us as he enunciates each word, looking at me first.)

    Impatient Customer: “F***. ALL. OF. YOU! I’m going to [other fast food chain]!”

    (He storms out and we all start laughing. I look at my watch.)

    Me: “[Other fast food chain] closed three minutes ago.”


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